


say you'll remember me

by canadiancop



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Marriage, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, The Vow AU, canon compliant until 2x22, im trying to put every cheesy trope possible in here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 70,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21579553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadiancop/pseuds/canadiancop
Summary: “Are you okay?”“I’m fine,” Lena replies, but there’s an edge to her voice. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve just woken up in a hospital room six years in the future with a stranger for a wife and an entirely new life I’ve made for myself. One that I can’t seem to remember at all.”orthe rewrite of the one where lena and kara are married and lena loses her memory. loosely based off the movie the vow
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 278
Kudos: 1113





	1. Kara

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i wrote and finished a fic with this premise in like 2017 but i wasn't happy with the writing and how it ended and i've been thinking a lot about it recently so i was like... why not rewrite and change what i didn't like! and now here we are lmao
> 
> canon after season 2 is dead to me so i took everything that happened after 2x22 as friendly suggestions to pick and choose from

Kara doesn’t think she’s ever seen anything as beautiful as Lena Luthor smiling back at her from the passenger seat. That’s not to say she hasn’t seen anything beautiful, because she has. She remembers sunsets on Krypton, days at art galleries with Cat, and Alex and Maggie’s wedding. She remembers every beautiful thing she’s ever known, and Lena surpasses them all.

“Eyes on the road,” teases Lena, a soft smile playing on her features, and Kara laughs.

“How can I look at the road when you’re sitting there, perfect as ever?”

Lena’s smile grows. “You think you’re going to get lucky tonight, Mrs. Luthor-Danvers, don’t you?”

“Oh, of course I do, Mrs. Luthor-Danvers.”

Lena leans over for a kiss, and because they’ve just pulled up at a stop light, Kara lets her. It’s chaste, sweet, reminiscent of thousands before it.

It’s perfect.

Lena sits back in her seat and opens her eyes slowly, dimples reappearing in her cheeks as she grins. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Kara replies. The words that come out of her mouth are instinctual. She doesn’t think about them. It’s as easy as breathing.

If Kara had known what would happen next, there are a million things she would have done differently. She would have suggested another restaurant for lunch, or taken the back roads to get there, or even flown Lena out of there, secret identity be damned.

Kara did not know what would happen next, though.

~

“It came out of nowhere, Alex, I swear!”

“Kara, hold on,” Alex says, and Kara can almost see the ‘slow down’ motion her sister must be making on the other side of the phone. “What happened?”

“This truck came out of nowhere and hit us! I don’t know how it happened. We were stopped at a stoplight and we were okay, and then one single second passed, and we weren’t okay anymore, and Lena was unconscious and, oh my God, Alex –”

“I’m on my way. Where are you?”

“National City Hospital. Please hurry.”

Kara hears her phone beep to signal that Alex has hung up. She wants to focus on that, on the dial tone ringing in her ears, but she can’t. It’s so loud. Why is it so loud? Usually, she’s really good at blocking out noise, but now it’s like she’s 13 again, learning how to adjust to her powers on earth. She hears everything – crying babies, feet shuffling, patients asking, “Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?” and the one sound she couldn’t imagine feeling uncertain about: Lena’s heartbeat.

She’s intimately familiar with the sound of Lena’s heart pumping in her chest. Some – namely Alex – would say that she’s actually _too_ familiar with Lena’s heartbeat, if only because Kara has spent a lot of time listening to it to ensure that Lena is okay instead of focusing on whatever else she was supposed to be doing.

When Kara had first laid eyes on Lena, she didn’t know that the pulse thumping in her ears would become her favorite sound, something that would bring her peace whenever she heard it. As their friendship developed, Kara spent more and more time listening for it. She remembers hearing it speed up every time she walked in the room those first few weeks that they’d known each other. She remembers how she could’ve sworn it skipped a beat when their lips touched the first time they kissed, then how the thrumming pulse in Lena’s chest echoed her own as the kiss continued. She remembers how steady it was the first night they spent together, how she listened to it all night long while she tried to sleep but couldn’t, because this perfect human being was right next to her. She remembers every time it has ever beat, and it has never, never, been so weak before.

Alex and Maggie show up before anyone else does. Kara knows that Alex called the rest of the gang, but none of them speed like Alex does when Kara needs her. Alex wraps Kara in a hug tighter than she’s known any human to be able to, and Maggie pats her back. It seems like she’s there forever, stuck in Alex’s arms, crying, while the love of her life could be dying.

“Hey,” says Alex. “She’s gonna be okay. Lena’s tough.”

“Yeah, she is,” says Maggie, standing next to them with a reassuring hand on Kara’s back. “She’s tougher than anyone I’ve ever known.”

Kara just sniffles and sits down. She tries to ignore the doctors talking in the O.R.s, knowing full well that one set is talking over Lena.

~

They sit for hours in the hospital waiting room. J’onn and M’gann show up maybe twenty minutes after Alex and Maggie do, and James, Lucy, and Winn show up close to five minutes after that. Nia and Brainy are the last to arrive, both of their faces echoing a small fraction of the terror that Kara feels. None of them know how to make Kara stop pacing, so Winn gathers five dollars each from everyone and nearly buys out the vending machines to give Kara choices on what to stress eat. Usually Kara would be all over the Cheetos, but not even fried snack food can make her feel better, now.

It’s 4:00 pm when Kara gets restless.

“It’s been almost five hours. Where are they? Why haven’t they come to update us?”

Alex doesn’t look up from her hands. “They probably don’t have any new information, Kara. It’s going to be fine. Lena will be fine.”

“You don’t know that.”

J’onn clears his throat. “I have a lot of faith in this hospital, Kara. Lena will pull through with the help of these doctors. I know it.”

“I agree,” says Brainy. “There is a 77.56% chance that Lena will recover from this. Worrying is pointless.”

“Not helpful,” comes a whispered voice from beside Brainy, which Kara quickly deduces to be Nia whispering in his ear.

“No?” he whispers back, and Nia shakes her head at him gently. He seems to get the hint, because he stays quiet after that.

“He’s right, though,” says Winn, clearly trying to change the subject. “Lena’s awesome. She can do this.” He looks over at James for support who just pats his back and loops the arm that isn’t wrapped around Lucy’s waist over his best friend’s shoulders.

Kara homes in on Lena’s heartbeat again. It’s stronger than it was hours ago, but it still sounds so weak. Kara can hear it, slow and steady, and she knows her whole life is tied to that heartbeat.

About an hour later, a doctor with cropped hair and tired eyes comes out to update them.

“Mrs. Luthor-Danvers? I’m Dr. Gomez. I just wanted to let you know that your wife is pulling through.”

Kara can feel her every cell in her body flood with relief. Lena is going to be okay.

He continues. “She sustained some injuries in the crash that left her with internal bleeding, and she hit her head, but we’ve controlled the bleeding and we expect her to make a full recovery. She should be waking up any moment now. Would you like to see her?”

“Yes,” she breathes, not really trusting her voice to say anything more, so she lets Dr. Gomez lead her to room 305 where Lena is.

Lena still has her eyes closed when Kara walks in the door. Even like this, with scrapes all over her face and her wrist bandaged at her side, she’s still the most beautiful thing Kara’s ever seen. She wishes in this moment that she could rush to Lena’s side with the speed of a Kryptonian, but she can’t blow her cover. It’s agonizing to walk the length of the small room at a human pace until she gets to Lena’s side, but it’s worth it when she finally reaches her.

“Sweetheart,” she says softly, hoping that her wife can hear her. Even if she can’t, it soothes Kara’s aching heart just a little to know that even if Lena isn’t awake yet, she’s still loved. She takes her wife’s hand in her own and brings it up to her lips to press a kiss between each of her knuckles. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Kara realizes she still has Lena’s ring in her front pocket from when they gave her Lena’s personal items before surgery, so she takes this opportunity to slip it onto her wife’s ring finger. It looks so right, like there has never been any time when it didn’t exist there. Kara remembers picking the ring out, being so nervous that she wouldn’t like it. Now, it’s hard to imagine being nervous about anything except for this moment.

Lena’s finger twitches.

“Is she waking up?” asks Kara, her own pulse suddenly thundering in her ears. How will she be able to focus on Lena’s heartbeat when all she can hear is her own?

Dr. Gomez nods. “I think this is it.”

It takes a few seconds, but then Lena’s eyes are opening, and Kara can see an infinite, sea-green ocean in them.

“Sweetie, I’m here, I’m here. You’re okay.”

Lena just blinks, clearly disoriented. “Hello,” she says. Her voice is oddly calm and collected, and Kara feels Lena’s hand stiffen in her own.

She doesn’t focus on that right now, though. Not when Lena is so beautifully and miraculously alive. She can feel her face breaking out into a grin against her will, although to be fair, she doesn’t do much to stop it. “Hi!” she laughs. “Are you feeling okay? Can I do anything?”

Lena clears her throat and her eyes scan the room, and if Kara didn’t know any better, she’d think that Lena was trying to figure something out. “No,” she says eventually. “I’m… I’m fine.” It isn’t until after she speaks that she looks over at the doctor, clearly confused.

“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” Kara says, hoping to reassure her. She knows Lena has never liked hospitals, so that must be why she’s acting so strangely right now. She hates the loss of control that comes with being a patient. “We won’t be here long,” Kara continues. “We can go home as soon as you’re ready.” She looks over at the doctor encouragingly, hoping that he’ll back her up and help comfort her wife.

“Home?” Lena asks, a hint of fear creeping into her features. Almost as if on cue, Kara hears Lena’s heartbeat speed up, the monitor echoing the racing pulse in Lena’s ribcage so the doctor can hear it too.

“You’re okay,” she says, reaching out her hand to push the hair out of Lena’s face.

Kara stops when she sees Lena stiffen at the sight of her approaching touch, and a million thoughts rush through her brain. Is Lena uncomfortable with showing affection in front of this doctor? That could be it. Or maybe her head hurts and she’s scared that touching it would only agitate the pain. Maybe she’s trying to protect Kara from worrying about her, knowing that feeling Lena’s cold skin would only make her feel worse about the accident, even if it wasn’t really her fault. Lena is thoughtful and self-sacrificing like that.

However, the thing that comes out of Lena’s mouth next is the last thing Kara expects.

“Do I know you?”

There’s a split second where Kara’s mind goes blank. She can’t think anything. She doesn’t see the gleaming emerald green of Lena’s eyes or hear the metronomic beeping of Lena’s heart monitor or feel the warmth of Lena’s palm in her own. She can’t think anything.

And then it all comes rushing in.

Kara has had a lot of shock in her life, and a lot of terrible experiences, but this one right here? This one is probably tied with when her parents sent her away to a strange planet right before everyone she’d ever known had died. If they’re not tied, it’s at least a close runner-up.

Kara doesn’t know what to say, but she begins with, “Wait, what?” Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe she misheard her. Maybe everything is fine.

Lena swallows. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know either of you.” The look that she gives Kara is reminiscent of the expressions she wore before they got close. Lena looks guarded, distant… cold. The only way that she can tell that Lena is feeling anything is by listening to the monitor beep at twice the rate it was before.

Lena must be terrified.

Kara thinks she feels the same way.

“Mrs. Luthor-Danvers –”

Lena’s eyes widen and Kara thinks that she’s trying to scoff, but it gets choked up in her windpipe, so it sounds more like a gasp. “Excuse me?” She grabs the sheet over her as if to lift it away so she can stand up but gets distracted by the ring on her hand. She stares for a long moment, wonder in her eyes. “I’m not…” She looks up at the doctor for a few seconds, searching for answers, before her eyes lock on Kara’s.

Kara doesn’t know what to think now, with Lena’s eyes on hers. Her mind feels a little like a hurricane with thoughts pouring down around her like raindrops. She can’t hear anything except the torrential downpour of fear in her mind.

It isn’t until Lena speaks again that Kara refocuses on the moment.

“Am I married?” It seems like question is for the room, but Lena is still staring straight into her eyes, so deep that Kara thinks Lena can probably see through to her soul. For a second that comforts her – because if Lena can see into her soul, then, surely, she can see how much she’s loved – until she remembers that if that were true, Lena’s pulse wouldn’t be so erratic.

She doesn’t know.

She doesn’t remember.

Dr. Gomez clears his throat, interrupting the quiet. “I’ll be right back,” he says, giving no further explanation as to where he’s going, nor why he’s doing so.

Kara realizes that she still hasn’t answered the question when Lena lets out a slightly impatient, “Hello?”

It feels a little like the seconds are passing too quickly for Kara to follow. She imagines that this must be what it’s like to live in a movie where the sound lags a few seconds after the video.

“Yes,” she answers eventually. “You’re married.”

Lena is quiet for a moment, and Kara might think she were calm if she weren’t all too familiar with the panic behind her eyes that are staring straight down into her lap. “Is it… Do you know who it is?”

She pauses for a moment. “Yes.”

“Then…?”

“It’s me,” she says, words rushing out of her mouth before she can decide on the least jarring way to say it.

Lena doesn’t react openly, just nods to herself and furrows her brows for a second. After the longest second Kara has ever lived through, Lena says, “Oh.”

“Oh?” Kara repeats.

“I guess I was right, then.”

“Right about what?”

“Me,” she says simply. Her lips curl up into the faintest of smiles, but it’s faked. There isn’t any joy in her eyes, but Kara is quick to notice that there isn’t any despair, either.

Kara yearns to reach out to her, to squeeze her hand reassuringly or press a kiss to her forehead or even just to make contact so that their skin could touch and maybe Lena wouldn’t feel all alone.

“What year is it?” she asks, the last few sentences out of her mouth completely forgotten about.

“It’s 2021.”

Lena exhales sharply, and the intake of breath into her lungs after it is just as sharp as the release was.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Lena replies, but there’s an edge to her voice. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve just woken up in a hospital room six years in the future with a stranger for a wife and an entirely new life I’ve made for myself. One that I can’t seem to remember at all.”

Before Kara can think to do anything – apologize, cry, apologize while crying – the doctor has returned with a binder chock-full of paper. He takes a minute to orient himself on the stool before he opens it up to the halfway point and looks up expectantly at the couple.

“I need to ask you a few things, if that’s okay. This is just a short questionnaire to make sure we can help you as best as possible.”

Lena just nods, her hands balled up into fists in her lap. Kara can only imagine what she’s feeling right now, but her heartrate has at least slowed down to normal, so the fear rushing through her veins earlier has most likely passed.

“Can you tell me your name?”

“Lena Kieran Luthor.”

“Your date of birth?”

“October 24th, 1993”

“Great,” says Dr. Gomez, “you’re doing great. Do you know what year it is?”

Lena’s breath wavers infinitesimally, and Kara knows that there’s no way a human could detect the change, but she can. Lena’s confident façade may be incredible at fooling everyone else, but not Kara. Kara knows that Lena is scared, only she has no idea how to fix it for her.

“I’ve recently been informed that it’s 2021, but if you’re asking what the last year I remember is, it’s 2015.”

Dr. Gomez nods and smiles encouragingly. “Okay. Do you remember who the president was at that time?”

“Olivia Marsdin.”

“Correct. Just one more question for you. Can you tell me what twenty-four divided by four is?”

Lena looks like she’s going to laugh for a second before she catches Kara’s eye and seems to realize that Dr. Gomez isn’t joking. “You’re not serious, are you?” When he doesn’t answer, she takes that to mean that he is. “Oh, wow, okay. Six.”

Dr. Gomez nods and marks something down in the binder, while Kara hears Lena mutter, “I guess a degree from M.I.T. doesn’t mean much anymore,” to herself. Kara doesn’t try to hide the chuckle that slips out from her lips, which seems to please Lena. Kara almost loses herself in the shy smile that her wife is hiding before the doctor brings her out of it.

“Okay. Well, my tests seem to indicate complete functionality. Your language skills are good, math skills seem to be in order, and your memory of the time period you seem to have regressed to is perfect. You seem to be fine, bar the fact that you can’t remember the last six years of your life.”

Kara feels the need to interject into the conversation, because it seems that Lena has decided to stay silent. “Do you know when her memory will come back?”

Dr. Gomez shakes his head sadly. “I can’t tell you. Memory loss like this can take weeks or months to come back, or it can take seconds. It’s very possible that Lena will wake up tomorrow morning and remember everything, but it’s also possible that she may never remember.” He must see the devastated look on Kara’s face, because he says simply, “I’m sorry. I wish there were more I could do.

“We’re going to need to put you through a CT scan,” he continues, “just to make sure we didn’t miss anything. I’m hopeful that we didn’t, though. Your physical injuries are relatively minor, and you should be ready to go home in a few hours, assuming nothing concerning comes to light.”

“Of course. Thank you so much, doctor. I appreciate it,” Lena says, seemingly over the shock and ready to speak again.

Kara doesn’t watch the doctor leave, choosing instead to trust that the sound of receding footsteps means that he’s walking away from the room. Instead, she keeps her eyes trained on Lena, gaze scanning her from top to bottom. The hair at the top of her head is impossibly perfect for someone who was in a car crash earlier that day, loose waves that Lena had been too lazy to straighten this morning framing her face. The hands in her lap are no longer balled in fists, but the fingers on her right hand are curled just a little too tightly around her other palm.

“Lena,” Kara says softly, reaching out to gently pull the offending hand away, just like she has so many times before. Only this time it’s different, because this Lena doesn’t know her. This Lena doesn’t know that Kara is only here to love her – that her purpose on this planet is to love and be loved by Lena Luthor.

This Lena flinches away from Kara’s approaching hand, and Kara immediately pulls back.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry,” she says, words spilling out of her mouth. “Please, though, don’t hurt yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” Lena snaps, suddenly defensive.

“Your hand,” Kara explains, gesturing to the curled-up fist in her lap. “Sometimes you forget to be gentle with yourself when you’re stressed.”

Kara can see the confusion in Lena’s eyes for a split second before she remembers the situation. “Right. I forgot. You must know all sorts of things about me. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Kara replies instinctively. “It’s not your fault.”

Lena doesn’t really acknowledge the words, just nods distractedly, seemingly lost in thought miles away from here.

After a few seconds, Lena says, “If I had questions for you, would you answer them?

“Of course. You can ask me anything, Lena.”

She’s silent for a few seconds, seemingly tossing questions around in her head trying to pick the most important ones to ask first. “Is it just us?”

Kara is quiet for a moment. “What do you mean?”

“The two of us in this hospital room right now, is that all there is? It’s not that I’m ungrateful, I promise. I know it’s a wonder that I have anyone at all by my side, all things considered, but I just need to know.” She takes a deep breath, and though it may look confident, Kara can only guess at the fear raging in Lena’s mind. “Is it just you?”

“Our friends are in the waiting room,” Kara tries, desperately hoping that Lena isn’t asking what she thinks she is. Lex. _Please,_ she thinks. _Don’t make me tell her about Lex_.

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Kara closes her eyes, nodding. “I know, sw – ” She cuts herself off before she can finish the sentence with ‘sweetie.’ Lena doesn’t know her. Lena doesn’t want a stranger calling her pet names. “I know,” she corrects.

“What happened?” Lena asks, green eyes focused on a spot across the room from where Kara is sitting. She knows why, of course she does. Lena Luthor doesn’t show weakness, at least not the Lena that’s sitting in front of her. If this new Lena needs to look away so she doesn’t start crying, then Kara will allow her that. She’ll allow Lena anything. Because really, how can Kara expect new-Lena to cry in front of someone she doesn’t know? Lena – _her_ Lena – didn’t let Kara see her cry for months, not even after Jack died.

Oh, Rao. Kara is going to have to tell her that Jack died, too.

“What do you remember?”

Lena shakes her head. “I don’t know. Jack and I were in Metropolis. We were working on nanotechnology, trying to figure out how we could use it to cure cancer, AIDS, various genetic disorders. We wanted to change the world,” she says, and Kara can tell that her mind is far away from this point in time.

Kara nods and bites her lip, willing the tears pooling in her eyes not to drop down. She has to be strong. Lena needs her to be strong. But how can she be? How can she be strong when she has to break the news to the love of her life that everything that she once held dear is gone?

“Did we?” Lena asks. “Change the world, I mean. Did we?”

Cold green eyes turn to stare at her now, and Kara marvels for the first time about how empty they look. Did Lena look like this when she first met her? Is this just who Lena is pre-Kara? No. No, this is who Lena is when she thinks she’s going through this pain all alone.

“You have. You’ve changed the world, Lena.”

Lena doesn’t reply, just drops her gaze to her lap and runs the pad of her pointer finger along the diamond on her wedding ring.

Kara doesn’t stop. “It’s true. You’re an amazing person. You’ve donated millions to charity, developed revolutionary technology that’s spared thousands of lives – you even helped Supergirl save the world, you know. On multiple occasions!”

Lena lets out a dry chuckle that sounds a little too planned to be real. “Lex must’ve been thrilled with me for that, right?”

Kara’s breath hitches in her throat. She doesn’t know what to say.

“Right.” Lena swallows roughly. “I figured that would be a sore subject. He’s not here, which tells me he either doesn’t want to be here, or he can’t.” She takes a deep breath. “So? Which one is it?”

Kara opens her mouth to speak, but she doesn’t know what to say. How is she supposed to tell Lena that the only family who’d ever loved her, didn’t anymore? It would’ve been one thing to tell her that Lex had gone mad, had ended so many lives. That was terrible, yes, but this is worse. Not only had he killed innocent people, he had tried to kill Lena.

Multiple times.

Lena inhales, if a little shakily, and lets out the breath with a careful precision. “Okay,” she says. “Both, then.”

“Lena –”

Lena doesn’t give her the time to speak. “Is there anything else I should know?” she asks, and her voice is so cool and collected that it almost scares Kara. She’s not scared of Lena, of course. How could she be? Lena would never hurt anyone. No, Kara is scared _for_ Lena. She knows that Lena survived just fine on her own before they had met. She knows that Lena is strong and can take care of herself and doesn’t need anyone to come save her, but Kara doesn’t think she can watch while Lena is forced to save herself. Not when she can be there to help.

“I don’t know how much you know,” Kara says, a little awkwardly. “2015 was a big year. I don’t want to…” She trails off. _I don’t want to tell you painful things you already know_ , is what she wants to say. _But I also don’t want you to not know and have to find out for yourself._

Lena seems to understand. “Right,” she replies, clearing her throat. “The last time I saw him, he told me he planned to take down Superman. I remember it as a few weeks ago, but I guess it’s been longer now. We haven’t spoken since.”

Lena says it with the same calm tone of voice that one might use to speak about the weather. Kara thinks that if she didn’t know her, if she didn’t know the guilt that Lena carries around every day because she simply cut her brother off instead of finding a way to stop him, maybe she would think that Lena agreed with it.

She doesn’t, though. Kara knows she doesn’t.

“He didn’t tell me how he was going to do it, but… he didn’t, right?” she finally asks, after a good five seconds have gone by with no word from Kara. “Tell me he didn’t. Tell me Superman is still alive.”

“Superman is fine.”

Lena lets out a tiny sigh of relief, but Kara knows she hasn’t fully relaxed.

“But?” she breathes, and Kara thinks she might be biting the inside of her cheek to keep the expression on her face calm.

“But he tried.”

Lena locks her jaw and swallows, eyes staring off at the wall again. “How many?”

“Lena –”

“Just tell me. How many people did he kill instead?”

There are a few beats of silence before Kara finally says, “Fourteen.”

Kara hears Lena inhale sharply and close her eyes as if the words are physically hurting her. Knowing her, they probably are. Lena has always felt too much. Kara only wishes she knew how to help.

After a few seconds have passed with no word from the woman next to her, Kara debates whether or not she should reach her arm out to try and comfort Lena. Her Lena – the Lena who remembers her and married her and loves her with her whole being– would want that. Kara knows that the Luthors were never warm, that they never gave Lena the touch and love that she deserved and so desperately craved, so Kara has been making it up to her ever since. Kara doesn’t think a more than a few minutes have ever gone by where the two of them are near each other but aren’t touching in some way. Not since they got together. Not until now.

This Lena, though… this Lena doesn’t know her. This Lena isn’t used to anyone touching her, let alone a complete stranger.

Kara doesn’t reach out.

“What happened next?” is what Lena finally manages to say.

“With Lex?” Kara asks.

“With everything.”

“Of course,” Kara says, taking a deep breath to try and steady herself. “Well, the police apprehended Lex before any more people could get hurt. They rescued y–” She stops to clear her throat before she can get the word ‘you’ out of her mouth. Lena will find out soon that her own brother kidnapped her during his plot to kill his archnemesis, Kara is sure of it. She just doesn’t want her to find out right now. Not like this.

“They saved everyone they could,” Kara says instead. “After Lex was convicted, he lost everything he owned, and you were his next-of-kin, so you inherited L-Corp.”

“L-Corp?” Lena asks. “Like Luthor Corp?”

“Yeah, sorry, yes. Like Luthor Corp. You renamed the company during the rebranding as you moved to National City. That’s where you are now.” Kara feels herself smiling sadly, remembering what else has happened in National City. “That’s where you met me.”

Lena looks like she’s about to say something – apologize, maybe – but Kara doesn’t want to hear it. This isn’t Lena’s fault. She continues.

“You turned L-Corp into a force for good. You started charities in the Luthor name, built hospitals and homeless shelters, created countless lifesaving inventions. You gave millions of dollars to the families of each of Lex’s victims.”

“That doesn’t make up for what he did,” Lena spits, and there’s a moment where neither of them speaks.

“No,” Kara says eventually, “it doesn’t. But you’re not responsible for making up for what he did. _You_ didn’t do this. This isn’t on you.”

Lena closes her eyes and nods, giving Kara a polite smile when she opens them again. Kara knows it’s fake – she is an expert on deciphering what Lena is feeling, after all – but it’s not like there’s anything she can do here.

There isn’t any time for there to be an awkward silence, because right after Kara smiles back at her wife, Dr. Gomez is knocking on the door.

“Hi again,” he says, smiling a little too brightly as he enters. “Sorry to interrupt, but can I borrow Lena for a little bit? We just want to do one more CT scan before you go to make sure everything is alright.”

Kara instinctually reaches out, ready to squeeze Lena’s hand in reassurance, before she remembers the circumstances. Lena doesn’t want her to touch her. Instead, she retracts her hand and lets the doctor push Lena’s bed out of the room.

“Wait,” Kara calls, and Dr. Gomez stops in his tracks, inches from the doorway. Lena looks back, questions in her searing green eyes.

“Yes?” she asks after a few seconds go by where Kara says nothing.

“I –” She swallows. Kara doesn’t know what she wants to say – doesn’t know what she should say – but whatever it is, it’s not coming out. She clears her throat. “It’s nothing. I just wanted you to know that if you need anything, I’ll be right here. Good luck, Lena.”

The corners of Lena’s lips curl up into a hint of a smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Thank you,” she says. “I appreciate that, um…” She pauses, and Kara can’t figure out why she sounds almost… embarrassed? “I’m sorry, what was your name again?”

“Oh.” That’s why. Lena doesn’t remember her name. Kara thinks that this is what it must feel like to have your heart ripped in two. It’s terribly literal. She can almost feel the jagged pieces stabbing into her lungs. “It’s Kara.”

“Kara,” Lena repeats, and Kara kind of wants to cry at how unfamiliar it sounds in Lena’s mouth. It doesn’t sound like the way Lena usually says her name. It doesn’t sound like her wife. It sounds like it’s coming from a stranger.

“I’ll be here when you get back, okay?”

“Okay,” Lena parrots. “Thank you, Kara.”

“Of course. Always.”


	2. Lena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena learns about her new life and heads home with Kara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! so i forgot to tell u guys last chapter but this fic is gonna switch off every chapter to have a different pov. so like one will be kara's perspective and the next will be lena's and so on. it'll say it for the chapter titles but if you forget it'll be easy to work out!
> 
> also this chapter is like 60% longer than it should be but pacing wise this all had to happen in lena's perspective and i didn't want to split it in two and have two lena chapters in a row so! enjoy!
> 
> ALSO tw for very brief implied past child abuse

Lena Luthor prides herself in being smart.

She doesn’t mean smart like the kid who gets an A on their fourth-grade math test, or smart like the winner of a middle school science fair, or even smart like a high school valedictorian. Lena Luthor is smart in the way that means she has an IQ of 192, graduated with a bachelor’s in bioengineering from M.I.T. when she was 19, and finished a master’s program at the same school before she was old enough to drink. Lena Luthor is smart in the way that makes other people a little scared of her. Not intimidated – though that is often the case, too – but really, truly, scared. Lena Luthor is smart in all the ways that matter, which is why it’s so infuriating that she can’t figure this out.

The first and fore-mostly important question she has is: who is the kind-looking woman sitting at her bedside? Second, and just as pressing, why is this woman smiling at her like Lena had personally put all the stars in the sky? Why is she looking at her like she had or cured cancer or something? She hadn’t done that, right? She thinks she would remember that.

Well, as it turns out, she would not remember that. Lena would not remember if she had ‘cured cancer or something,’ because she doesn’t remember any of the last six years of her life, apparently. She doesn’t remember moving to National City or marrying the woman sitting next to her (yes, marrying, because that is her _wife_ ) or the fact that her brother had gone mad and tried to kill a bunch of people, including but not limited to: Superman, the entire U.S. alien population, and – oh, yeah – herself.

Well, the ‘herself’ part is more of a theory than a confirmed fact, because Kara – the woman sitting next to her, her _wife_ – doesn’t say that in so many words. She does, however, start a sentence about the police rescuing someone from Lex during his reign of terror, and the word that is about to come out of her mouth sounds very suspiciously similar to ‘you.’ Lena can read between the lines. Lex had probably tried to kill her.

That’s nice.

She has a lot to think about on the ride over to radiology in which a stressed-looking doctor pushes her through the hallways and apologizes profusely for every bump they go over. She has a lot to think about while she lies in the rounded white cave that they call a CT machine so they can scan her brain and make sure she doesn’t have a tumor or some other nefarious problem. She has a lot to think about while the same stressed doctor pushes her back to the room she was in – which she cannot, for the life of her, remember the room number for – to see the woman again. Kara. Her wife.

However, she finds that there isn’t much to think about when she finally locks eyes with Kara again. That’s new.

It’s not a big deal, though. She’s not saying that it’s true love, because it’s not. She’s not saying she feels some instant pull or sense of recognition or calmness or belief that everything will be okay just from looking into Kara’s eyes. She doesn’t. It’s just like looking into a stranger’s eyes, one that she met on the street or in a lab or a classroom, one who happens to distract her from the thoughts cycling through her mind. She’s just looking at a stranger. A very beautiful stranger. A very beautiful stranger who looked a little like the human personification of sunshine for the few seconds she’d seen her before everything had come to light. ‘Everything’ being the fact that they seem to be married, and Lena doesn’t remember a single second of it.

After everything, Kara looked… well, let’s just say that Lena is not exaggerating when she says that Kara looked like someone had replaced all the sunshine in her body with storm clouds. Even the warm blue color of her irises changed. They were so bright and luminous before that Lena would probably compare them to the color of the sky on a sunny day. Now, though, they look just like the grey smog you see right before a terrible storm.

If it weren’t for those impossibly sad eyes, Lena might think she were being pranked. No, she takes that back. Lena would _definitely_ think she were being pranked. Even right now, with the kind of sadness that you can’t fake shining through every one of Kara’s features, she still has to remind herself that this is probably real. It’s unlikely that Kara is an actor being paid to steal the Luthor fortune or something. Very unlikely.

Still…

“Hold on,” she calls, her heart suddenly beating very loudly against the walls of her chest. She thanks God that she isn’t hooked up to a heart monitor anymore so no one can hear the embarrassing proof that she is actually really, really scared.

She sees Kara and the doctor exchange a worried look before Kara says in the softest voice Lena’s ever heard, “Hold what, Lena? We weren’t saying anything.”

Lena is half scared that she’s going to start blushing, so she furrows her eyebrows and rolls her eyes, trying to counteract the image of fragility she might start showing. Her mother would never let her live it down if she found out that Lena were acting so weak.

“I know that,” Lena says indignantly, and it at least turns the look on the doctor’s face from concerned to a little fearful, even if it doesn’t affect Kara at all. Kara’s expression doesn’t change in the slightest for some reason, worry still evident in all the lines of her face. (Why doesn’t it? Lena can always change the tone of a room with a pointed comment like that. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. She can’t focus on that.) Lena continues. “You can’t expect me to just go along with what you’ve told me with no proof. How am I supposed to believe that you’re actually who you say you are?”

The doctor shuffles his weight awkwardly between his feet before starting with, “Mrs. Luthor-Danvers –” which is promptly cut off by Kara.

“No, no, Dr. Gomez, she’s right. This is a lot to take in. I don’t blame you for needing proof.” Lena feels herself start to relax when Kara pulls a phone from her back pocket. It doesn’t look like the one she remembers having – for one thing, there’s no home button – but she adjusts soon enough. It’s 2021, after all. Of course technology has advanced. Why wouldn’t it have?

Kara spends a few seconds swiping through something on the phone before she smiles and holds it out for Lena to grab.

Lena thinks she must look confused, because Kara says, “These are the photos from our wedding.” Kara smiles encouragingly at her, and Lena takes the phone in her hand.

The doctor clears his throat just as Lena’s fingers connect with Kara’s phone, and Lena turns her attention to him. “I’m going to go get the discharge papers for you both,” he says, smiling politely before exiting the room. Lena thinks he probably just wants to give her a moment to herself, and she’s proven right when Kara follows suit.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she says, pointing to the closed door across from the bed. Lena is almost surprised that Kara has just left the room with her unlocked phone in the hands of a total stranger until she remembers that they’re _not_ total strangers. Just because Lena doesn’t know who Kara is, doesn’t mean that Kara doesn’t know who Lena is.

Lena feels her breath hitch in her throat when she finally focuses on the picture on the phone in front of her. It’s her and Kara smiling at each other under an arch of pink flowers, hands linked together. It’s jarring to see herself in a flowing white dress that she doesn’t remember, holding hands with Kara in a white suit that she _also_ doesn’t remember, but that’s not what is really so shocking. The truly startling part – the part that stops Lena’s heart in her chest for just a moment – is how happy she looks.

Lena was sure that she’d been happy before. Before this moment, she might’ve found the accusation that she hadn’t really experienced joy before downright insulting. Just because her life doesn’t look like a Disney Channel movie, doesn’t mean she’s incapable of pleasure. Only, now, looking at this wedding picture, Lena isn’t sure she’s ever experienced anything even close to what the Lena in the photo seems to be feeling.

Photo-Lena looks, above anything else, carefree. She’s staring straight into Kara’s eyes with an uncontainable smile – not that she looks like she’s trying too hard to control it, anyway – and bright eyes. She flips to the next photo which shows Kara with her hands set loosely on Lena’s hips, and Lena’s arms wrapped around Kara’s neck, both of them smiling brightly at each other, just like in the picture before it.

Lena feels her stomach flip at the next photo, which must’ve been taken right after the man behind them (who doesn’t look very much like a priest, if she’s being frank) had said, “you may now kiss the bride.” They’re in the same position that they were in the photo before, only now their lips are connected, and both of them look like they’re smiling too hard for the kiss to be any good. Kara is leaning into photo-Lena’s space, which Lena usually found annoying when Jack did so, but she doesn’t look anything but happy in this photo. She looks blissful. Whole.

All of the photos after that are reminiscent of every cheesy wedding in every romantic comedy Lena has ever seen. There’s a photo of the two of them holding each other close while others watch, and as Lena flips through others like it, she realizes that this is probably their first dance. She sees Kara lift up her arm to spin photo-Lena, and then the two of them switch places so that Kara looks like she’s spinning, too.

She swipes through them slowly until she reaches a video, and even though she isn’t sure if she’s really supposed to watch it, she’s too tempted not to. The video starts with a low hum of voices and laughter, and the camera is focused on Kara and video-Lena who are standing next to what is probably the biggest wedding cake that Lena has ever seen. Video-Lena is smiling up at Kara, who’s watching the cake intently, glancing back fondly at the other woman in between eyeing the cake up and down.

The un-priestly-looking man from earlier whom Lena assumes officiated their wedding comes into frame and asks, “Are you both ready for this?”

Kara nods with a little too much enthusiasm, and video-Lena laughs at her, but it doesn’t sound like there’s anything but love in it. The man cuts a slice of the cake, and both women plunge forks into it. Lena is shocked to see the size of the bite of cake that video-her has stuffed onto the fork she’s holding, and she hears a deep belly laugh, probably coming from whoever is holding the camera. Kara doesn’t seem phased by the colossal piece of cake on the fork in front of her, because she just opens her mouth comically wide and lets video-Lena stuff the cake into her mouth.

When the fork is pulled away, Kara is smiling so hard that there’s no way she’s able to chew the cake, a bit of frosting smeared on her bottom lip. Lena watches in awe as video-her reaches her hand out, swipes her thumb over Kara’s bottom lip to collect the frosting, and then places the tip of her thumb between her lips so she can lick it clean. The people in the video seem to find that funny, because a short brunette with her arm wrapped around a bald man’s waist starts whooping playfully, and soon at least five other people have joined in.

Lena is shocked at many things, but the three that she finds hardest to wrap her brain around are these: 1, she is somehow watching her own wedding, of which she has no recollection, 2, the her in the wedding seems to not only be happy, but also surrounded by friends who really seem to love her, and 3, wedding-Lena is confident enough to do… _that_. In public. She imagines that her mother would call the action downright pornographic. Why would Lena do that at her wedding? Wasn’t her mother there?

She doesn’t have too much time to waste on those thoughts, because then Kara from the video, who seems to be chewing intently, lovingly guides a much smaller piece of cake into video-Lena’s mouth, who happily takes it. The people around them cheer loudly as the couple presses their mouths together, even though they’re both too full of cake to properly kiss. The video ends with a young woman – probably just out of college, if she had to guess – playfully yelling, “Gay!” while the rest of the room bursts into laughter.

The silence that comes after the video ends is reminiscent of how Lena felt when she shut the car door on the protesters as she left her father’s funeral. She went from hearing the whole world screaming in her ears to hearing nothing but her own breathing. That’s how she feels now as she listens to the shallow breaths flowing in and out of her lungs.

It isn’t shocking when she feels spilling out of her eyes, but it is disappointing. She’s disappointed in herself. How many times had she been told not to be so emotional? _Crying doesn’t fix anything, Lena. Stop acting like a child._

She hopes to God that the mascara she can feel weighing down her eyelashes is waterproof, using her thumbs to wipe the excess liquid off her cheeks. She panics for a moment when she sees that there aren’t any mirrors in the room that she can use to check her appearance, until she remembers that she’s holding Kara’s phone in her hand. She does a quick check with the phone’s camera to make sure there are no black marks on her face, but she doesn’t have any time to really look over the face staring back at her before she hears tap water flowing for a few seconds and then a knock on the door.

It’s not from the main door, though. It’s coming from the bathroom.

“I’m coming out,” calls Kara, slowly stepping out of the restroom with her eyes cast on the floor. “Is that okay?” she asks, still not looking up.

It gives Lena just enough time to steady her breath and clear her throat before she says, “Yes, that’s fine.” Just as Kara begins to look up, the doctor starts walking through the main doorway with a stack of paperwork for Lena to sign.

Lena is almost confused at the impeccable timing. If she didn’t know any better, she would think that somehow Kara had timed her exiting the bathroom perfectly so that Lena would have just enough time to make herself presentable before the doctor came back in. But how could Kara have possibly known when Dr. Gomez was going to come in? Maybe they had each other’s numbers, Lena thinks offhandedly, until she remembers that Lena is holding Kara’s phone. She resigns herself to thinking that it was probably just dumb luck, until she looks down and realizes that Kara’s hands aren’t wet at all when they reach out to grab the paperwork Dr. Gomez is holding.

Why would she run the tap but not wash her hands? Come to think of it, Lena didn’t hear a toilet flush, either. It’s not unrealistic to think that Kara just went into the bathroom to give Lena time to herself, considering how sweet and caring Kara seems to be, but how could she have possibly known just the right time to come out? Had she been listening in on her? No, Lena had been quiet. Maybe she had heard that the video ended and just assumed that Lena was upset. Of course.

The way Kara has treated her for these past few minutes, the worried glances and soft comforting words she uses, tells Lena that Kara thinks she’s soft. Maybe she doesn’t see it as a flaw – maybe Kara likes her women emotional, needy – but it makes Lena feel like her intestines have been tied into knots. The knowledge that this woman knows such personal things about her, that she is probably her most trusted confidant, and she thinks that she’s so _soft_ , makes her feel sick. She feels an overwhelming sense of shame rush through her body when she thinks about the fact that this woman has most definitely seen her cry. She’s probably even sat there and consoled her. She’s seen her at her weakest.

Luthors are never supposed to be weak.

~

The ride home is quiet. Lena doesn’t know what to say, and she isn’t sure she really _should_ say anything, so she doesn’t. Kara seems to follow suit, humming softly to whatever pop song is on the radio. Whatever it is, Lena doesn’t recognize it.

It takes her a second to remember why that is.

They don’t speak until they step into their apartment. And the apartment? It’s… unexpected. Not in a bad way, just that it’s not at all what Lena would’ve thought it would be. Though, to be fair, she hadn’t really known what to think. The walls are covered with pictures and artwork, not so much that it’s cluttered, but enough for Lena to know for sure that the people who live in this apartment have a lot of love to give. She never would’ve thought that anyone would ever describe her that way, and yet here she is, doing so herself. There are at least three couches, all covered in mismatched throw-pillows, and Lena thinks to herself, _how could one possibly need that many seats? How many friends do these people have?_

It’s not completely unlike the decor that she remembers living with, though. The hallway off to the right leads them to a pristinely ordered bathroom with light blue hand towels and soap in the shape of seashells. There’s an open door leading to a bedroom that Lena assumes she shares with Kara, and it’s neat while still looking lived-in. It looks as if real people slept there every night.

Lena is only brought out of her thoughts when she hears an impossibly loud growl come from Kara’s stomach.

“Sorry,” Kara says sheepishly, a light blush spreading over her cheeks.

Lena doesn’t let herself stare at how beautifully the pink tone fades into Kara’s tanned skin, even if she wants to. “It’s time for dinner, no?” she asks, instead.

Kara pulls out her phone, probably checking the time. “Golly,” she says after the phone lights up and reads that it’s nearly eight at night. “I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast, no wonder I’m starving.”

Lena tries not to let a smile creep onto her face after Kara has finished her sentence. That can’t be how she really speaks, can it? What kind of grown, 21st century woman says something like ‘golly?’

Kara starts walking back to the main room where the kitchen is, glancing behind every so often – most likely to make sure Lena is following her – before she finally reaches the fridge.

“What are you feeling for dinner today?” Kara asks, and Lena isn’t sure why exactly that question sounds so odd in her ears.

“I’m not really hungry,” she replies after a moment, even though she can feel the empty gnawing beginning to claw at her stomach. When was the last time she had eaten?

“But you haven’t had anything to eat since this morning,” Kara counters, answering Lena’s unsaid question. “Do you feel sick?”

Lena is about to answer when she sees Kara step to the side of the kitchen’s island with her hand outstretched. It isn’t personal when she instinctually flinches away and takes a hurried step backwards, but the hurt in Kara’s eyes after she does makes her wish she hadn’t.

Kara is immediately apologizing. “Sorry, sorry! I’m sorry, Lena. I didn’t think about how that must have looked. I was just reaching out so I could feel your forehead and check if you had a fever. I _swear_ I won’t do it again.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I overreacted,” Lena replies smoothly, trying to keep the expression on her face neutral. It’s embarrassing enough to flinch away from anyone, let alone someone you’re going to have to live with. It’s not as if she even _has_ any reasons to flinch away anymore. No one’s laid a hand on her in years. She means that in the violent way, but come to think of it, it’s true in any context. The last person she remembers touching her is Jack, and even that wasn’t out of nowhere like this. She can’t remember the last time someone had reached out to touch her that hadn’t been motivated by something else. Nothing was ever for no reason, not when it came to Lena’s life.

Kara smiles softly at her, but it’s more cautious than the previous ones have been. Lena thinks that Kara is looking at her the way one would a scared animal, one that you don’t want to spook into running away, and the feeling of shame returns to the pit of her stomach.

Kara lets out a little sigh, both of her hands folded in front of her now, and says, “I’m sorry. I would never hurt you, but you had no way to know that. I guess you don’t really know that much about me. Would it be okay if I made us some spaghetti for dinner? And maybe while we eat, I could tell you more about myself?”

Lena doesn’t really trust herself to say anything else, so she just nods and sits down at one of the barstools placed around the island. Kara seems to take that as an affirmative response, so she busies herself with boiling two pots of water and gathering the ingredients for pasta.

Lena isn’t really paying attention until she sees Kara grab not one, not two, but _four_ boxes of spaghetti for the two large pots of water boiling on the stove. She had thought that the two pots had been because they had different dietary preferences – maybe Kara was going to make herself a different meal because she didn’t like pasta – but now it’s clear that Kara just plans to make an inhumanly large amount of food.

“Big fan of leftovers?” Lena asks as Kara pours an entire box of spaghetti into the first pot.

“What?” Kara replies, pouring the next box in. “What do you mean?”

“You seem to be making enough pasta to feed an army. You aren’t expecting me to eat two entire boxes of spaghetti, right?”

Lena can tell the exact moment that recognition dawns in Kara’s brain, because the tips of her ears are instantly stained pink and a nervous laugh bubbles out of her. “N-no, of course not!” she stutters. “I just – well, I guess you could say I eat a lot.”

“Four boxes worth of ‘a lot?’” Lena asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I work out a bunch,” Kara says in explanation. “I guess that’s one fact you know about me, now.” When she finishes pouring all four boxes worth of spaghetti into the two pots, Kara turns around and rests her elbows on the island so that she’s staring directly at Lena across from her. “What else do you want to know?”

“Well, what am I allowed to ask?”

“Anything,” Kara says, a warm hand slowly inching across the island to reach Lena’s. Lena is sure that the exaggerated slow-motion movement is because of her earlier response, because Kara must care about her a lot, must really want her to feel comfortable. Kara must want Lena to trust her, and the fact that she’s willing to tell Lena ‘anything’ tells her that she trusts Lena back. Completely.

Lena is – not for the first time today – at a loss for words. She knows that she married Kara, she knows they must love each other and trust each other to a certain extent, but this just doesn’t seem believable to her. It’s limitless. There are no boundaries. Lena doesn’t think she’s ever experienced anything like that in her life.

Kara stops her hand in its tracks when it comes to rest a few centimeters away from the tip of Lena’s pinky finger. She must want Lena to close the bridge, want Lena to have the control in this situation. Kara must want Lena to trust her enough to let herself be comforted, even if it is just with the gentle touch of a stranger.

Lena is almost surprised when she sees her hand reach out the few centimeters to connect with Kara’s, but as soon as it does, she feels what can only be described as electricity flowing through her veins. Nothing is really happening, obviously, but Lena can almost feel the flow of energy between where her and Kara’s fingers touch. Kara seems satisfied with the fact that Lena is okay with them touching, because she places her palm atop Lena’s hand, squeezing cold fingers gently, probably in reassurance.

They sit there for a moment before Lena remembers that it’s her turn to speak. She can ask anything she wants, after all.

“How did we meet?” is what eventually comes out. Lena thinks she probably could’ve chosen something more scandalous, more damning, more personal, but it’s the first thing that comes to her mind, and she’s truthfully very curious to hear the answer.

Kara lets out a self-conscious laugh before ducking her head in an adorable way that Lena _knows_ future-her must’ve gone wild for.

“We met after an aircraft crashed,” she begins. “Wow, it sounds terrible for me to be hailing a day where so many people died as a good one, but I guess it’s true that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. A tragedy occurred so a miracle could, too. The miracle being me meeting you, obviously.”

Lena scoffs. “Are you always like this?” she asks, but there’s no malice in the question. Kara must be able to tell that she means it playfully, because she just smiles in return.

“Yes,” she says, mock-indignance in her voice. “I think it’s only fair of me to be this cheesy considering I’m married to the perfect woman. Plus, I think you secretly like the romance of it all.”

“Do I?” Lena teases.

“Of course! You deserve only the best, so that’s what I’m here to give you. One knight in shining armor at your service.” Kara bows playfully, but she doesn’t remove her right hand from atop of Lena’s.

Lena doesn’t mind.

“Okay then, let me guess your career. Knight in shining armor, us meeting after a plane crash… are you some sort of public servant?”

“I guess you could say that,” laughs Kara.

“Cop, then? Military officer? Firefighter?”

“No, no. I’m actually a reporter at Catco.”

Lena furrows her eyebrows. “I thought you said I was right about you being a public servant?”

“You are!”

“Last I checked, reporters weren’t really saving anyone.”

“Well, I disagree, but that’s not really what I was talking about when I said yes. The public servant thing is… well, it’s more of a hobby, I guess?”

“Hm,” Lena says thoughtfully. “I’ll need more explanation for that later. Go on, though.”

“Okay, so we met after a big accident. You were supposed to be on a flight plan but had cancelled at the last minute, and then the ship had blown up.”

“Oh,” says Lena, and the playful tone in the room seems to have died. “I was a suspect, then.”

“No, no!” Kara protests immediately, but then reigns it back a little. “Well, I guess, at first you were. My cousin and I – he’s also a reporter – just went to go check on you and see if you knew anything. You had just opened up the National City branch of L-Corp and we were…”

“Making sure I wasn’t evil?” she suggests, and she can feel the edge from earlier today creeping back into her voice. Sometime after what she can remember, Lex had done unspeakable things. It only makes sense that Kara had been sent to scope out whether or not Lena was likely to do something similar.

“This retelling isn’t turning out as romantic as I remember it being.”

“It’s fine, Kara,” says Lena, and she finally has the good sense to pull her hand out from under Kara’s. She immediately mourns the death of whatever force had been flowing between them, along with the sheer warmth that Kara had been radiating, but she doesn’t let it show on her features. “Do go on,” she continues.

“Well, your assistant led us up to your floor, and then we saw you.” There’s a far-off look in Kara’s eyes, like she’s remembering it in vivid detail. “You were… God, Lena, you were beautiful.”

Lena does her best not to shift the unimpressed look off her face. She can only hope that her body doesn’t betray her by blushing or something else embarrassing.

“The first time I saw you, I knew I was a goner. You had this pencil skirt on, which, by the way, I still don’t know how you walk in, and you had these heels that made your – oh.” Kara interrupts herself, seemingly just remembering the situation she’s in. “Sorry,” she says immediately. Lena is starting to think that apologizing is a reflex for Kara at this point. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to… Can I start over?”

She doesn’t wait for Lena to respond before taking a deep breath and restarting her story. “The first time I saw you, I think I already knew that you were going to be important to me. You were beautiful, yes, but beyond that, I could tell you had a beautiful soul.”

“Really?” Lena hears herself ask, and she chides herself for saying anything at all. Why is she suddenly so undisciplined around this woman?

“Really,” Kara says, her eyes soft and warm and staring just a little too lovingly into Lena’s. “You told us about how you wanted to make your family company a force for good, how you wanted to change the world for the better. I knew right there that you couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with the accident. My cousin wasn’t convinced, but then you gave us all the information you had about the aircraft, and that was hard for him to discredit.”

“So my name was cleared?”

“Yes. But you didn’t need to prove yourself to anyone.”

A chiming from somewhere near the stove starts ringing, and Kara seems to remember that she was cooking pasta.

“Oh, shoot!” she says, frantically moving to turn off the burners. With amazing speed – like, really, almost inhuman speed – she reaches into a cabinet for two strainers and quickly drains the pots of water, leaving two heaping strainers full of spaghetti.

“Dinner is served!” she says, smiling triumphantly when she turns back to Lena. Lena can’t help but smile a little at that, and she’s rewarded with Kara ducking her head again in the most adorable way.

Kara moves to get out two bowls for them, placing a reasonable amount of spaghetti into one bowl and then double that in the next bowl, and pulling out a jar of marinara sauce from the fridge soon after. She moves to pour the sauce on the pasta, and Lena finds herself reaching out.

“Oh, Kara –” Lena begins, but Kara cuts her off.

“Don’t worry, I know exactly how you like your spaghetti. 1 to 4 ratio of sauce to pasta, then the lightest sprinkling of grated cheese.”

“Yes, but – ”

“And at the end, topped with a fresh piece of cilantro.” Kara punctuates the sentence by dropping a solitary cilantro leaf onto the bowl of pasta.

Lena isn’t sure why she’s so stunned by this show. It’s not surprising that Kara – who is her wife, for God’s sake – would know how she likes her spaghetti prepared, but it brings out a light feeling that seems to warm her whole body. She can’t help but smile as she takes the bowl from Kara.

“Thank you,” she says. She knows that’s not enough, that it doesn’t fully encompass all that she wants to tell her, but Kara looks like she understands anyway. Kara moves onto her own bowl, then, pouring at least half the jar of sauce and a good half-cup of grated cheese on top of her spaghetti. She doesn’t waste time then, grabbing a fork for each of them before digging in.

It’s been silent for a minute, both of them eating their meal – though Kara with _much_ more enthusiasm than Lena – before Lena speaks.

“Did you ever figure out who was behind it?” she asks, and she finds herself fighting back a chuckle when Kara looks up at her with wide eyes, mouth full of spaghetti.

“Hm?” she mumbles, chewing quickly before she swallows and repeats herself. “Sorry, what did you say?”

Lena’s laugh escapes her now, but she finds she doesn’t much mind. “Did you ever figure out who was behind the crash? Did you solve the mystery?”

“We did,” says Kara after a few seconds, and Lena doesn’t know why it feels like all the good energy has been sucked out of the room.

Lena knows she won’t like the answer – she has a sneaking suspicion that she already knows what it is, but she doesn’t want to jump the gun. She asks anyway. “Who was it?”

She hears Kara gulp and exhale softly before she finally replies. “Uh, it was Lex.”

Lena nods, but she doesn’t know if Kara sees the gesture, because she’s too busy staring down at her spaghetti, twisting her fork around in it aimlessly. “Did you figure out why?” she asks, but she thinks she already knows the answer.

“Yeah,” Kara says sadly. “It was… it was about you.”

Lena nods again, not trusting herself to speak. That’s two for two. Lex must _really_ want her dead. She locks her jaw and keeps her eyes wide open, refusing to let them water and drip tears into her pasta.

“Lena, I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to find out like this.”

“No, it’s fine.” She stabs a log of spaghetti that had clumped together and placing it in her mouth, chewing thoroughly before swallowing. “I guess it’s to be expected, right?”

“Lena,” Kara says, and it’s so soft that Lena half expects her to finish the sentence with something that will magically stop the tears from forming on her lower lashes, but not even Kara is that perfect. She doesn’t continue.

After a few seconds have passed, Lena speaks again. “It’s not that surprising. When we were growing up, he wasn’t…” She finds that she doesn’t know how to finish the sentence. (What does she want to say? Evil? Abusive? Psychopathic? She doesn’t know.) “But still. It’s not that surprising.”

Lena thinks that Kara expects her to continue, but she doesn’t. She returns to her bowl of pasta, picking at it slowly, and Kara seems to return to hers, too, because she can hear the scraping of her fork against the bowl. Still, Kara seems to be eating less enthusiastically before – even if she manages to finish all the remaining pasta from her bowl _and_ each of the strainers in the time it takes Lena to finish her one bowl. The silence isn’t awkward, not really, just charged. It’s sad, mostly. Lena can feel the melancholy in the air.

“I’m really tired,” she says when her bowl is finished, but she doesn’t look up into Kara’s eyes.

“Of course,” Kara says, swiftly taking both of their bowls to the sink and rinsing them before setting them in the dishwasher. When she finishes, she says, “I can get your things for you so you can get ready for bed,” and Lena nods to let her know that’s okay. Kara disappears off into the bedroom for maybe two seconds – literally – before she returns with a stack of clothing. Lena recognizes a pair of fuzzy Halloween socks, grey sweatpants, and faded blue sweater with the words, ‘National City University’ written across the front.

She thinks Kara can see her confusion with the fact that none of the articles of clothing seem like anything Lena would own, because she opens her mouth to explain. “You do have a set of pajamas, I think they’re actually the same as what you had when you moved to National City, but you always say that my clothes are comfier than they are. Of course, if you’re uncomfortable, I can get the pair you remember instead, I just thought maybe – “

“It’s fine,” Lena says, taking the stack of clothing from Kara gingerly. “This is great. Thank you.” She realizes then that she has no idea where she’s supposed to change. She assumes that Kara has seen her naked – which is something that she’s _definitely_ going to examine later – but she just wants to get ready alone right now.

“There are two bathrooms,” Kara says quickly, as if she’s read her mind. (Maybe she has. Maybe she’s a mind-reader. After all, who knows? Definitely not Lena.) Kara clears her throat. “You can take the one connected to our room and I’ll go get ready in the spare. Your toothbrush is on the right side of the sink. It’s, uh… it’s the Supergirl one.”

Lena sees Kara blush, but she can’t understand why. She also doesn’t understand why she would’ve bought a Supergirl toothbrush for herself at the ripe age of – how old was she again? If it’s 2021, then, she’s either 27 or 28, depending on the time of year. God, is she really almost 30? Had she really flashed forward to where almost done with her twenties? Had she really missed it all? She shakes her head. It doesn’t matter. Not right now.

“Thank you,” she says, but she doesn’t make eye contact with the woman to her right. She just can’t deal with it right now.

“I’m going to get ready, too,” says Kara, and her voice is soft again, like it had been at the hospital. Lena would usually care that she’s being patronized, but right now she can’t find it in herself to do so. “I’ll come back to get you settled when I’m done?” Kara asks.

“Yes, thank you,” Lena repeats. “I appreciate it.”

Lena assumes that Kara replies with something, but she doesn’t pay attention to it, instead walking towards the bathroom so she can finally get behind a closed door. It’s not that she’s anxious to get away from Kara, but more that she’s anxious to be alone. This has been a lot to process, and she doesn’t fancy doing so in front of someone who’s basically a complete stranger to her.

Shutting the door to the bathroom instantly calms her a little, and she revels in the sense of separation she has right now from the rest of the world. She busies herself with getting undressed, using the toilet, and getting dressed before she finds herself staring straight at her reflection as she goes to wash her hands.

It’s not like she had expected to look exactly the same as she did when she was 21. She’s not obsessed with youth or anything, but she realizes that she just hadn’t thought about how she might look now.

It’s not a huge difference. She still has the same features, same sharp jawline and clear green eyes. Her eyebrows are styled differently, but Lena actually finds that she likes them like this, full and sharp. She’s sure someone gets paid a lot of money to style them this way for her.

It’s small changes. When she raises her eyebrows, the lines on her forehead are more defined than she remembers them being, but they disappear when she relaxes her face again. Her skin seems brighter, but that’s probably because she’s wearing foundation, something past-her only did for special occasions. Her lips have a decent, if not a little smudged, application of ruby-red lipstick, and Lena wonders briefly how it’s stayed on all day. She had been in a car accident, hadn’t she? Her hair is a little longer, but the simple waves that she’s always had are still present. She can see a curling iron beside her that she assumes is hers, so she guesses that this just happens to be a rare day when she didn’t straighten it.

She can’t really quantify it, but she knows she looks different than she remembers. She knows she’s aged. It’s just a little terrifying to think that she hadn’t been present for any of it.

She shakes the thought out of her head and scrubs her hands clean before beginning to brush her teeth. When she finishes, she wipes off the makeup from her skin with a makeup wipe and looks back at herself in the mirror.

It’s less shocking, this way. She looks closer to what she remembers. She thinks her pulse steadies a little when she realizes that she’s basically still the same person. She’s still Lena, there are just some new experiences that she’s had. She’ll learn about them, just… not right now.

When she steps out of the bathroom, Kara is waiting patiently at the doorway to the bedroom. Lena tries to smile reassuringly at her, hoping to convince her that she’s fine, but she doesn’t know if she succeeds.

Kara doesn’t react. “Here,” she says, “let me just get my pillow and you can have the whole bed to yourself. I’m going to go sleep on the couch.”

“What? No, no, you can’t do that,” says Lena. “This is your place; I can’t steal your bed from you. I can sleep on the couch.”

“Using your logic, I can’t let you do that either. This is your place, too.”

“Kara,” says Lena, looking at her with an exasperated expression on her face.

“Lena,” Kara repeats in the same tone of voice. “I am not letting you sleep on the couch.”

“Well I’m _also_ not letting you sleep on the couch!”

Kara narrows her eyes at Lena for a second, seemingly trying to intimidate her, but Lena knows there’s no malice behind it. Kara’s eyes are too kind for Lena to believe that Kara would ever hurt her in any way.

“It seems we are at an impasse,” says Kara after a few seconds, hands on her hips.

“That’s a big word,” Lena quips.

“Well, I am a journalist, you know.”

Lena lets out a soft chuckle, and she surprises herself when she realizes that it’s not at all faked. She doesn’t know what to do for a moment. What do they usually do in this situation? It’s not as if Lena can remember.

It’s then that it hits her. “If neither of us can sleep on the couch,” Lena begins, “maybe we could both sleep in here?” She feels her pulse speed up as soon as the words leave her mouth, and she doesn’t know why that is. Why is she so nervous? Why does it feel like she’s about to give a speech or something?

Kara stutters. “Oh? You would – I don’t want to make… well, are you sure?”

“Of course,” says Lena, and she finds that her heart seems to double its pace as she says that. She hopes that Kara can’t tell how nervous she is. She thinks that her face is neutral, but she doesn’t know. Maybe Kara has some secret way of knowing exactly what Lena is feeling.

“We don’t have to do this,” Kara repeats.

“I know. I want to.” Lena clears her throat. “I mean, it’s a big bed. There’s more than enough room for both of us. And usually we sleep in it together, right?”

“Yes, but –”

“Then what’s the problem now?” Lena asks, her eyes never leaving Kara’s.

Kara hesitates. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable.”

“But would you tell me if you were?”

Lena thinks on it for a moment before answering honestly, “Probably not. But if I were uncomfortable with you, I wouldn’t have suggested that we share the bed.”

“Not even if you thought I was upset about it?” Kara asks, but Lena is almost positive that she’s warming up to the idea.

“Kara,” says Lena, setting one hand on her hip, “I thought you knew me.”

“I do!” Kara protests. “I know you better than I know anyone else.”

“Then you know that I don’t sacrifice what I want just because I think someone might be upset.”

Kara grins a little lopsidedly, and Lena feels something swoop low in her stomach. She’ll have to examine what exactly that is at a later time.

“That’s true.” Kara takes a deep breath. “Okay, we can share the bed, but if you are ever even a teensy-weensy bit uncomfortable, just wake me up and I will immediately take myself outside to sleep on the couch. Does that sound okay?”

“That sounds good to me,” says Lena, and she can’t help the soft smile that breaks across her face. She lifts up the blue comforter and two sheets so she can bury herself under them, almost groaning when she finally settles into the bed. She wasn’t even thinking about sleep before, but now that she’s in this incredibly comfy bed, she’s surprised that future-her ever does anything _but_ sleep.

She’s about to drift off into a peaceful sleep until she remembers that Kara is less than a foot away, sharing the same blankets that she is, radiating warmth just to the right of her. She doesn’t know what she wants from that, just that the idea of Kara so close to her makes her pulse race again and her stomach do a somersault. She can hear Kara breathing softly next to her, but she knows that Kara is still awake because the breaths aren’t even and slow like they would be if she were sleeping.

Lena isn’t sure how long she lies there, listening to Kara’s breathing calm her heart rate into its normal rhythm. With her eyes closed, listening to the gentle sound of Kara’s lungs taking air in and out of them, Lena feels like she can finally relax. This must be what peace is.


	3. Kara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Lena spend the day getting to know each other and some new information comes to light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry it took me so long to update guys!!! i had finals until like monday and then it just took me forever to finish the last half of the chapter :( but here it is now! idk how much i like this one but i hope u enjoy anyway!

It’s not unusual for Kara to wake up in the morning and find Lena pressed neatly into her front, her arm looped loosely around Lena’s waist. Actually, it happens more days than not. About the only times they don’t wake up like this is when one of them is resting their head on the other’s chest or it’s too impossibly hot to be cuddled up next to anyone else. It would be far more startling for Kara to wake up _not_ holding Lena in some way, which is why she doesn’t think anything of the position she finds herself in.

She doesn’t think it odd when she finds herself wrapped around the woman she loves, nose pressed into the crook between Lena’s neck and shoulder. She doesn’t think twice before nuzzling deeper into Lena’s space, doesn’t hesitate before she pulls Lena ever so slightly closer and tries to drift back to sleep, knowing that her warmth is one of Lena’s favorite things to wake up to. She hears a content hum coming from the perfect woman sleeping in her arms and feels herself smile into Lena’s skin.

Nothing seems at all odd until a few minutes pass and she suddenly hears signs that Lena is regaining consciousness, her pulse speeding up to a rate significantly faster than it usually is when she wakes up. At first, Kara offhandedly thinks that Lena just nervous about something that’s supposed to happen later today, so she leans over to place gentle kisses on the fabric covering Lena’s shoulder. This usually helps calm her down at least a little bit, but it’s decidedly _not_ doing that right now, because Lena’s pulse only increases. That’s what pulls Kara out of the half-asleep haze that she’s currently in, memories of yesterday finally flooding in.

Lena doesn’t remember her.

Kara pulls back her arms with nearly inhuman speed as she realizes it, managing to detangle herself from Lena and shoot out of the bed in less than a second. In the back of her mind, she finds herself hoping that Lena isn’t awake enough to realize that a normal human being couldn’t have done that in such a small amount of time, but Lena hasn’t moved to look back at her. She’s lying perfectly still, her whole body angled away from Kara.

Kara is almost certain that Lena is awake, but on the off chance she’s wrong, she doesn’t want to ruin Lena’s sleep with a stream of apologies. She stands there in silence for a few seconds until Lena moves to sit up – her face still turned away – and Kara lets it all go.

“God, Lena, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to touch you in any way that you didn’t agree to, and I am so sorry that I did. It was an accident, I promise – I think I just gravitated towards you in my sleep? Not that that’s a good excuse! I’m not trying to excuse my actions because you’re clearly uncomfortable, but I really did _not_ intend it, and I really wish I could –”

Lena cuts off Kara’s rambling when two quiet words. “It’s fine,” she breathes, an unreadable tone in her voice. Kara is glad that she was listening so intently, because had she not been, she might’ve missed it.

“I’m sorry,” Kara repeats, her voice softer now. “It won’t ever happen again. I’ll sleep on the couch tomorrow, okay? I’m so sorry.”

Lena doesn’t say anything, her body sat up perfectly still and her back hunched over so that it almost looks like she’s trying to collapse in on herself. She looks like she wants to disappear, and Kara can hear Lena’s heart beating frantically in her chest.

Kara doesn’t think she’s ever felt as _helpless_ as she does now. Lena is clearly upset, but Kara can only guess at the reasons why. Yes, waking up cuddled up with someone you don’t really know would be a little nerve-wracking, a little awkward, but the response that Lena had to it was… extreme. It’s clearly indicative of something else going on, something serious, something deeper. Something that Kara can’t begin to imagine.

She starts to wrack her brain for explanations, but she’s torn away from her thoughts when she notices Lena standing up, back eerily straight now, and walking over to the bathroom without saying anything.

“Lena?” Kara calls, and she wants to go to her and see for herself that her wife is okay, but she thinks that would probably make it worse.

“I’m going to get ready,” is all Lena says in response, voice eerily steady and eyes still facing the wall opposite to Kara. She walks into the bathroom, only turning around to close the door, and even then, her gaze is angled down at the ground – probably, Kara supposes, so she doesn’t have to make eye contact with the stranger she had just been cuddling.

Kara only gets a glimpse of Lena’s face, but the expression on it cracks her heart open, just a little. Lena’s features are trying their hardest to read as blank – no hint of the smile that she usually wakes up with – but Kara can still see that she’s trying to hold back tears. Her jaw is clenched, and her eyes are misty in the way that mean she’s definitely going to cry soon. Kara hasn’t seen this particular look in… well, she can’t even remember how long. After the first year of their relationship, Lena had grown to trust Kara, had grown to realize that she doesn’t have to face her problems on her own. Usually when Lena is this upset, when she feels like the world is crashing down around her, she comes to Kara.

She comes for help.

Kara thinks if she could give Lena back any one memory, any one thing that she knew two days ago but doesn’t now, that would be it. Yes, she would love to be able to kiss her wife, to make any of the thousands of inside jokes they had, or to ask her opinion about the issues in her life currently. She wants Lena back – more than anything – but if she could only bring one part of Lena back from the dead, it would be the part that let her know she didn’t have to be alone anymore.

Kara hears Lena fumbling at the light switches on the wall for a few seconds before the fan turns on, and then she hears a soft sob break loose. Kara doesn’t know what else to do besides stand there and listen to Lena’s shaky breathing while the fan whirs, which Lena clearly turned on so that no one could hear.

She doesn’t want Kara to hear her.

Kara knows that the reasons for that are either that Lena is ashamed with herself for being upset, or that she’s trying to protect Kara from getting her feelings hurt, but she honestly doesn’t know which one is worse.

She stands outside the bathroom door for another minute, only getting the motivation to exit when she hears Lena switch on the bath water. Kara knows that whenever Lena is upset, she wants to be surrounded by warmth and noise. Usually when Kara is around, she lets herself be held in her wife’s arms while something plays on the TV in the background or Kara rambles idly about something of little importance.

Before they met, before Lena had gotten used to being comforted by a living breathing person, she still knew how to calm herself down. She would sit on the floor of her tub with the showerhead on and her ears plugged, letting herself be drenched by the scalding water. Lena had said that, with her ears plugged, she could almost pretend she was hearing the ocean. So now that Lena no longer remembers her, now that they’re as good as strangers, Kara has to live with the fact that Lena has returned to old habits.

Kara doesn’t know how she ends up in the spare bathroom staring emptily back at her reflection, but she’s glad to know that it shares a wall with the bathroom Lena is in, so she can hear anything that happens. Not that she wouldn’t be able to hear if she were anywhere else in the apartment, because, well, she _is_ Supergirl, but… still. She allows herself to go about her daily routine, trying to get ready for the day as if it were just like any other, but it’s not.

When she’s ready to get dressed, she uses her superspeed to find the right outfit. Should she dress in comforting clothes so that Lena knows she’s allowed to relax, too? Or should she wear something that she might wear to work, knowing that Lena loves all the outfits she wears to Catco? Then again, that was old Lena. New-Lena doesn’t know anything about her, so Kara eventually settles on something in between the two, donning jeans and a flannel open to reveal a white t-shirt.

Lena isn’t still out of the shower after Kara has finished everything she needs to, and she’s getting restless. She kind of wants to use her x-ray vision to make sure that Lena is okay, but she knows that’s an invasion of privacy, so she doesn’t.

She does, however, stand outside the bathroom door for a few minutes, oscillating between the choices of whether or not to knock. She listens closely, but she doesn’t hear any movement, just breathing that has evened out considerably from fifteen minutes ago and the sound of water running. That’s good, right? Lena isn’t crying anymore.

Then again, why isn’t she moving? The two options here are that she’s still sitting on the floor of the tub, or that she passed out and is now unconscious. Is it irrational to worry that maybe she fainted and is drowning right now? Did the doctor tell Kara to watch out for fainting? Lena isn’t dying, right? Right?

Kara quickly raps on the door before calling out, “Lena! Are you okay?” in a voice that doesn’t sound anywhere near as calm as she would’ve liked it to.

There’s a moment of silence before she hears Lena call back, “Yes, sorry. I’m almost done in here,” and Kara can feel every muscle in her body relax. Lena is fine. Not emotionally, but at least physically. Lena is safe.

She’s alive.

Kara breathes a sigh of relief before she speaks. “I was just checking. Take your time.” She knows she should walk away after that, but she doesn’t for a few seconds, not until she hears Lena begin to move, and then a shampoo bottle cap popping open.

She heads back to the kitchen.

Kara scrambles an entire carton of eggs and manages to cook 4 heaping plates of pancakes before Lena walks into the room, sopping black hair dripping water down the front of the NCU sweatshirt that she’d seemingly put back on. She’s wearing jeans instead of sweats now, though, and Kara does _not_ lust over the smooth curve of her thigh wrapped in blue denim, not even slightly.

Kara shakes her head. There are more important things to be focused on. She doesn’t really know what she’s supposed to say – does she apologize for this morning? does she pretend it never happened? – so she settles on a cheery, “Good morning! I made eggs and pancakes!”

Lena smiles softly at her, and a large grumble comes from her stomach as soon as she opens her mouth.

Kara laughs, a full toothy smile on display. “Hungry?”

“I guess I am,” Lena says, the expression on her face almost surprised. “Weird.”

“Weird?” Kara repeats, walking over to the fridge to grab the real maple syrup that Lena had insisted on buying – not the fake Aunt Jemima’s one that Kara usually got. (“That stuff is mostly corn syrup, Kara,” Lena had protested, and Kara had joked back, “What do you have against corn syrup?”)

Lena just shakes her head, eyebrows furrowed slightly. “I don’t know, I just don’t get hungry in the morning.”

“Oh,” says Kara. She forces a laugh as she tries to ignore the pain that comes with knowing that Lena doesn’t remember any of their past together. (Nothing at all.) “I forgot that you don’t remember me conditioning you into being hungry when you wake up.”

“Excuse me?” Lena asks, and Kara thinks she sounds almost angry, which is why she looks up from carrying their plates to the table. When she sees that Lena is _definitely_ a little angry, she backtracks.

“What? Oh – no! Not in a bad way, I promise! I think that came out wrong, because that’s not what I meant. That’s just what you called it when I kept bringing you breakfast in the mornings after we started dating. You said I was classically conditioning you like you were one of Pavlov’s dogs. I-it was a joke, though! You weren’t really mad, I promise.”

Lena’s face softens, any traces of anger leaving, confusion replacing them. “Why would you do that?”

“You told me you never ate breakfast.”

There’s a pause before Lena says, “So?”

“Well, I – I care about you! And breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Lena. I couldn’t have my favorite CEO missing out on necessary nutrients, could I?”

Lena lets loose an odd sort of chuckle before she says, “Right, I was CEO,” completely disregarding the rest of Kara’s sentence.

“Yeah,” Kara replies. She stands up to take the plates of food to the table so they can serve themselves, making a last-minute trip to the fridge to get blueberries for Lena and a bottle of ketchup for herself.

Lena crinkles up her nose at the sight of the ketchup being placed on the island, which brings Kara back in time. Lena had made that exact same face the first time she saw Kara putting ketchup on her eggs, the first morning they had breakfast together at Kara’s apartment. It doesn’t help that the morning in question was after they spent their first night together. The first night they’d slept together. Kara remembers Lena’s soft skin under her fingertips, the taste of Lena’s lips on hers, the sounds that Lena made right as –

Nope! Never mind! Kara is _not_ going to think about that.

Instead she asks, “What?” and puts a crooked smile on her face, trying to ignore the fact that she had just been thinking about all the mind-blowing sex she’d had with the woman in front of her. The woman who doesn’t remember it – not _any_ of it.

“Ketchup?” Lena asks disbelievingly.

“Yeah… What’s the problem?” Kara replies, feigning ignorance as to why Lena looks downright appalled.

“Ketchup doesn’t go with anything on this table. There’s nothing you can pair it with that doesn’t make you gross.”

Kara laughs, real joy slipping out of her. “You know, you said that exact same thing the very first time you saw me put ketchup on my eggs.”

There’s a second where something dark passes across Lena’s features before it’s gone and she says in that sultry teasing voice that Kara loves so much, “Then I guess it’s two against one.”

Kara finds her hands reflexively squeezing at the ketchup bottle and a nervous giggle escaping her, and she averts her gaze away from Lena to stare down at the red and yellow mess she’s just made on her plate.

When she looks back up, Lena is staring straight at her with an unreadable expression deep in her green eyes, and it makes Kara’s stomach flip.

“What?” she asks, running the tips of her fingers over the area around her mouth. “Do I have something on my face?” No, that can’t be it, she hasn’t even taken a bite of her food yet.

“No, sorry. It’s nothing,” Lena replies, her gaze settling on the empty plate in front of her.

They sit in the quiet for a moment before Kara speaks. “Do you want some eggs? They’re cage-free,” she coaxes. “Or blueberries, maybe? They’re your favorite. You like to put them on top of your pancakes.”

Lena uses her knife to transfer a pancake onto her plate and drops three blueberries on top of it, raising her eyebrows slightly as if to say, ‘Like this?’

“Here,” says Kara, pouring a small puddle of syrup just to the right of Lena’s pancake. “You like to dip.”

Lena gingerly takes the advice, chewing the combination thoughtfully for a moment before swallowing and smiling shyly. “It’s good!”

“She says with surprise in her voice for some reason,” Kara teases.

That brings a slight blush to Lena’s cheeks, and Kara finds herself grinning at the sight. “I guess I’ll have to trust you next time,” Lena says.

“I guess so.”

Kara uses her fork to split the plate of scrambled eggs up and swipes a good three quarters of them onto her own plate before moving on to a stack of pancakes.

Lena doesn’t comment on the colossal amount of food that Kara has in front of her, just taking another small bite of her pancake. They eat in silence for a minute before Lena speaks.

“Is there anything I need to be doing?”

Kara stops chewing. “What?”

“Is there anything I need to be doing?” Lena repeats, enunciating the words carefully.

“No, no, I heard you the first time. I’m just confused on what you mean. What _do_ you mean?”

“I mean, what’s the plan for today?”

“Plan? We don’t really have a plan.” Kara furrows her eyebrows and drops her fork to her plate. “Are you feeling okay?” She fights the urge to reach her hand out to touch Lena – not so much to check if she’s sick, because she remembers that the warmth Lena was radiating this morning wasn’t any hotter than usual – but because that’s what she usually does when Lena isn’t feeling well. She remembers how well that went last time, though, so she doesn’t.

“I’m fine,” Lena says, her voice a little more detached than it had been a second earlier. She takes a breath before returning to her previous tone and saying, “I’m just wondering what I have to get done today.”

Kara feels her heart squeeze a little when she realizes that Lena is worried about productivity at a time like this. Has this Lena ever been given a day to herself? Has this Lena ever had anyone take care of her? Has this Lena ever felt that she was more important than whatever task needed to be completed that day?

“No, there’s nothing,” says Kara, words rushing out of her. “You were just in a car accident! There’s nothing that needs to be done that’s anywhere near as important as taking care of you today.”

“Don’t you have a job?” Lena asks, genuine curiosity seeping into her voice.

Kara shrugs. “I took the day off. They can survive without me for a few days. You’re more important.”

Lena doesn’t seem fazed, because she just continues. “Don’t _I_ have a job?”

“L-Corp can survive without you, too. You just need to focus on resting for the next few days.”

“I’m fine,” Lena insists, shaking her head.

“Oh, really?”

Sarcasm is practically dripping from Kara’s voice, and Lena answers in tow. “Yes, really.”

Kara doesn’t say anything, just shifts her gaze down to the splint covering Lena’s left wrist before staring back into her eyes pointedly.

“That’s nothing. I’m fine,” Lena snaps, jerking her left arm down to her side, wincing slightly when the splint connects with her thigh roughly.

“Careful!” Kara yelps, hands instinctively reaching out to soothe before she remembers the context of the situation and pulls them back. Right. Lena doesn’t want to be touched. Lena doesn’t want to be touched by _Kara_. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lena breathes. She shakes her head slightly. “I really am fine, though.”

“Then would you humor me?”

Kara thinks she sees the ghost of a smile on Lena’s lips before she replies. “Well, that depends. What does humoring you entail?”

Kara pretends to think about it for a moment. “I think it means that you let me take care of you for a few days. We can do whatever you want, and you can ask me whatever you want, but you have to be gentle with yourself. And if you need anything, you let me get it for you.”

“Whatever I want?”

“Whatever you want.” Kara smiles back at her, noting the quickening heartbeat in Lena’s chest. Why is her heart beating so fast? Is she in pain? Is she nervous? Is something wrong?

“Would you get me a cinnamon raisin bagel, then?”

Kara almost laughs, because she doesn’t know what she expected Lena to say, but it certainly wasn’t _that_. “A cinnamon raisin bagel?”

“Yes. With cream cheese.” Lena’s voice is smooth and even, no hint of fear or pain on any of her features, but her pulse is still beating much faster than it usually does. Kara can’t help but wonder what’s going on.

She decides that it doesn’t matter. It’s not as if Lena would tell her what was wrong anyway. She’ll be out and back in less than a few minutes, so she doesn’t have to worry about anything going wrong while she’s away. She can keep tabs on Lena’s heartbeat from anywhere in the city, anyway, so if anything happened, she would be able to come right back and help. If a cinnamon raisin bagel will make Lena feel even a little bit better, then a cinnamon raisin bagel she shall get.

“Sure,” is what Kara says eventually. “Anything else you need?”

Lena just shakes her head and smiles softly, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She stares down at her pancakes and pushes a few pieces of egg around on her plate with her fork, not bothering to look up at Kara until she’s at the door with her shoes on, opening her mouth to speak.

“You’ll be alright while I’m gone?”

Lena sighs and says indignantly, “I still remember how to keep myself alive, you know. I didn’t lose _all_ of my memory.”

“Right! Of course. I’m sorry,” Kara babbles, trying to force out a laugh that sounds almost half-way normal and ducking her head so that Lena can’t see her blush. “I’ll be back before you know it, okay?”

Lena doesn’t respond, just smiles softly at her as she closes the door. Kara doesn’t waste any time after closing the door to their apartment, immediately jogging over to the staircase, knowing that the faster she can get Lena her bagel, the sooner she can be home to take care of her. And, yes, she knows that Lena is a grown woman who doesn’t need anyone to look after her, but she can’t help but feel the knot in her stomach tighten in a way that tells her that she needs to be around to keep Lena safe. All sorts of terrible things could happen to her. All sorts of terrible things _have_ happened to her. It’s not irrational for Kara to be worried. In fact, it’s probably healthy.

That’s what she tells herself, anyway.

The street outside their apartment building looks the same as it always does, and the people walking along it are doing the same thing they always do, too. Kara’s almost confused for a second, until she remembers that of course they are. Of course everything is the same. Today is a normal day for everyone else. Why would they change their lives for Kara’s crisis?

Still, it’s hard to believe that the rest of the world is still spinning while Kara’s world doesn’t even know who she is.

~

Kara returns to their apartment with Lena’s bagel in tow in no time, calling out sweetly, “I’m back!” before she sets her keys on the table by the door and starts looking around for her wife. When she doesn’t see her seated at the island like she was before Kara had left, she calls again. “Lena?”

Kara focuses in on Lena’s steady heartbeat, which she deduces to be coming from the bedroom, so she knows she hasn’t left. Her pulse had stayed steady this entire time, so there shouldn’t be anything wrong, right? It’s been, like, five minutes. What could’ve gone wrong?

She enters the bedroom to find Lena curled up on the left side of the bed with a computer on her lap. She doesn’t look up from the screen, an unreadable expression on her face. Is she sad? Is she angry? Is she just zoned out?

“Lena?” Kara asks again, and that’s when Lena finally turns her attention away from the computer and towards Kara. “Are you okay?”

Lena nods and says, “Yes, fine,” but her voice cracks on the first word.

“Lena,” Kara repeats, walking around to the other side of the bed to sit down next to her. She moves slowly, carefully, like any sudden movement could scare Lena away. Who knows? Maybe it could. When she finally settles into a position next to Lena where she can see the computer screen, her heart breaks, just a little.

The laptop is open to the show the Catco website, an article that Kara herself had written plastered on the screen. That’s not the important part, though. The important part is that the article in question is titled “The Life and Death of Jack Spheer.”

“Oh,” Kara breathes out, and she’s almost glad when Lena speaks, because she doesn’t know what she would’ve said after that, anyway.

“I checked my contacts on my phone first, you know,” Lena starts, her voice controlled and even. “I was worried maybe I wouldn’t be able to guess the passcode to get into it, but there’s facial recognition on phones, now. I thought that was cool, that government technology like that has been monetized for personal use, but...” She takes a break to swallow hard. “When I didn’t find his name on the list, I thought maybe we’d just had a messy breakup, and that’s why I didn’t have his number anymore. We’d never really fought too badly, not that I can remember, but I thought that maybe we’d ended on bad terms” She laughs bitterly before saying, “I mean, we _obviously_ aren’t together anymore.

“I went to look him up. I just wanted to see what he was up to now. To see if he was alright. I didn’t think…” She trails off, wrapping her right hand around one of the fingers on her left. Kara lets it be until she sees the tendons in Lena’s hand flex and realizes that the woman she loves is absentmindedly digging her thumbnail into the soft skin of her finger.

“Lena,” Kara murmurs again, and reaches her hand out to rest on top of Lena’s, hoping to stop her. She’s a little surprised when Lena doesn’t jerk away, when she allows her hands to be pried apart with almost no effort. Kara keeps her palm on top of Lena’s right hand for a moment, gently ghosting her thumb back and forth along Lena’s skin in a way that she used to find soothing, before. Kara doesn’t know if it does anything for her now, but she doesn’t seem to mind it.

“It doesn’t say how it happened,” Lena says. “Do you know how it happened? How he died?”

Kara takes a moment to pull herself together before she nods. “Yes.”

“Well?” Lena’s voice cracks.

Lena is still staring straight at the computer screen, but her eyes are stationary, which Kara knows means that she isn’t reading. She isn’t looking at anything in particular. She just doesn’t want to look at Kara. It’s like the hospital all over again.

Kara starts off slowly. “You remember the nanobots you had been working on with him in Metropolis?” she asks, and Lena nods. “Well, he kept working on them after you moved to National City. And you remember… you remember the side effects they caused? Why you couldn’t release them yet until you figured out how to counteract it?”

Kara can almost see the wheels turning in Lena’s mind as she answers. “We could get the rats to do anything we wanted. The nanobots took away their free will.” She pauses for a second and furrows her eyebrows, shaking her head. “How did that…? It didn’t kill them. They were mindless, but they didn’t die.”

“I know. It’s… that’s not what killed him.”

“Then what did?”

Kara sighs, trying to think of the best way to word this. No, that’s a lie. That’s not what she’s concerned with. She’s thinking of a way to word this so that Lena doesn’t have to find out that she’s the one who did it, who pulled the metaphorical trigger, so to speak. She doesn’t want Lena to know that she’s the one who killed the only person she believes ever truly loved her.

She knows Lena will find out eventually. Kara will tell her, if she has to. It just can’t be today. It’s too soon. Lena’s already lost so much in the past 24 hours, and Kara can’t possibly give her any more pain right now.

“Someone took advantage of him,” is what she eventually decides on. “He had been testing the nanobots on himself, trying to figure out how to get rid of the side effect, when he was manipulated into sharing the deal with someone. She knew that the nanobots took away free will, and she used that against him. She started controlling him.”

Lena closes her eyes for a moment, inhaling shakily when she finally opens them. She must realize that Kara stopped speaking to give her a moment, because when she’s done, she says, “It’s fine. Please, go on.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please,” Lena says, and it sounds desperate in the way that Kara isn’t used to. The first word cracks in her throat like she’s going to cry, but then she coughs lightly and repeats herself, and she sounds calm again. Well, not calm, exactly. Cold.

Detached.

Kara thinks she can do nothing but oblige, so she continues. “She used him to… well, she made him do bad things, but because of the nanobots, he didn’t know what he was doing. When she was caught, the nanobots were about to, uh, kill someone. Unfortunately, the only way to shut them off would also… well, it would kill him, too.”

Lena takes another deep breath, and Kara doesn’t know what to do besides sit there for a moment in silence, rubbing her thumb along the back of Lena’s hand. She doesn’t know if it’s helping – doesn’t know if there’s _anything_ that could possibly help – but Lena hasn’t pulled away, so it can’t be hurting.

“Was he alone?” Lena asks, and her voice is so quiet that Kara thinks she might not have caught if she weren’t Kryptonian.

“No,” Kara insists, guessing that Lena is asking if he was alone when he died. “He wasn’t alone.”

“Did he…” Lena shakes her head, deciding not to continue whatever the question was. “Were we together?”

Kara’s hand stiffens ever so slightly before she thinks to relax it again and continues stroking Lena’s hand. Kara knows all about Jack, about how Lena loved him in the only way she knew how to at the time. She knows that Jack wasn’t Lena’s soulmate, her true love, her _person_ or whatever cheesy phrase Kara calls Lena that Alex teases her for. She knows that Lena didn’t love Jack the way she loves Kara – _loved_ , she corrects, because this Lena doesn’t love her anymore – but that he was the closest to love Lena thought she was ever going to get. Jack was her best friend, and even if she couldn’t ever love him the way she wanted to, the way she wished she could, she still cared for him.

Still, Kara can’t help but wonder, does the Lena sitting next to her know that? Does she even know she’s a lesbian? Has she ever confronted the option, suspected it, consciously thought about it at all? Does the Lena sitting next to her know that Jack was never what she wanted? Or does she think she’s in love with him?

“No,” Kara eventually answers. She can’t think about that right now. Now is not the time for Kara to wonder if her wife is in love with a dead man. “No, you weren’t together. This was after. But he knew you loved him. He knew you cared. And he cared about you, too.”

“How would you know?” Lena asks, bitterness leeching into her tone.

Kara sighs. This is it. There’s no way out of it. This is where she has to tell Lena that she was involved, even if she doesn’t tell Lena about the part where she had to make the decision to kill the man that she thought she loved.

“You were there before it happened,” Kara says, choosing to leave out the part where she was there _while_ it happened, too. “You had… well, you had time with him. You were thinking of trying again, actually. He knew you cared about him; I promise. He cared about you, too, all the way until the end.”

Lena is quiet for a moment before she asks, gaze still glued to the computer screen, “Do you know what the last thing I said to him was?”

“No,” is Kara’s immediate response.

It’s a lie, because Kara knows exactly what Lena said to him right before he died. Kara knows exactly what it sounded like to hear Lena whimper, _I’m sorry, Jack_ , right before she pushed the button that would end his life. Kara knows. She knows that lying to the love of her life is beyond terrible, that it’s only torn them apart in the past, but she doesn’t know how she could possibly tell Lena the truth about this.

Really, she doesn’t know how she’s going to tell Lena the truth about anything. The fear of it sits high up in her chest, constricting her lungs. She’s _terrified_ for Lena to find out about everything that’s happened. All the heartbreak and tragedy that Lena’s been through in the past six years is enough for anyone to deal with in a whole lifetime. What’s more than that, she knows that Lena had barely survived it all when it had been delivered to her over the course of a few years, when each blow was punctuated with a few months for her to process before the next terrible thing came to pass.

How could she ever deal with it all at once?

Kara is brought out of her thoughts when she feels Lena pull her hand out from under Kara’s own, bringing it up to her face to quickly wipe away the tears that have escaped.

“I want to know what else has happened,” she begins, “I mean, I _need_ to know what happened. But… but can it all wait?” Lena takes a deep breath before diving into an explanation. “I want to know, but if it’s all like this… I think I need a breather first.”

“Of course,” Kara agrees quickly, and it’s hard to keep her hands at her sides when all she really wants to do is reach out to comfort her wife. “I completely understand. We can take all the time you need, okay? You don’t need to rush into any of this.”

Lena nods before saying, “Is there anything I need to know _right now_? Something that is going to affect me in the next twenty-four hours?”

Kara wracks her brain for a moment – Lena’s mother is in prison, her brother tried to kill her a bunch more times and then broke out of prison to commit a terrorist attack, the closest and only friend she’d ever had at the time had betrayed her, her assistant-turned-good-friend ended up being her brother’s lackey planted to spy on her – before she says decisively, “No.”

“Okay then,” Lena replies, inhaling sharply. “As of right now, I’ll just assume that everyone I remember is…” She pauses to clear her throat. “Absent.”

Kara wants to correct her, wants to be able to tell her that what she’s saying isn’t true, but she can’t, because it is. She’s always known that Lena has been through too much heartbreak in her relatively few years on Earth, but it’s now when it really sinks in. It’s now when she really realizes that everyone that Lena’s ever loved has been taken from her, or worse, decided to leave themselves.

Until now. Kara vows to herself in this moment that Lena Luthor won’t ever lose any more love. Not while she’s around.

She changes the subject. “Do you want to watch something?”

“What?” Lena asks, and the half-chuckle she lets out as she says it is just enough for Kara’s heart to skip a beat.

“Well, I don’t know if you realized this, but there’s got to be, like, millions of new shows for you to catch up on,” Kara says, smiling encouragingly. Maybe this could be just the right sort of distraction to help Lena get through the day.

Lena stares down at her hands for a moment before she smiles and quirks an eyebrow. “Millions, you say?”

“Oh, yeah, for sure,” Kara says, smiling. “Plus, there are like six years of movies you need to see!” Kara unfolds her legs and dismounts from the bed, quickly walking the perimeter of it around to Lena’s side, where she holds out her hand in an offer to help Lena up. “How does that sound?”

Lena hesitates for a moment, reservation written all over her face, but then she’s reaching out her hand to grab Kara’s, and in that moment, it seems like everything is going to be okay.

Lena’s hand in Kara’s own is not something that Kara is unfamiliar with. They’ve held hands thousands of times, enough so that even Alex and Maggie make fun of them sometimes for how often it happens. (Kara doesn’t mind, though, because it means that she gets to touch her favorite person in the world. Being in constant contact with the love of her life is worth a few teasing comments from her sister and her wife, right?)

Lena’s hand still feels the same, physically. Her fingers are still long and slim and just a little too cold to match temperature with the rest of her body, but everything else about the way Lena’s hand fits in her own is new and different. For one thing, Lena’s touch is feather-light, like she’s scared that gripping Kara’s hand with any more strength will ruin something. She uses Kara’s hand to steady herself as she steps down off the bed, removing her hand as soon as she has both feet planted firmly on the floor.

Kara misses Lena’s touch as soon as it’s gone, but she knows it will only make Lena feel worse if she shows it, so she just smiles over at her. Lena stands at the edge of the bed with her arms crossed, chin up, and jaw slightly clenched, which means she’s either 1, cold and fighting a headache, or 2, trying her best to give off an air of confidence. Kara knows that whenever Lena feels threatened or vulnerable or scared, she has to make sure everyone knows that she’s _not_. To protect herself, Lena Luthor has crafted this image of herself as coldhearted and stoic. She needs the world to think that she’s hard and uncaring.

Kara doesn’t know if there’s anything more painful than knowing that she’s part of the world that Lena is trying to protect herself from, now.

She tries not to think of that. Instead she leads the way to the living room where the TV is, grabs the remotes, and plops down on the far-right side of the couch. Lena hesitates for a moment, clearly unsure about where she should sit, so Kara stands up and gestures to the seats around her.

“You can sit wherever you like!” She points over to the couch she just stood up from. “This one is super soft, but the loveseat over there angles perfectly towards the TV, and the yellow couch has tons of pillows…” She trails off. “Anywhere is good, though.”

Lena just nods noncommittally and asks, “Where do I usually sit?”

“Oh,” Kara begins, her fingers twisting around each other uncomfortably in an effort to release the nervous energy inside of her. Usually they sit on the loveseat, tangled up in each other and reveling in the warmth the other brings. No matter what position they’re in on any of the seats, though, they’re always touching.

Kara can’t say that, though, can she?

Lena seems to deduce that they usually spend their time next to each other, so she just purses her lips, seemingly biting the inside of her cheek. “Right. Is this seat okay?” she asks, pointing to the far-left corner of the couch that Kara was on, as far as you can possibly get from her while still sitting on the same piece of furniture.

Kara hides the sting of rejection behind a smile. “That’s great!”

Lena gingerly sets herself down on the couch, back pointedly straight and feet planted firmly on the ground.

“Are you comfortable?” Kara asks, one eyebrow raised curiously.

“Absolutely.”

Kara raises her other eyebrow and stays silent for a moment before Lena clears her throat lightly and readjusts herself, leaning a little farther back on the sofa and crossing her legs.

Kara feels satisfied with this turn of events, now that Lena has at least tried to make herself feel at home, so she flips on the TV remote and opens up Netflix.

“Any preferences?” Kara asks.

Lena shakes her head. “I don’t really watch much TV.”

Kara nearly winces at the recollection. “Gosh, I knew that! I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I forgot that.”

“It’s alright, Kara,” Lena says calmly. The part that really hurts to hear is that Kara can tell Lena really _is_ fine with it. She doesn’t see any problem with the fact that her wife, the person who is supposed to know her better than anyone else, forgot that she didn’t have a favorite TV show in 2015.

“It’s really not, but thank you anyway.” Kara hums thoughtfully before suddenly remembering that Lena – this Lena – hasn’t seen her favorite movie yet. “Wait! You don’t remember Wonder Woman, right?”

“Should I?”

“No, no, I remember now, it came out right before we started dating. We went to go see it in the theaters and you cried when – well, I can’t spoil it for you.”

Lena’s features seem to harden at the mention of her crying, and Kara thinks for a moment that maybe she shouldn’t have said that, but then she remembers that it’s true and there’s nothing for Lena to be ashamed about. She decides to smile encouragingly over at Lena before hopping up to find the DVD, stick it in the player, and hurry back to her spot on the sofa.

Lena chuckles as Kara fumbles around with the remote, trying to skip to the menu.

“Ready?” she asks when she finally reaches the menu screen.

Lena gives her a gentle smile so similar to the ones Kara remembers during their early friendship, and it takes all she has to think far enough ahead to be able to press play for the movie.

It’s a good movie, Kara supposes. That’s what she thought the last time she watched it, anyway. She wasn’t paying too much attention the first time she saw it at the theater, when Lena’s forearm was pressed delightfully against hers and their hands brushed as they reached for popcorn out of the same bucket. She was far too focused on the woman beside her to really judge it with any merit, which is exactly what’s happening now.

Lena seems to be interested enough. If she’s aware of Kara’s attention on her now, she doesn’t seem to mind, because she sits and watches the screen with eager eyes and steady hands seated in her lap. She’s beautiful – because when is she not? – but there’s a certain melancholy to her that Kara doesn’t think was there yesterday. Not before the accident.

Right as Steve’s plane begins to go down on screen, Lena inhales sharply and crosses her arms. Immediately, Kara begins to assess the situation.

“Are you okay?”

“What?” Lena asks, eyes still on the movie, though Kara can tell she isn’t really paying much attention to it.

“Are you feeling okay?”

It takes a moment for Lena to connect to the moment. “Oh, I’m fine. Just a little cold, is all.”

Kara is up on her feet before Lena can say another word, lunging toward the other couch and pulling a fluffy red blanket off of its seat. “Blanket?” she asks, holding it out to Lena.

Lena takes it with a kind smile and lays it over herself carefully. She adjusts herself for a few seconds to make sure she’s completely covered, before turning back to Kara and saying, “Thank you.”

Kara just nods and sits back in her seat, and she tries not to think about the fact that every other time she’s seen Lena under that blanket, Kara has been right next to her.

It seems a little as if Lena reads her mind at that moment, because she says suddenly, “Are you cold, too?”

Kara doesn’t know what to say at first. Her immediate thought is no, since she’s Kryptonian and never gets cold, but with the way Lena is looking at her with just a hint of hope in her eyes, like she desperately wants to be close to someone – close to _Kara,_ even – she can’t help but find herself saying, “A little.”

Lena smiles and gingerly pats the sofa cushion next to her, gesturing to Kara to come over.

For a split second, Kara thinks this is the most nervous she’s ever felt, because she’s almost sure that Lena can hear how loud her heartbeat is. Still, she doesn’t feel too guilty about that because she actually _can_ hear Lena’s heartbeat, and it’s got to be at least as fast as her own. That means that Lena likes her, right? Or does it mean that she’s nervous, that she doesn’t want to do this? Does Lena feel pressured? Does she really want Kara next to her?

So Kara asks, “Are you sure?”

Lena hesitates for a moment before nodding resolutely and breathing out, “I’m sure,” which Kara takes to mean that she can move over now. It’s a little awkward because Lena has to lift up the blanket for Kara to fit herself under it, and then their thighs are pressed up against each other and Kara’s arm is squeezed uncomfortably in between the two of them.

“Oh, are you – “

“Sorry, I’m – “

They both cut themselves off at the same moment, sharing a stifled laugh before Lena says, “Is your arm okay? That seems uncomfortable.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Kara assures her. “Maybe I could just…” She trails off, lifting her arm up out from under the blanket. Her two options here are to loop it around Lena’s shoulders or up over on the couch’s back, both of which would leave them dangerously close to each other. Still, is that not what one would call the position they’re in now?

“That’s okay,” says Lena, leaning her head forward, which Kara is almost sure is an invitation for Kara to wrap her arm around her. That means she can touch her, right?

Kara tests it, setting her arm down lightly on the tops of Lena’s shoulders, pausing for a moment to make sure Lena doesn’t tense up or move away, and then resting the full weight of the limb down on Lena after she stays still.

“This is okay?” Kara asks, and she’s honestly not sure if Lena could have even heard her because of how quiet it was.

Still, Lena replies, “Yeah,” in a whisper just as breathless as Kara’s, and she instantly feels better. Lena turns her attention back to the TV, and Kara has to pretend to do the same so as not to weird her out, but she’s not sure that’s even possible right now.

All she can think is _Lena,_ because oh Rao, she’s touching her right now. She can feel warmth coming from every molecule in Lena’s body, magnetic and intoxicating and thrilling in the seat beside her. Her heart is tapping out a melody in a rapid tempo and she can hear Lena’s doing the same, which only serves to make her more excited. Lena might actually like her! Maybe this morning was a misunderstanding, or something else was wrong that had nothing to do with them cuddling. Clearly, they feel at least similarly, right? This can’t be one-sided.

They sit there watching the movie for who knows how long until Kara feels Lena shift in the seat beside her, and then ever so slowly lean her head down onto Kara’s shoulder.

Kara thinks that she might drop dead right now from the excitement. And if she did? Well, this wouldn’t be a bad way to go.


	4. Lena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena heads to L Corp to find answers and Kara finally comes clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg im SO sorry this took legit almost a month to upload, but i promise i didn't forget about this fic! i swear i was thinking about it the whole time but i just had so much to work thru for this story and see what was gonna happen and what i wanted to cut out. anyway thank u for sticking with me and rest assured that this wont become another never-completed story! i will finish it (eventually) even if it Kills Me !!!

Lena wakes up in a cold bed with light streaming through the windows, and she can’t help but find herself confused that she’s all alone. Then a moment passes and that thought in itself becomes the real confusing thing, because Lena always wakes up alone. Why would she be surprised at that?

It takes her a moment to remember that just yesterday morning she had woken up wrapped in someone’s arms – someone who seems to love her _very_ much – and that maybe it isn’t so weird to miss that. (It aches deep in her chest to remember that she’d pulled away from it yesterday, and then even more knowing that she’s never going to get the opportunity again.) After a few seconds of blinking at the sunlight, other memories come rushing back to her, and she can almost feel the sharp jab of a knife in her heart.

  1. Jack is dead.
  2. Lena is married to Kara who has golden blonde hair and a comforting warmth radiating off of her at all times, like she’s the fucking _sun_ or something.
  3. Kara has spent the last day and a half loving her in the way that Lena’s always desperately hoped to be loved, but only because she has this deluded idea that the Lena that she sees now is the same person she married.
  4. Lena is _not_ whoever Kara married.



Sure, maybe they look the same. The lock-screen on Kara’s phone is a selfie of the two of them lying down on a picnic blanket and laughing too hard to properly look at the camera, presumably taken some time before Lena can remember. And, yeah, maybe the Lena in that photo looks exactly the same as the woman she saw in the mirror last night – bar the ridiculous smile – but it’s not her. Whoever Kara was talking about yesterday, whoever it is that was somehow good enough to marry human sunshine, it’s not Lena.

That, she’s sure of.

She crawls out of bed and is about to start her quest looking for suitable clothes to wear today when she hears something coming from the living room. There’s a shuffling of fabric, followed by a small whimper. Presumably it’s Kara who’s making the noise, but Lena can’t figure out _why_.

Well, she can. There are a few explanations, actually, and to be honest, she isn’t exactly sure which one she’s hoping for.

Lena carefully pads out to living room and lets out a sigh of relief when she sees a sleeping Kara lying down on the sofa, clutching a wrinkled sheet close to her chest. Another whimper escapes from her chest, and now that Lena can see Kara is fully clothed – well, in pajamas, anyway – she’s sure now that the only viable explanation is that Kara is scared right now.

Kara’s having a nightmare.

Lena finds herself frozen for a moment because she has absolutely no idea what she’s supposed to do here. Should she wake her? Clearly Kara is in distress, if either the crinkle on her forehead or the way her nose is scrunched up is any indication. Should she _not_ wake her? Lena knows that if it were her, if she were the one having a nightmare on the couch with someone who didn’t know her watching, she’d appreciate if the stranger walked away and pretended like they didn’t see anything.

Then again, Kara seems to want exactly the opposite of what Lena wants. Kara seems to _be_ exactly the opposite of what Lena is. Kara is made of bright smiles and warm steady hands and the sweetest vanilla sugar scent that Lena’s ever known. And Lena? She’s… not that.

So maybe she shouldn’t make this decision based on what she, herself, would want.

Kara lets out a soft cry and Lena is brought out of her thoughts. Kara’s eyebrows are knit together, and her knuckles are white with how tightly she’s gripping the sheet thrown haphazardly over her body, which – by the way – doesn’t seem to be covering _anything_. (Seriously, Lena can see every inch of Kara’s tanned, toned legs below where her shorts end, so what is this sheet even here for?)

Lena makes the decision to step forward towards Kara on the couch and clear her throat. “Kara?” she calls out softly, not knowing exactly how this is supposed to be done. Isn’t it dangerous to wake people too roughly? Should she touch Kara in her attempts to rouse her? What’s the appropriate protocol here?

Kara doesn’t seem to respond, just continues breathing shakily, eyes still shut. Lena steps closer, reaching out a shaky hand in preparation to settle it on Kara’s bicep when Kara inhales with a gasp, quickly jumping up into a sitting position with eyes wider than Lena’s ever seen.

Lena flinches back from the couch at the action, and then the two of them are about a meter apart, trying desperately to quiet their pulses. Lena quickly regains her composure, and she realizes that the momentary shock she felt was much less intense than whatever Kara had been experiencing, because by the time she’s calmed down, Kara is still breathing roughly with her eyes closed, face angled down and hands gripping her thighs.

Lena finds herself glancing around the room, searching for anything that could help her calm Kara down, but it turns out to be unnecessary because Kara slows her breathing within a few more seconds, even if she doesn’t loosen her grip from her thighs.

Lena surprises herself by blurting out, “Are you okay?”

She doesn’t know why she says it, because if she really wanted to be polite, she would’ve left. The polite thing to do would be to give Kara some alone time and pretend that nothing had happened when they talked later. That’s what she would want done for her, at least. It’s not manners that fuel her question, because every inch of her body is telling her to leave and save Kara’s dignity, but she can’t help but worry if Kara is alright, if she needs anything.

That’s weird, right?

Kara keeps her gaze on the ground for a second before she looks up to make eye contact with Lena, endless blue eyes holding more emotion than Lena would’ve expected over a nightmare. Still, even though her eyes are filled with _some_ sort of intense feeling, it can’t be just sadness or fear, because Kara is smiling wetly up at her. The smile is, of course, tinged with some sort of melancholy that Lena can’t place – loss, maybe? loneliness? grief? – but Kara seems to be happy with her for something, even if Lena doesn’t know what it is.

“Yeah,” Kara eventually says. “I’m alright, just a bad dream.”

Lena wants to ask what about, wants nothing more than to find out what kind of terrible dream could elicit that sort of reaction, but she doesn’t. Instead she says, “Okay,” and finally listens to her instincts by making a show of looking down at her hands to give Kara time to wipe her tears away without anyone seeing. Surprisingly, Kara doesn’t take the opportunity, because she just stands up and walks to Lena, arms open and hands reaching towards her. She stops just before she gets close enough to touch, probably to give Lena time to decide what she wants, which Lena can’t help but be grateful for.

Before Lena has to decide what she wants – which, frankly, could take years – they’re interrupted by an honest-to-God funeral march coming from somewhere in the kitchen.

“What the –?”

“Oh! Sorry!” exclaims Kara, hopping over the coffee table to sprint to the kitchen island, unplugging the phone Lena had used to look at their wedding photos earlier. “I have to take this,” she says apologetically, quirking her eyebrows up as if to ask permission to take the call.

Lena just asks, “Who’s _that_?”

“My sister, Alex. Why?” Kara takes a breath to consider her own question before continuing on. “You’ll love her, I swear! She’s a little hard to get to know, kind of scary at first, but – “

“No, I meant, why do you have your sister’s ringtone set as something you would hear in a video-game dungeon?”

“Oh,” Kara laughs so lightly that Lena’s sure she must’ve already forgotten about whatever she had been dreaming of that had her so upset. “I kept missing her calls when I was sleeping so she changed her ring to something I couldn’t ignore.” The music keeps playing and Lena thinks it might actually be getting _more_ ominous as time goes on, which Kara seems to notice too by the way she points to the phone. “Can I take this call? It might be important. I won’t be long, promise.”

Lena is quick to reassure her. “Of course. I was about to get ready, anyway.”

Kara smiles gratefully at Lena before she presses something on the screen, brings the phone up to her ear, and says cheerfully, “Hey, Alex!”

She walks away towards what Lena assumes to be the spare bathroom and, after something this Alex woman has said, retorts, “Nothing!”

Alex doesn’t seem to be convinced because Kara reiterates, “Nothing, I swear. I’m _fine_.”

Lena doesn’t mean to eavesdrop at first, but at Kara’s incessant declaration that she’s fine, Lena knows she must not be. Obviously, it’s none of her business, and if it were her, she would loathe having some stranger listening in, but if she can hear faint conversation from the bathroom where she’s getting ready, that’s not her fault, is it?

She starts straightening her hair with the flat iron by the sink, secretly glad that it doesn’t make any noise so she can hear whatever Kara is saying.

“Really, Alex,” Kara affirms, “I’m fine.”

There’s a pause where Lena is sure Alex is replying, but she can’t make out any words.

Kara eventually sighs. “No. It’s just a stupid nightmare.”

There’s another pause, and Lena has to remind herself to pay attention to what she’s doing, because she can see her hair start to smoke. She quickly releases the lock of hair from the iron and transfers to the next one.

“Yeah,” Kara says in response to something, “I mean, it kinda beats everything else, right? Why would my brain make something else up when it could stick with what’s tried and true?”

Lena assumes this means that it’s a recurring nightmare, but she’s still no closer to figuring out what it could be about.

“No, not exactly.” Kara waits for a moment and clears her throat awkwardly. “Uh, well, she’s there. In the dream, I mean. She’s there with me.”

Who is this ‘she’ that Kara’s talking about? Lena briefly considers that maybe they’re talking about _her_ – she is Kara’s wife, after all – but pushes the idea out of her mind just as quickly as it came in. Making an assumption like that will only lead to her getting her feelings hurt when it turns out that she’s not as important to Kara as she might have hoped.

Kara sighs sadly. “I don’t know,” she says. “I’m just stressed, and I guess this is… bringing up old memories?” There’s another moment of silence before she says, “No, I can’t. Lena needs me here, and I don’t think she’s up for meeting you right now. It’s fine, though, really. I’m fine.”

Even Lena can tell that Kara is lying.

Her sister must still be trying to convince her to come over, because eventually Kara says decisively, “No. I can deal with this. This is nothing compared to what Lena is going through.” There’s a sense of finality in her voice, and Lena is sure that the argument is over.

Kara takes a pause to listen to her sister before she before sighs again and says reassuringly, “I’m sure, Alex. I’m fine. I’ll tell you all about it when I can, okay? Just not now.”

Lena hears Kara murmur a ‘yeah’ at her sister, then there’s a goodbye, and then… nothing, just silence that means Kara is alone again.

That’s it, Lena decides. Whatever just occurred, Kara is obviously not okay with it. She needs something. It’s not as if Lena can give it to her, seeing as how she’s only known the blonde for two days, but this Alex character probably can. Lena quickly makes the decision that she’ll have to trick Kara into seeing her sister. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

The rest of the time she spends getting ready is also used to plan how exactly she’s going to force Kara into the comforting arms of her sister, and by the time she’s done applying the red lipstick by the sink, she’s figured it out.

She struts into the living room wearing a blazer, a fitted pink blouse, and a pencil skirt. She thinks maybe she could pass as a business professional to the untrained eye, but right now she feels like she’s a six-year-old playing dress-up. Still, the façade she puts up seems to fool Kara, because Lena sees a brief flash of hope in her features, like maybe she thinks that the wife she remembers has returned.

“Lena?” she asks curiously, and Lena can tell that Kara is trying her hardest to keep a respectable distance. “Is everything okay? Why are you in your work clothes?”

Well, here goes nothing.

“I’ve decided that I need to go see Luthor Corp for myself,” Lena says calmly. She doesn’t realize her mistake until after the sentence has left her mouth, but she’s quick to correct herself. “Erm, L Corp, I mean.”

Kara stumbles on her words for a moment. “Oh – well, uh, I mean… okay. If that’s what you want. Let me just get my shoes on and I’ll tell Jess to expect us there in fifteen minutes, okay?”

Kara moves to walk away, but Lena inhales sharply to object.

“No. Sorry, it’s just that I meant that I wanted to go alone.”

Kara stops in her tracks, hand still comically stretched out towards the counter where her car keys lie.

“Are you sure?” she asks, twisting her body back into a normal position, and there’s nothing but gentle concern in her voice. It makes something in Lena’s stomach flutter, only she can’t figure out whether the feeling it gives her is bad or good.

“Of course. I was thinking you could get some time to yourself, or maybe with your friends. I’m sure you’d rather be doing… well, anything else instead of being stuck here babysitting me.”

Lena doesn’t mean the words to sting, but she can tell by the way Kara’s face falls that they do.

“No,” she assures, stepping towards Lena with her hand out, “there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be.”

Lena can’t help but stiffen at the words, which Kara seems to pick up on because she stops advancing towards her. Eventually Lena recovers from the statement and clears her throat. “Right. Well, I appreciate that, Kara. I’d still like to see the company, and I think you should get out, too.”

Kara nods, but there’s a look in her eye that Lena can’t quite decipher. “Of course. I could drive you, if you want? I promise I won’t hang out in the L Corp parking lot afterwards. I’ll go see my sister or something, or maybe I could stop by CatCo – because I work there! I know you don’t like reporters, but I probably need to check in with my boss and I’m not that kind of – “

“Kara,” Lena interjects softly, wondering if this is the kind of thing she has to do often.

Kara takes a shuddering breath in. “Yes?”

“Breathe, please.”

She lets out a breathy laugh before saying, “Yeah, of course.”

Lena clears her throat again. “If your offer still stands, I’d appreciate a ride to L Corp. It’s not as if I know how to get there myself, after all.” She says the last part as a joke, but for a moment she lets fear overtake her that maybe Kara will mistake her humor for sincerity like so many others often do. Many people have told her that it’s difficult to tell whether she’s kidding or not, so it wouldn’t be surprising if Kara can’t either.

Only, apparently, she can. Kara can obviously tell that Lena’s joking, because her face instantly breaks into a beaming smile, a light laugh spilling out of her as if she just truly can’t control it.

She ducks her head down, wide grin still on her face, and when she looks back up, Lena is fairly sure she can see _exactly_ what it is about this woman that her future-self fell for.

Obviously, Kara is beautiful. There’s been no denying that, not even in the first moments that Lena met her. Still, the gentle trusting look that the blonde is giving her is more breathtaking than any beauty Lena’s ever seen. It’s that expression in her blue eyes that convinces Lena that maybe she really was loved by this woman, once upon a time. And if Kara had looked at her like _that_ with any frequency, then knows that she must have grown to love Kara back.

~

The ride to L Corp is surprisingly enjoyable, even if Lena would never admit that aloud. Kara babbles along for most of it, telling short anecdotes about every street corner and coffee shop along the way. The rambling doesn’t seem panicked or frenzied like it had before in the apartment, so Lena just follows along, no longer worried for Kara’s stress levels. She hums in approval as Kara tells her where to get the best spaghetti and meatballs (Guidetti’s), the best iced latte (Noonan’s), and the best frozen yogurt (the jury is still out on that one, but Kara would argue that it’s Mr. Yo’s).

Kara almost seems disappointed when they pull up to what Lena assumes must be the L Corp building, based on the large lettering on the side. For a moment, Lena lets herself indulge in the thought that Kara might enjoy spending time with her, too, before she shoves that away and forces a professional mask on her features.

“Thank you for the ride, Kara,” she says after she steps out of the car, holding on to the door handle only because she feels a little unsteady on the sidewalk with her three-inch heels, _not_ because she wants to prolong the time they have until Kara drives away.

Kara smiles warmly back at her. “You’re welcome, Lena. You’ll text me when you want me to pick you up?”

“Absolutely.”

Of course, Lena has absolutely no plan to do any such thing, but what Kara doesn’t know won’t kill her. Truthfully, Lena plans to wait to ask for a ride home until she’s sure that Kara feels well enough to leave her sister, which will only be when she gets a text from the blonde implying in any way that she wants to go home. To pass the time until then, Lena will sit in her office and Google herself to find out exactly what’s gone on in the past six years without having to hear it from Kara, who is far too worried about Lena’s emotional state to be a reliable narrator.

Well, that and the fact that Lena feels like she’d rather pull her toenails out than cry in front of anyone, especially Kara. With last night as reference, she thinks she’ll probably want to cry when she hears more about her past.

Kara hesitates for a moment. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? I don’t have to stay with you the whole time if you don’t want that. I can hang out in the lobby, or maybe the breakroom or –“

“It’s fine, Kara. I’m fine. Go enjoy your time off, okay?”

Kara worries at her lower lip for a moment before she eventually nods. “Alright. Seriously though, say the word and I’ll come back right away, okay?”

“Goodbye, Kara.”

“Okay, okay, I’m leaving!” She puts her hands up in mock surrender as Lena pushes the door shut, and as she drives away, Lena is almost sure she can see Kara shaking her ponytailed head at something.

If Lena’s being honest, standing in front of a company’s headquarters that she can’t remember visiting – let alone _running_ – feels a bit like standing front of the big scary school building on your first day of kindergarten. This is, of course, just a means to say that she’s terrified. She takes a deep breath, tightens her grip on the purse on her shoulder, and walks inside.

She doesn’t know exactly what she was expecting to find, but it’s certainly not this. The doorman who opens the door for her – whose pristine nametag reads Manny – greets her with much more than the polite smile and wave she’s gotten from every other doorman in her life.

“Ms. Luthor!” he exclaims, and the practiced familiarity in his actions tells her that they’ve done this before. “I’m so glad to see you’re alright. We were all worried.”

“Oh,” Lena stammers, uncharacteristically, if you asked her. Then again, pretty much everything about the past two days has been uncharacteristic if you asked her. “Well, thank you. I appreciate that.”

Manny’s smile dims a little, eyebrow raised. “Are you actually alright, Ms. Luthor?”

Before Lena has a chance to answer, a petite woman is striding towards her. Lena thinks maybe now she understands the meaning of ‘resting bitch face,’ because this woman looks ready to eviscerate anyone who stands in her way.

“Ms. Luthor,” she calls, power walking until she reaches the entryway. “Manny, I’m so sorry, but I need to borrow Ms. Luthor for a moment. It’s imperative that she looks at this right now.” She looks over at Lena with a face that says, ‘go along with it,’ and Lena can’t help but do so, nodding solemnly at the doorman.

Thankfully, Manny doesn’t seem offended at all, because he just smiles again and says, “Of course. Another time, Ms. Luthor.”

Lena doesn’t really know what to say, so she just nods kindly at him again and follows the small woman as she leads the way to the elevators. They stand in front of the elevators for a few seconds after she presses the button before the doors to one of the carriages open for them, and the woman audibly sighs after they’ve stepped in and the doors have closed.

“Sorry,” the woman begins, “I didn’t know if you wanted anyone to know about your memory thing.” She speaks with an air of familiarity that Lena has not known many employees to show with the CEO of the company they work for. Lena figures her future-self is either a very good boss, or a very bad one, but she doesn’t have the slightest clue as to which it is.

Lena nods again. “Right, of course.” She stands there stiffly for a few seconds before the woman squints at her and reaches out to the elevator box, pressing the button that leads to the top floor.

The woman speaks first. “So it’s true, then, what Ms. Danvers said? You don’t remember anything?”

“No,” Lena replies curtly. “I don’t.”

The woman thinks on it for a moment before saying, “Hm. Alright. Do you remember me?”

“No.”

“Well, I’m Jess Huang. I’ve been your personal assistant since you took up the position in 2016.”

Lena finds herself nodding for what must be the hundredth time today. “Okay. That’s nice. 2016 was a long time ago. I appreciate that you’ve spent this long with me.”

Jess hums a confirmation. There’s a moment of silence where Jess seems to anticipate that Lena is going to ask her why she’s stayed so long, because then she says, “Let’s just say I’ve grown attached. To the position, I mean. Obviously.” She grins a little before she says, “And I guess the pay is nice, too.”

“Okay.” Lena stands there for a moment. “Well, thank you, Jess.”

Jess just chuckles. “You’re welcome, Ms. Luthor.”

The elevator dings to let them know they’ve arrived on their floor, and the carriage doors open. Jess steps out first, looking behind her as if to check that Lena is following her, before leading her towards the room at the end of the hall.

Lena had been in the CEO’s office a handful of times when her father ran Luthor Corp, and more often than is probably healthy when Lex ran it, but damn if she isn’t a little impressed with how much nicer her office seems to be than theirs. It’s nicely decorated, sure, but what really stands out is that there’s an entire wall made of windows that lets her look out on the whole city.

Jess doesn’t say anything at first, allowing Lena to marvel at the set-up for a few moments before she chides herself for getting distracted and brings her focus back to the job.

“Right. Jess, what do I have to do today?”

“You?” asks Jess, eyebrows raised as if she finds the situation almost funny. “Absolutely nothing.”

Lena lets out a surprised chuckle that sounds suspiciously similar to a scoff. “Excuse me?”

Jess sighs and busies herself at the desk, straightening papers. “Sorry, Ms. Luthor, but there is simply not enough money in the world for me let you back to work so soon and face your wife’s wrath when she finds out. Plus, last time something like this happened –“

“Last time?!”

“Yes, last time something like this happened,” she repeats slowly, “you wrote up that Ms. Arias would take the position of acting CEO until you were well enough to return. Obviously, you would be consulted in the case of any major changes, if possible, so you don’t have to worry about anyone taking over for you permanently or ruining your legacy. Don’t worry,” she jokes, “you’ve left yourself in good hands.”

Lena huffs to herself, desperately wishing that she had enough knowledge of the situation to craft a witty retort. The gentle teasing, this one-sided banter that Jess seems to excel at is so foreign to her. Well, everything feels foreign to her. She knows nothing about any of this.

The only name that’s sounded even remotely familiar in the past day is Arias – probably in reference to Sam Arias, former VP of a company Lex had bought out and Lena’s own tentative acquaintance – but she assumes that things have changed since what she can remember. Lena can’t imagine herself putting Sam in charge of her company, if only because she doesn’t know much about her. Still, she assumes that they’d probably grown closer over the years, if this Sam is trusted enough to run L Corp.

Jess seems to sense her distress, because her expression shifts into something softer, and Lena thinks she might even see genuine concern in her assistant’s eyes.

“Ms. Luthor,” Jess begins, “do you need anything?” The way she says it lets Lena know that Jess doesn’t mean to ask whether she wants some coffee or maybe an aspirin, but instead if she needs anything _emotionally_.

How the hell did that happen? How was it possible that she not only had a loving wife and (presumably) caring friends, but also employees who actually gave half a shit about her? There was no possible explanation for how her life had ended up as something so… idyllic.

“No,” Lena decides eventually. “No, Jess, I’m fine, thank you. I just wanted to learn a bit about… the company, and such.”

Jess seems to take this as an admission that Lena needs time to herself – which is absolutely correct – and just nods and begins to exit the office. She doesn’t say anything when she leaves, not even a quick ‘I’m here if you need anything,’ which tells Lena that this Jess really _does_ know her well. She knows it’s been no more than five minutes since Jess told her in no uncertain terms that she is very well-compensated for her work as an assistant, but Lena makes a mental note to give her a raise, anyway.

She sits in her office chair for a few more minutes than she’d like to admit, just considering exactly how to go about the sort of research she plans to do. It’s not as if she can just look up a succinct summary of her life in the past few years, can she?

Oh, wait, she can. She guesses there are some perks to living her life as a public figure, after all.

Wikipedia is a good overview, if Lena does say so herself. She learns that Lex had turned the sun red, somehow, in order to drain Superman of his powers, and set off multiple bombs around the city as distraction. He killed fourteen people, just as Kara had said, and she lets herself sit in her grief over the fourteen lives he took, along with the countless others that he had changed forever, for three whole minutes before she stuffs the pain deep inside a box in a corner of her mind that she actively ignores at all times.

The next two hours go similarly. She reads, finds herself destroyed by pain for a few minutes, and then moves on to the next thing. She learns that she was a key witness in Lex’s trail, that her testimony against him had helped earn him thirty-two life sentences, and that – even then – she still hadn’t been redeemed in the eyes of the public. She learns that her mother attempted to carry out the genocide of all aliens on Earth, and that Lena turned her mother in herself. She learns that she was arrested, kidnapped, and rescued over a false video that showed her accessing illegal kryptonite, that Jack died under mysterious but noble circumstances, and that she was kidnapped (again) by an honest-to-God alien ship not too much later.

Right, there was also an entire alien invasion that she’d missed.

Still, not all of it is bad news. She learns that she crafted the device that eventually saved earth from the Daxamite invasion, that she bought Catco Worldwide Media, and that while she was wrongly accused of accidentally poisoning children, it turned out to be a frame job by Morgan Edge that gained her a lot of support, in the end.

What’s the most surprising, really, is the fact that almost every other article about her has to do with Supergirl or alien rights. Apparently, she had created an image-inducer that let aliens hide their true form in hopes of escaping discrimination and persecution, helped the police capture her mother after an escape from prison, and then somehow became best buddies with Supergirl. Yes, the same Supergirl whose cousin is the man that her brother had _repeatedly_ tried to kill.

She wasn’t expecting any of that.

That’s not to say that she has anything against aliens, because she doesn’t, but she never saw herself as brave enough take such an active stand on the opposite side of an issue that her family held so religiously. She mostly ignored her mother and brother’s conversations on aliens, dismissing it as the same close-minded attitude that her family held about gay people, but she never expected to go against them in such a public way. Apparently, she did that, too, though, because she seems to be _very_ married to a woman right now.

Yes, a woman. She’s married to a woman because she’s gay.

That’s the last truly shocking part of her life that she reads about. It isn’t completely unexpected, because she thinks she’s always known deep down that she could never really love a man, but she is surprised that it came about so easily. She’s surprised that she let herself fall in love so easily, the kind of love that others her in such an important way. She had gotten married to a woman, knowing full well that she would not be accepted by all, knowing full well that this would _definitely_ be the last straw at reconciliation with any of her family members.

More surprisingly, there was no huge backlash or discussion about it, really. The only thing she reads in her Wikipedia page is a single sentence detailing that she and Catco reporter Kara Danvers were caught kissing by paparazzi in 2017, and that they announced their marriage in November of 2020, shortly after a private wedding in a small town in northern California.

Lena needs a drink.

She thinks she knows herself fairly well, so she’s sure that future-Lena still finds comfort in a bottle sometimes, that there must be some sort of alcohol in this room.

She doesn’t need to look hard, just towards the pitcher of water by her desk, and she finds a bottle of scotch hiding behind on it on the shelf. She walks towards it, thankful to whatever gods there are that she doesn’t have to get through this day sober. Not five seconds after she moves to uncap the bottle, Jess barges in the room.

“Ms. Luthor!” she calls, slightly out of breath, a gentle hand rising up to quiet the wisps of hair at her temple. “Ms. Luthor.”

There’s a beat where Lena waits for her assistant to continue, but she doesn’t, so Lena asks, “Yes?”

“Oh. Yes. Well, I thought,” she says, eyes discretely scanning the room, “that you might like to see your lab.”

Lena thinks on it for a moment. Her brain feels a little scrambled from all the information she’s just taken in, and she doesn’t really know if she’s up for learning even more about her new life. She’s about to decline when Jess interrupts.

“It’ll be great. You had just finished the final touches on your transmat portal, so maybe you’d like to –”

“Transmat portal?” Lena interjects, scotch all but forgotten, and Jess smiles.

“I could show you, if you’d like?”

That’s how Lena finds herself alone in an isolated lab that looks to be at least twice the size of her office, which she had found to be spacious on its own. Inventions and awards and notes litter the tables around her, and Lena is almost positive that this is in violation of some sort of code, considering that there’s only one functional fume-hood. The rest of them are filled with papers, wires, and hunks of metal that she guesses are supposed to come together, somehow.

Thoughts are buzzing around in Lena’s brain like bumblebees, and while Lena knows that bees are crucial to life on earth, that doesn’t make her want to spend any time with them. She feels similarly about the thoughts in her brain right now, buzzing and bumping around in her skull. The only thought that’s coherent enough for her to understand is this: _This can’t be real._

It doesn’t make sense, does it? This isn’t real. It can’t be. There’s no world where Lena Luthor marries the woman of her dreams, runs a company that seems to stand for hope and equality, and invents life-saving formulas and products with incredible frequency. She looks around the room to find the transmat portal Jess told her about, but also a serum that increases efficacy of photosynthesis and a prosthetic that seems to mold itself perfectly to its user.

Did she really invent all that? Sure, she’d dreamed of it – she remembers filling journals upon journals with information on the photosynthesis serum she’d been working on with Jack – but there’s no way she actually figured out a way to make it a reality. A reality that actually works.

Even if she had finally cracked that one, how could she have done _this many_ great things? This couldn’t possibly be one person’s doing, couldn’t possibly even be managed by one single person.

Had she really become the hero she grew up yearning to be?

No. She couldn’t have. If there’s one thing she learned from her mother, it’s this: if something seems too good to be true, it is. There is _always_ a catch.

Lena studies the awards, reads through countless notes and updates, and tinkers with bits of scrap metal for what feels like hours. She has no idea how long she spends in the lab trying to wrap her mind around all of this fantasy coming true, but eventually she finds herself treading out of the lab, too distracted to do much more than smile hollowly at the man in a labcoat who shares the elevator carriage with her.

It’s nearly dusk when she finally reaches her office, after ignoring the calls of her concerned secretary at the front desk. She waves to Jess that she’s fine, shuts the door to her office, and pretty much collapses at her couch. She wants to get up to pour herself some scotch, but even that seems too daunting at the moment, so she sits and stares out the window instead.

She doesn’t know how long she sits there before she hears the door open and a worried Kara stride over.

“Lena?”

Before Lena can think enough to do anything, there’s a warm weight beside her and the scent of sugar cookies diffusing through the air. Kara is there, concerned eyes boring holes into Lena’s skin.

“What are you doing here?” Lena asks, and she means it to sound like she doesn’t really care, but even she can hear the emotion laced in her voice.

“Jess called me. She said you might need someone.”

Jess. Jess called, because of course she did. Jess seems to know exactly what to do. She seems to be perfect. Lena hears the words ‘too good to be true’ echo through her thoughts again.

“Lena,” Kara repeats, “do you want to go home?”

Lena finds that all she can really do is nod, so she does.

She’s grateful that Kara doesn’t ask if she’s okay, because she doesn’t know how to answer that. She does, however, know how to gather her shoes and walk out to the car with her head held high, smiling stiffly at the people who wave to her while Kara waves and promises to speak to them later. Clearly, these people regularly greet them, and clearly, she and Kara regularly return their kindness with small talk.

How strange.

The drive is quiet, and Lena stares out the window to avoid the worried glances that Kara is giving her, if only for a few minutes. She knows she’ll have to talk when they get back to the apartment unless she wants Kara to have a stroke or something, but she doesn’t want to right now. Truthfully, she doesn’t know if she could say anything right now, at least not anything that makes sense.

When they finally make it upstairs to the apartment, Kara leads Lena to the yellow couch in front of the TV and sits down next to her.

“Lena. Are you okay?”

 _Here goes nothing_ , Lena thinks.

“Yes.”

Kara seems to falter at that. “Sorry?”

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” It’s not really a lie, because she didn’t, but what comes out of her mouth next definitely is. “I got a little overwhelmed today learning all these new things about my life, but I’m fine now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Lena begins to nod, purposefully avoiding Kara’s eyes, but trying to do so in a way that isn’t obvious. “It feels strange to have all these people who care about me.” _Well, at least that’s true._ “Everything is very new, and I needed some time to adjust to it all. It’s… well, it’s unbelievable.”

Kara ducks her head down to force Lena into eye contact, and all Lena can see in her eyes is love. Kara must really love her. “It’s not though. It’s real. You know that, right? You believe it?”

“Of course.”

_Liar._

“And – and you’re actually good? You’re really okay?” Kara asks, clearly still suspicious.

“Yes.” Lena gazes up into Kara’s eyes and forces a small smile. When Kara grins back at her, the fake smile turns into something new, something real.

“Good!” Kara decides, jumping up from the couch with a nervous energy that Lena hadn’t noticed before.

“Are _you_ good?” she counters.

“Me? Yes! Yes, of course. I just…” Kara swallows roughly. “I have something I need to tell you.”

“What is it? Is everything okay?” Lena’s mind has already started taunting her. _She doesn’t really love you,_ it says. _She’s here to say that this has all been a prank. She cheated on you, or she’s using you, or she hates –_

“I’m Supergirl.”

_Wait. What?_

“Sorry, what?”

Kara looks a little bit like she might cry. “I’m Supergirl. And I’m so so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier!”

“Oh,” is all Lena can think to say. Her mind seems to have shut up for once.

“Oh?” Kara asks, the fingers on her right hand picking at a loose thread on her cardigan. “Does that mean you need proof? Or that you’re angry or upset or –”

“That makes sense.”

There’s a silence while Kara waits for Lena to explain, so she continues.

“They told me you were in the car with me when we had the accident, but there’s nothing wrong with you. Not even a bruise where your seatbelt held you back. You’re not hurt. So _that’s_ why?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“I’m _so_ sorry, Lena, I really am,” she blurts out. “I should’ve told you yesterday, but I got so caught up in worrying about you and trying to make everything easier for you that I didn’t. I know I shouldn’t have lied, because that’s never the right course of action, but I was so scared, Lena. I was so scared. Last time I told you, you were…” Kara inhales a shuddering breath. “You were so mad. I didn’t know if you’d ever forgive me. And I was just so scared you’d be that mad again.”

There’s silence for a few seconds until Lena breathes out, “I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

“No.”

Kara furrows her eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Lena counters, voice rising slightly. “What do you mean ‘am I sure?’”

“Well, I-I know it’s not the same as last time, but you were _so_ mad, then. So I thought…Why aren’t you at all mad now?”

“Because I’m not the same as last time. I’m not that Lena. We’re different.”

Something seems to click in Kara’s mind, because the lines on her face seem to disappear. “Oh, right. It hasn’t… not yet.”

“What hasn’t?” Lena asks. “What do you mean by ‘not yet?’”

“Nothing!” Kara is quick to assure her. “You went through some things that I guess you don’t remember now.”

 _Oh, God._ “What kind of things?”

Kara seems to remember something then, because she begins to search through the purse she brought from the car, stopping when she finds a few sheets of paper stapled together.

“Um, there have been a lot of things that have happened to you in the past six years. It’s not all bad, but, um, it’s also not all good.”

Lena crosses her arms, bracing for impact. “Okay.”

“If I know you, you probably spent the last few hours looking yourself up, right? Finding out what it is you’ve missed?”

“Among other things,” Lena replies noncommittally.

“Of course. Well, there are some things you can’t Google. And I know you don’t like to show strangers what you’re feeling. I’m a stranger, now,” Kara says, her voice cracking at the last two words before she clears her throat and continues. “If I’m a stranger, I think maybe you won’t want to hear anything emotional from me, because you won’t want me to know you’re feeling things.”

“Well, that’s awfully presumptuous of you, Ms. Danvers. You do know what they say about assuming, right?”

Kara sighs. “Okay, I guess I deserved that. I just meant that it might be easier for you to find everything out in private. You know, so you can be alone when you hear it.”

Lena doesn’t acknowledge that Kara is _absolutely_ correct in her assumption – in all her assumptions, actually – if only because she doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction of being right.

“So I wrote down everything you would need to know. There’s basic knowledge of the past few years in here that you can look up for more detail, but the things that you’d need to hear directly from me are all in there in their entirety.”

Lena keeps her face stoic, expression devoid of all emotion, and Kara starts to ramble.

“It’s in categories – alphabetical order, actually – because I know you’re big on proper organization, and if I went chronologically, then you might not be able to find specifically what you’re looking for, and maybe you don’t want to read it all at once or maybe you only want to know a couple things at a time, and – I don’t know – I just wanted you to have it in case you didn’t want to talk to me.

“Not that I don’t want you to talk to me! It’s not that, because I really do want you to feel comfortable with me, but I… well, I just want you to feel better. In whatever way you can.”

She finishes with a small smile, hopeful in a way that Lena hasn’t seen in anyone else anytime recently. It’s almost enough to make her want to reach out for Kara and give her a hug.

Not quite enough, but almost.

Lena is about to open her mouth to thank the blonde when Kara begins to speak again.

“And, I’m sorry, there’s one more thing.”

Lena feels her breath catch, because Kara is looking at her with such fear in her eyes that she knows it can only be terrible news.

“What is it?”

“It’s… It’s about Jack.” She gulps. “I left some parts out when I told you about him. That, and there was one lie.”

Lena can hear her heart hammering against her ribcage, and she wonders briefly if Kara can, too. She probably can, can’t she? Supergirl can hear everything.

“Oh?” she asks, speaking as coolly as she possibly can, like she doesn’t really care (even though she does).

“I lied when I told you that I didn’t know what your last words to him were.”

Lena kind of wants to tell Kara to shut up, to leave her be, but she has to know now. Kara seems to pick up on that, because she continues.

“We were there, when it happened. When he died. We were both there. And, uh, the person that was going to be killed if the nanobots weren’t shut off? Well, that was me. I mean, Supergirl. He… he told you to do it, to shut them off. He told you to make the decision to save me.” She pauses, eyes thick with emotion.

“And then?”

“Then you said…” Kara takes a breath to steady herself. “Then you said, ‘I’m sorry, Jack,’ and you did it. You saved me.”

Lena feels herself spin around on her heels more than wills it, but she’s grateful that she did because now her back is to Kara so the blonde can’t see her face. “I need you to go.”

“Are you okay?”

“You need to go,” Lena restates, because she can feel the tears in her eyes threatening to spill.

“No, I – what if you need something?”

Lena’s breaths are coming out unevenly. She needs her to leave, _now_. “Even Supergirl has a phone,” she rushes, her words frantic. “I’ll call you. Go.”

“Lena – ”

“Please!” begs Lena, and her voice breaks as she raises it. “Please, Kara, just go!”

There’s shuffling for a few moments before Lena hears the door shut, and she can’t stop a sob from escaping her lips as soon as it does, even though she knows Kara can definitely hear her.

_So much for 'too good to be true,' right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof sorry about all the 'lena finding out terrible things' angst, but it had to happen so that we could move on to New and Improved angst. next chapter is also gonna be pretty angsty but it's not about lena. BUT then the chapter after that (chapter 6) makes up for it all and you'll be happy with it (i hope)
> 
> ALSO - do u guys want outside plot that isn't specifically to do with the car accident but def gives more lena/kara interaction + angst + fluff? i have it planned out but if yall don't want it i have a plan for that too and we'll still have a good story. basically do u guys want a villain as a side-plot in the story or no


	5. Kara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara tries to deal with her feelings about the situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have been thinking about this fic NONSTOP this past week but i haven't had much time to write so i've just been working on it at night. anyway i was going to go to bed like three hours ago but then i was like 'come on, it's almost finished' so i pushed to finish it and then i was like 'i cant have it finished and NOT post it' so i edited it and now it's 3am so 😐
> 
> i'm not sure how i feel about the chapter yet but it might just be bc it's really late so im gonna go to bed and see what's up in the morning!!! have fun reading !

Kara doesn’t think there’s a worse feeling than what’s tearing at her heart right now, the broken sob that tore through Lena’s lungs just a few minutes ago echoing in her mind. Kryptonite has nothing on seeing Lena in pain.

She knows that Lena wants to be alone, knows that she needs to respect her wishes, but right now she would do anything to get back to her wife and be with her. The only way Kara can think to stop herself from barging back into the apartment to comfort Lena is to leave, so she runs up to the roof and leaps off, flying aimlessly. She doesn’t know how exactly she ends up outside Alex and Maggie’s place, looking in sadly through the window, but she’s glad she does. Fishing her cellphone out of the pocket that Brainy and Winn engineered into the suit, she presses the second number on her speed-dial, Alex. It takes her two rings to pick up, and Kara sees her sister and Maggie enter the apartment through the front door just as she answers.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Alex asks. She busies herself with settling in for the night, unstrapping her holster and kicking off her shoes and leather jacket. Maggie does the same behind her, taking both of their guns and heading towards their safe to lock them up for the night.

All Kara can force out is, “Can I come over?”

Alex has always been able to tell when Kara is down, and she can definitely tell now because the next words out of her mouth are tinged with what sounds a little like pity. “Oh, sweetie, of course.”

Kara takes that as her cue to knock softly on the window and Alex and Maggie’s eyes both find hers instantly.

Alex rushes over to the window and undoes the latch, welcoming Kara into the apartment and her open arms. Kara sinks into her sister’s embrace immediately, finding comfort in a steady heartbeat and a gentle hand rubbing circles on her back.

After a few seconds have passed, Alex pulls back from the hug and grabs Kara’s hand, gently tugging her over to the couch. Kara lets herself be led over to the living room, plopping down onto a cushion, and Maggie leans over to kiss her wife on the cheek, phone in hand, before walking into the bedroom and asking through the microphone, “Hey, Mr. Chen. How fast can you have our usual ready for to pick up?”

“Hit me,” Alex begins as she sits down next to Kara, drawing attention back to the situation at hand. “How’d it go? What happened?”

“I told her.”

“And…?”

“And it didn’t go well.”

“Oh… Well, how well is ‘not well?’”

Kara kind of wants to tell her, kind of wants to cry her heart out, but it feels like something is physically stopping her, so she just shakes her head. “I’ve never seen her so upset.”

“Shit.” Alex takes a moment to assess before she begins to speak again, trying (uncharacteristically) to look on the bright side. “Hey, but think about it. You said that exact same thing when you told her you were Supergirl the first time. You know, before you guys started dating, pre-memory loss. I remember you said specifically, ‘I’ve never seen her so upset,’ but all it took for her to forgive you then was two weeks of secretly delivering meals to L Corp for her with long-winded apologies hidden inside the bag. I mean, you could just do that again, right?”

Kara just sighs. “Firstly,” she corrects, “I did that because I know she forgets to eat when she’s upset. I didn’t just do it because I needed her to forgive me.”

“You’re saying you wrote three-page letters every day filled with ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘I never wanted to hurt you’s – basically declaring your undying quote unquote ‘ _platonic’_ love – just because you wanted her to eat regular meals? You’re saying all that had nothing to do with you wanting her forgiveness?”

“Well, I – I didn’t say _nothing_. It might have had a small impact on my motives.”

“Uh huh,” says Alex, but Kara doesn’t think she’s even _pretending_ to believe her.

“Plus, she said the deciding factor was when that guy on the news started making up some story about how she’d orchestrated the Daxamite invasion for good publicity, so I flew onto the set to give a rebuttal speech talking about how good she was. That was when she reached out to talk to me.”

“Okay, okay, we can work with that. How hard would it be to get someone to shit-talk Lena on camera? All we have to do is get you to defend her on air and –”

“No, Alex, we’re not doing that! That’s mean. And besides… she wasn’t even angry.”

Maggie takes that opportunity to plop down on the couch next to her wife, a single eyebrow raised in question.

“What’d you say?” Maggie asks, trying to confirm what she thought she’d heard.

“She’s not mad,” Kara repeats.

Alex furrows her eyebrows. “Then what is she?”

“Just… Sad. I mean, I think so. She seemed fine when I told her about Supergirl, she said it made sense, so that was okay. Then I told her about Jack, and she got really worked up and begged me to leave, and when I left, I heard her crying, which means she’s probably sad. Like, really sad.”

Alex shrugs and opens her mouth to speak, but Maggie places her hand on her wife’s shoulder and shakes her head.

“She just found out that the only person she thinks ever loved her is dead and she’s the one who killed him. Even though was the right thing to do, even though Jack himself told her to do it, it’s still gonna fuck her up a little.”

Kara buries her face in her hands at the words, and Alex takes that as a sign to lean over and rub her back. “I don’t know what to do,” Kara groans. “What am I supposed to do?”

Alex looks over at her wife, obviously hopeful that Maggie will have more words of wisdom.

“You’re asking me what you should do about your amnesiac wife who just found out she killed her ex-boyfriend to save your life?”

Kara recognizes the absurdity of what she’s asked, now, and all she can think to say as she raises her head is, “I hate this.”

Alex nods knowingly, and Maggie reaches out to place her palm on Kara’s knee as a show of support.

“What can we do?” asks Alex.

“Nothing, I just…” She stops and cocks her head. Is she hearing what she thinks she is? “How is Jason already riding the elevator up here with our Chinese food? I mean, I know you guys are only five minutes out from Mr. Chen’s, but didn’t they have to cook the food first?”

Alex jumps up to get her wallet, searching for a tip, and Maggie shakes her head at Kara. “Not today. They’ve had our usual order ready to go every night since the accident, just in case we called. They figured you might need some comfort.”

There’s a knock at the door just as Kara is about to speak, and Alex answers it to reveal a scrawny high schooler carrying two large bags of Chinese food. Maggie and Alex both take one to go settle down in the kitchen, and Kara takes this as her cue to sign the receipt and give the boy his tip.

As she hands over a twenty-dollar bill, Jason clears his throat and begins to speak.

“Uh, my dad wanted me to tell you that he was sorry to hear about your wife. You guys are, like, his favorite customers.” He looks around the apartment awkwardly as if to search for Lena before a panicked expression paints itself on his face and he quickly asks, “Uh, i-is she –”

“She’s fine,” Kara says, quick to reassure him, and she can see his shoulders sag noticeably as he sighs in relief. “She’s just… resting right now.”

“Oh,” Jason replies, but Kara can’t tell if he really believes her. For all he knows, Lena could be dead or in surgery or in a coma right now. All the article had said about her is that she was in a car accident, but everyone knows L Corp’s CEO hasn’t returned to work, yet.

“Uh, well, enjoy your food, I guess.”

“Thanks.”

Kara feels like she might cry in front of this poor delivery boy, so she gives him a smile and closes the door, deflating instantly as soon as she’s out of sight. Alex looks over at her hopefully and gestures to the large selection of food on the counter as if to say, ‘does this help?’

Kara thinks it probably would, if they were under normal circumstances and she was upset about something as menial as Snapper Carr or a rogue alien trying to kill her. She’s not, though, so food can’t fix it. That’s not to say she doesn’t head over to scoop a downright unreasonable amount of lo mein and chicken with broccoli on to her plate, because she does, but it’s not as satisfying as it would usually be.

They eat in silence for a few minutes, mostly because Kara is inhaling her plate(s) and she doesn’t think either Alex or Maggie know what to say to her. Alex clears her throat every thirty seconds, probably in an attempt to make her sister feel awkward enough to spill her guts, but Kara refuses to be swayed. Eventually Alex must realize she has to employ a different tactic, because she opens her mouth to speak.

“Kara, you need to tell us why you’re upset.”

Kara stops chewing, half a potsticker sitting in her mouth completely intact. She finds herself swallowing the mouthful whole in her confusion, coughing violently as she tries to force the half-eaten dumpling down her esophagus.

“What?” she asks after the coughs subside. “You know why I’m upset.”

“Yeah, but you’re not talking about it. I know you, and I know you need to talk about something to feel better. You can’t just say you’re upset and hope it’ll fix everything; you have to do something about it.”

Maggie nods encouragingly, turning over to look at Kara with such piercing brown eyes that it makes the Kryptonian feel like her sister-in-law might have X-ray vision, too.

“I… Lena’s upset.” Kara takes a deep breath. “She’s _so_ upset.” The sound of Lena crying echoes through her brain again, and she shakes her head trying to rid herself of the noise. She knows that Alex is right, that she’ll feel better once she talks about it, but it feels like there’s cotton stuffed down her throat. All she can think is, _Lena’s in pain and I can’t do anything about it._

“Yeah? Tell us some more.”

The voice in Kara’s head speaks clearly, ( _Lena’s going through this by herself and it kills me that she won’t let me be there for her_ ) but the words won’t come out of her mouth. She shuts her eyes and tries to focus on her breathing.

“Are you okay?”

 _No_ , she wants to say. _Lena’s all alone. She’s all alone and I’m all alone and I miss her so much._

“Kara? Please answer, you’re scaring me.”

_I miss her so much. I miss her so much. Rao, Lena, I miss you so much._

“Okay, you don’t have to talk about it! Just say something.”

_Lena lost everything and I’m losing her and somehow this feels exactly like it did when I lost Krypton._

That thought that flits through her mind is what finally breaks her out of her trance, and she stands up so quickly that a few napkins go flying off the table.

“I have to go.”

Maggie stands up first, her reflexes just a fraction sharper than her wife’s in this moment, but Alex is quick behind her, reaching over and resting a warm hand on Kara’s forearm to stop her.

“No,” she argues, “you’re not thinking straight. You’re not okay. Stay the night, okay? You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Kara just shakes her head, and it feels like she’s suddenly filled with frantic energy, like every movement she makes is too slow. “I have to go,” she repeats, quickly making her way back over to the window she came in through.

“Kara, come on,” Alex pleads, but by the time she’s finished her sentence, the window is already open and Kara is stepping out.

“I’ll see you later,” Kara assures her, keeping her front angled towards the night sky instead of the apartment so no one can see the pain on her face. She leaps out the window and speeds away a little faster than she probably should, ignoring the way Maggie and Alex call out for her. She knows she should feel guilty for worrying them, but right now she can’t focus on anything else besides the rhythmic pumping of her heart and the mess of thoughts running through her mind.

She doesn’t know where she’s going, not really, just that she needs to get there, and fast. Everything feels like it’s going so slowly, like the world is frozen and she’s traveling at a snail’s pace, so she just speeds up and up and up until she feels a sonic boom and realizes that she’s broken the sound barrier.

Even that isn’t quite enough to satisfy her, because soon enough she’s going faster than she thinks she ever has, cold wind whipping her hair back and drying the tears on her cheeks.

She arrives at the Fortress in no time, and even though she’s not sure why her body chose to take her here, she’s glad it did. She needs to burn off some of the panic in her muscles, and it’s not as if she can really exert herself in National City, not with all the people around who could get hurt or scared.

The key into the Fortress weighs around a million tons (literally) which means that she can feel the slight burn of exertion in her arms as she picks it up to open the door, silently thankful when she finds the place empty. She loves Clark, she really does, but she’s not in the mood to talk to anyone, let alone someone from whom she has over a dozen missed calls, all from the past few days.

Kara knows that he’s just trying to be a good cousin, to be supportive, but she doesn’t know how to let anyone support her right now. Plus, while Clark has grown to love and trust Lena in the past five years, there was a time where he couldn’t possibly believe that a Luthor could be good, where all he did was warn Kara to keep her distance from the love of her life. Clark had apologized and they’d all talked about it and it was in the past now – she had gotten over it, she really had – but thinking about it right now makes her burn with an anger that scares her a little.

She can practically feel her heart constricting at the thought of Lena, and the energy that was coursing through her veins before has returned with a vengeance. She doesn’t want to think right now, so she grabs the dwarf-star key and chucks it up at the ceiling, flying up to intercept it before it hits the ceiling and destroys the whole structure. She continues this for a few more times until she begins to feel a slight ache in her core.

~

_She and Lena were on the couch, Lena on her back and Kara straddling her hips, fingers dancing over the soft exposed skin of her belly where her shirt rode up._

_“Kara, Kara, stop!” Lena laughed, arms folding over her torso in an attempt to hide her stomach. “You know I’m ticklish!”_

_Kara’s grin just widened as she continued her assault. “Admit that I’m a better cook than you!”_

_“N-no!” Lena scrunched her face up, eyes closing and the skin around them crinkling up adorably. “Never!”_

_“Bad choice,” Kara said as her hands migrated up north to Lena’s neck, an even more sensitive region._

_After nearly a minute of tickling any body part within reach, Lena finally cried, “Okay, okay!” and Kara ceased the tickling. Lena took a few seconds to catch her breath before saying, “I guess_ maybe _sometimes you’re better at cooking some things than I am. Only some things, though.”_

_“Should that really count as a surrender?”_

_“It’s as close as you’re going to get,” Lena teased, smirking up at Kara. Neither of them held any great pride in their cooking skills specifically, but Lena’s middle name might as well be ‘Competitive,’ and Kara could never resist taking the opportunity to ignite that fire._

_“No, I think I deserve something more than a cop-out like that,” Kara said, smiling mischievously._

_“Oh, do you?” Lena replied, playing into the game. “And what might that entail?”_

_Kara hummed, pretending to think, but couldn’t manage to hide her smile. “Well, it’s been far too long since I’ve kissed a woman as beautiful as you.”_

_Lena rolled her eyes. “You kissed me when we sat down to watch Buffy five minutes ago.”_

_“As I said, far too long.”_

_Lena grinned and bit her lip in the way she knew drove Kara crazy, looking up at her with dark eyes. “I’m sure there’s a way to fix that.” She began to lean up to reach Kara’s lips, but stopped and let out a half-groan half-laugh._

_“What’s wrong?” Kara asked, immediately reaching out to soothe whatever invisible pain Lena was having._

_“You killed my abs!” she laughed. “All that tickling made my stomach hurt.”_

_It was Kara who let out a laugh this time, teasing, “Aw, baby, does your tummy hurt?”_

_“No,” Lena replied with mock-indignance. “My… my core aches,” she finished._

_“Oh, is that not what I just said? You’re saying your tummy_ doesn’t _hurt?”_

_“Shut up,” Lena countered, trying unsuccessfully to hide her grin._

_“You love me.”_

_“Yeah, I do.”_

_“Good. I love you, too.” Kara leaned down for a kiss, lips curved up in a smile._

~

 _No. Stop_. Kara shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt to rid herself of the thought. That’s not what she should be thinking about right now, not when she’s here to forget all that she’s upset about. Remembering all the good times she’s had with the woman she loves is not going to help her get over the fact that said woman is going through more pain than anyone should, and that Kara isn’t allowed to be there for her while she does it.

She can’t think about this. She needs to do anything besides think, literally anything else.

“Kelex!” she calls, and the robot speeds out of whatever corner he was hiding in to greet her.

“Hello, Kara Zor El. How can I be of service today?”

“Hi, Kelex. I… I need something to distract me. I just need to do something to keep my mind off everything.”

“Would you like me to engage the protocols that Kal El participates in when he is in a similar state of distress?”

 _Similar state of distress? Does he feel like this a lot?_ Kara wonders, suddenly a little too worried about her cousin. She should really check up on him more. Nonetheless, she thinks that maybe whatever Clark does to feel better could help her too, so she agrees.

Kelex quickly returns to his hiding spot before bringing out a bag full of rubber balls, each the size of a pomegranate. He retreats again to retrieve what looks like a huge ping-pong paddle, only it’s clearly made of some sort of heavy metal based on the way Kelex drags it with both hands.

“Clark plays ping-pong against himself when he’s upset?” The image of Superman playing a game of ping-pong with a frown on his face is just enough to make her laugh at the sheer absurdity.

“No, Kal El plays a game that he has dubbed ‘Super Wall Ball.’”

“Like regular wall ball but with superpowers?”

Kelex nods. “Yes. And with multiple balls.”

“Multiple?” Kara asks. “How many is multiple?”

Before she can learn much else, Kelex hands her the metal paddle and proceeds to chuck each of the rubber balls towards different spots the wall with a surprising amount of force.

“Oh! I guess that’s what you meant by multiple, then.”

It’s a little fun, at first, trying to keep all of the balls bouncing and hitting the wall without letting any get away. Because there are so many of them and they’re all traveling with so much force, she has to use both her superspeed and strength to keep up the rigor of the game. It isn’t long before she’s in a comfortable rhythm, her muscles rejoicing at the use as she swats back ball after ball, each hitting the wall with a satisfying thump.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

~

_She and Lena were lying on the roof to look at the stars, the typical August heat suspiciously absent. They could hear the rhythmic beats of a few teenagers playing basketball down in the street below, but Lena said that it only added to the night, the sound telling everyone in radius that people were enjoying themselves. Lena had once told her that everything in the Luthor manor was too quiet, that she couldn’t hear anything or anyone else because of how isolated her childhood home was from the outside world. She liked the noise that meant other people were around because that meant that other people were living their lives, too, in the happiest way they could. Kara took this as another explanation as to why Lena didn’t mind how she always hummed as she typed up her articles._

_Lena’s head rested on Kara’s shoulder, and Kara could smell the coconut shampoo her wife had used that morning. She knew the comforting weight of the love of her life resting beside her had to be the most wonderful feeling in the universe, and even though she couldn’t turn her brain off to relax, the simple fact that Lena was there calmed her just enough to make it bearable._

_“Kara?” Lena asked, softly, like she didn’t want to disturb the tranquility of the night air but just had to say something._

_“Yeah?”_

_“I can feel you thinking from over here.”_

_“Sorry,” Kara said, the words forming automatically in her mouth._

_“Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong.” She took a breath before saying, “Do you want to talk about it?”_

_Kara felt herself swallowing roughly, suddenly overcome with emotion at how much the woman beside her seemed to care for her. “You’re perfect,” she told her. “Absolutely perfect. You know that, right?”_

_“I know. But what’s wrong?”_

_Kara sighed. “I miss them.”_

_Lena didn’t have to ask who she was talking about. She ran her fingers down Kara’s arm, stopping when she reached her hand and intertwining their fingers. “I know.”_

_“Everyone’s gone. They’re all gone and I’m the only one left to remember them. There’s no one else.”_

_Lena nodded sympathetically and pressed a kiss to Kara’s collarbone, soft lips lingering there for a few seconds afterwards._

_“It’s just me,” Kara continued. “What if… I’m just so worried that I’m going to forget it all, forget them, and then they’ll really be gone.”_

_“Yeah,” said Lena. “I used to worry about that, too.”_

_“With your mom?”_

_Lena hummed her confirmation._

_“Well, how’d you stop?” Kara couldn’t help but hold her breath, a little afraid of the response she was going to get, but then she felt Lena smile against her skin, which coaxed the air out of her lungs._

_“I met you,” Lena answered simply. “You let me tell you about her. It’s not the same – not really – but I think it helped to know that if one day I didn’t remember her, you would remember her for me.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Can I… Can I tell you about Krypton?”_

_Lena smiled again. “I would love that.”_

_~_

Kara is brought back to the present when she feels the paddle in her hand crack under the force that she hits the rubber ball with. She curses (though Lena has argued many a time that ‘crap’ shouldn’t count as a curse word) and busies herself trying to catch all of the rubber balls so that nothing is damaged. She thinks maybe she’s a little too worked up, because after she rounds up the rubber balls, she finds that there are indented handprints on nearly all of them.

Kelex seems to notice this too, because he’s quick to suggest another solution.

“It seems Super Wall Ball has failed to brighten your spirits. When Kal El encounters this struggle, he enjoys looking through a box of personal items that Lois Lane has left at the fortress. Would you like me to bring Lena Luthor-Danvers’ things to you?”

Kara doesn’t really have any time to protest, because in the blink of an eye Kelex has disappeared and then returned holding an office-box full of Lena’s things. He sets the box down and a cheap-looking Supergirl pen falls onto the ground.

Kara instantly sees red.

~

 _“Kara!” Lena called, stomping her way through the apartment. “Kara! Did you steal my pens again? I can’t find one_ anywhere _in my desk. It’s like you’re purposely doing this!” She turned the corner into the living room and blew hair out of her eyes, her face contorted with frustration. “I was looking through the edits for the image inducer and needed to make a change but – Kara, are you even listening?”_

_Kara quickly brought the enormous mug she was holding up to her mouth and pretended to drink from it, trying unsuccessfully to hide her grin. “Of course I’m listening.”_

_Lena narrowed her eyes. “Why are you smiling?”_

_“I’m not smiling.”_

_“You’re a bad liar.”_

_Kara set her mug on the counter before placing her hands on her hips indignantly. “Am not. I’ll have you know that I’ve kept a secret identity for five whole years.”_

_“I honestly have no idea how, Ms. I flew here on a bus,” Lena teased, a small grin growing on her face._

_“Come on, that was_ one time _! No one will ever let me live that down. Don’t you guys have other things to –”_

_Lena let out a light chuckle and walked over to run her hands up and down Kara’s arms soothingly. “Calm down, darling. I married Ms. I flew here on a bus, so obviously I think she’s pretty great.”_

_Kara leaned into the touch, getting lost in the comforting warmth for a moment before realizing that the feeling could get even better if she wrapped her arms around Lena in a hug. So, she did._

_Lena responded immediately, reaching her arms up to fold around Kara’s neck and inhaling deeply, which thrilled the blonde, just as it always did. She knew how difficult it had been for Lena to break down the walls she had built and allow herself to be touched or comforted, which made it even more special to see how easy it was for her to do so now. Now, Lena even initiated touch. This made Kara ecstatic – half because she knew how much happier Lena was because of it, and half because there’s nothing that she liked more than a warm hug from someone she loved._

_“Kara,” Lena whispered softly, and Kara reflexively grinned at the soft puff of air on her skin._

_“Yes?”_

_“I still need a pen.”_

_“Oh, right!” She pulled away from the hug and returned to the space she was standing in before, picking up the mug and pretending to take a sip. “You’re looking for a pen, you say?” she asked, hoping to sound as casual as possible._

_Lena narrowed her eyes again. “Yes…”_

_“Have you checked the junk drawer?”_

_Lena quirked an eyebrow but did as told, heading over to the drawer and opening it up._

_It was empty – which Kara knew already – but she still felt a little spark of joy when Lena looked over at her with suspicion in her eyes and said, “There’s nothing here.”_

_“Hm, that’s weird. Maybe you forgot where you put it?”_

_“Kara…”_

_“Or maybe it’s hiding! Hide n Seek is always my favorite game to play.”_

_Lena took this opportunity to raise her other eyebrow._

_“In fact,” said Kara, “I would suspect that maybe your pen would be somewhere in this general vicinity, probably in a hiding spot that it knows you can reach.”_

_“Oh, you would? You don’t think my pen is taped to the ceiling or somewhere else that only super-powered aliens can get to?”_

_“I don’t think so, but I’m just guessing here. This is all just a hunch.”_

_Lena rolled her eyes, but Kara could see the corners of her mouth twitch ever so slightly into a smile. She began to search the kitchen systematically, starting over at the dishwasher and moving to the left to look in every nick and cranny that she could see._

_This was going to take a while._

_“Also,” Kara added, trying to speed the process up so Lena wouldn’t get frustrated, “I think it’s probably in a fairly easy spot to see. Your pen isn’t malicious enough that it would hide in the corner of a darkly lit oven or something.”_

_Lena cocked her head and smiled, immediately heading to the oven and pulling the flashlight on her phone up._

_“I just said it wasn’t there!”_

_“Yes, which is why I’m checking. I happen to know what reverse psychology is, Kara.” After a thorough thirty-second inspection, Lena gave up and closed the oven door. She then began opening drawers at random, spending no more than five seconds in each new potential hiding-spot._

_Kara could see that Lena was just about to turn around to ask for a hint when she opened up the cabinet that held the plates and bowls and a whole myriad of pens rained down on her._

_There was a moment of silence where Kara waited with bated breath before Lena snorted and then subsequently began to crack up._

_After a few seconds of laughter, she turned back to Kara and asked, still smiling broadly, “What the fuck?”_

_“April Fool’s!” Kara exclaimed, pulling a noisemaker out of the mug in her hand and blowing on it._

_Lena’s laughter subsided enough for her to ask, “Pens?” with a baffled smile on her face._

_“Yeah! Do you like them?”_

_“I – yes,” she laughs. “Of course! I’m just a little curious as to why there are a thousand pens on our kitchen floor?”_

_“Technically it’s only 750, but I guess that’s not important right now. You know, though! I always borrow your pens and you accuse me of stealing them - even though it’s not really stealing, I just borrow them and forget to put them back and then accidentally bring them to work and they get lost. So, I guess, like,_ technically _it’s stealing but it’s not malicious stealing so it doesn’t count. Anyway, you’re always saying you can never find a pen, so I thought, hey! Here’s a solution to never having anything to write with!”_

_Lena laughed again, the corners of her eyes crinkling up in a way that Kara thought should be illegal. “I can’t believe you bought me 750 pens just so I wouldn’t call you a thief anymore.”_

_It was Kara’s turn to laugh, then. “No, that’s just a side perk. I bought them for you because I thought it would make you smile today.”_

_“Yeah, well it did. You did.” She reached down to pick a pen up off the ground, narrowing her eyes playfully at what she saw. “Kara?”_

_“Lena?” Kara replied, echoing her wife’s tone._

_“Why do these all have the House of El crest on them?”_

_“Oh, that’s a funny story!” She took the opportunity to step over the mess of plastic on the floor to stand next to Lena. “So you know how things are cheaper in bulk?”_

_“Yes, I do know that.”_

_“Well, I thought maybe I could get them even cheaper if I went as Supergirl.”_

_“And…”_

_“And it worked! I got the discount! But I think they assumed I was going to use them for superhero purposes and wanted them to be, well…. me-themed.”_

_Lena burst into another fit of laughter._

_“Stop, you can’t laugh at me!” Kara exclaimed, mock offense shining through her voice. “I’m your wife! This is the ‘for better or for worse’ part!”_

_Lena shook her head as if she disapproved, but the smile on her lips and the kiss she pressed to Kara’s cheek said otherwise. “I love you, you dumb Kryptonian.”_

_“Good, because I love you, too.”_

~

Kara doesn’t recognize what’s happening until she smells burning plastic and feels the sting behind her eyes that only comes with overusing her laser vision. At that point, though, it’s too late to stop. It’s too late to stop because if she does, she’ll definitely start crying. She can’t think about Lena. She can’t think about all the times she shared with the woman she loves, all the times that she might not ever get back. The pen is long-since melted, molten plastic spilled over the sunstone that the floor is made of, and even though she feels the intensity of her heat-vison fading, she can’t bring herself to stop.

Eventually she hits a wall and the fire in her gaze vanishes, leaving her kneeling on the ground with tears in her eyes. She doesn’t try anything, but she knows her powers are gone. She doesn’t feel the buzz of energy in her cells the way she usually does under a yellow sun.

She’s solar flared.

She recognizes the Kelex’s gentle touch on her arm before anything else comes into focus, turning over to see clear concerned etched into his features.

“Kara Zor El, I would suggest that you contact your cousin.”

She waits for a moment, but even then she can’t find it in her to argue, so she doesn’t. She unlocks her phone to find 5 missed calls from Alex, 2 from Maggie, and a text that says simply, “Please be careful.”

Whoops.

She types out a quick message to Clark that reads, “I solar flared. Can you pick me up from the fortress?” and within twenty seconds, he’s replied with, “I’m on my way.”

She knows it’ll take him some time to get here, and it’s actually very cold when you’re not resistant to extreme temperatures due to being an alien with superpowers, so she begrudgingly scoots Lena’s box over to herself in hopes of finding a sweater.

She manages to find two sweaters in the box, along with four more Supergirl pens, a book on quantum mechanics, Lena’s favorite shade of lipstick, and a toolkit, and she thinks that the combination of which is so quintessentially Lena that it hurts a little. She thinks she must stare into the box for a little too long after stuffing her body into the sweaters, because suddenly Kelex is speaking.

“Are you okay, Kara Zor El?”

At first, she doesn’t know what she should say, but she eventually settles with, “No. Not really.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

She shrugs. “I wouldn’t know how.”

“Hm,” he says. Then, as if it’s just occurred to him, “Can you tell me what are you feeling?”

She thinks for a moment, but there’s only one word that comes to mind. “Alone.”

“But you are not alone, Kara Zor El. You have never been alone.”

“That’s not true.”

“Sorry, you are correct. My last statement was meant to comfort, but it was indeed false. A more appropriate response may have been, ‘you are not alone right now.’”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I guess I’m not alone, not really.” She swallows roughly, finding herself feeling both surprised and a little guilty at how easily the words are coming, now. Where was this ability to express herself an hour ago with Alex and Maggie, two of the people who love her most in this world?

Kelex interrupts her thoughts. “If you know you’re not alone, then why did you choose this word to describe your feelings earlier?”

“Well… Lena’s alone.”

“Oh.”

“Lena’s _all alone_. She doesn’t have anybody. And… I just – I remember how it feels to be alone, to not have anybody. I know technically she has me, technically I’m there for her, but I don’t count. Eliza and Jeremiah were there for me when I was alone, too, but they didn’t count either. Not yet, anyway.”

“You feel sympathy for her?”

“No, I… well, I guess. It just hurts so much to watch her in this much pain. It hurts to watch her lose everything, and then it brings me back to when I lost everything.”

“Krypton,” Kelex says, and it’s not a question.

“Yeah,” Kara says, feeling like maybe the way to figure out exactly what she’s feeling is to just say what comes to mind. This system seems to work just fine. “The worst part is that she became my new Krypton. She’s my Krypton and I’m losing it again.”

“Lena Luthor-Danvers is… a planet?” Kelex asks, obviously not understanding.

“No, she’s not a planet. But she knew all about it. She made me feel closer to Krypton because of the way she let me talk about it. She lost a certain kind of world when she was young and I lost another, and then we kind of… I don’t know. We rebuilt our worlds in each other.

“And… and now it’s just gone! I lost the love of my life and the whole world that she helped me build up again, and now I have to watch her go through the worst pain she’s ever felt without doing anything because she doesn’t want me to help her.”

There’s a short silence and she doesn’t know what Kelex could ever say to her in response to that, so she’s a little grateful when she hears the sounds of Clark entering.

“Kara!” he calls, running towards her. “Kara, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“What happened? Why did you solar flare? Are you okay? You – you haven’t answered our calls.” His expression twists away from panicked worry into a frown filled with more pity than she’s seen from him in a long time. (This is just like when she lost Krypton.)

“Can we go?” she says, ignoring his questions. “I’m really cold.”

He chews at his lip for a second pensively before he shrugs and opens his arms to let her know he’ll pick her up when she walks over. “Fine, but we’re talking on the way, okay?”

“Okay.”

Only, they don’t. They don’t talk on the way.

At least, not at first. At first all Kara can focus on is the deep frigidity she feels as they fly through the air, the way she can feel it all the way to her bones. Is this what being human is? Being cold all the time? Because this _sucks_. She definitely understands why Lena wears a coat and nuzzles herself into Kara’s neck whenever they go flying, because this is way chillier than she thought it would be.

She finds herself thinking of Lena, because of course she does. She thinks of Krypton, of losing Krypton, of how she had never met anyone who could relate to something like that. She didn’t think anyone ever could, but then she met Lena. It’s not like they shared the same experiences, not really, but somehow it felt like Lena understood her in a way even Alex couldn’t, sometimes. Maybe Lena didn’t leave a dying planet behind, but she left everything she’d ever known to go live with people who could never compare, knowing that she could never, ever go back. Lena understood her, and even when she didn’t, she would sit with Kara and just listen. Lena always had a way of making her feel better.

Kara hears herself saying, “I wish Lena were here.”

Clark forces a laugh, clearly unsure of what he should say, before going with a joke. “What, right here, 1500 feet above the ocean?”

“No. At the fortress.”

Kara feels Clark go unnaturally still underneath her. He clears his throat and begins to say something, but then seems to think better of it, because he doesn’t continue.

“What?” she asks. “What are you thinking?”

“Nothing,” he protests. “Nothing, I swear.” He pauses, deliberating on something, before saying, “It’s just… well, Lena lost her memory, right?”

“Yeah,” Kara confirms, and she thinks about how if Lena were here, she’d definitely make a sarcastic quip about how she should be the one who doesn’t remember anything, not him.

“And you want her in the fortress?”

“Yes. What are you talking about?”

“Nothing! Forget I said anything.”

Kara looks up at Clark, and she can plainly see that he isn’t really talking about ‘nothing.’

“Tell me.”

He sighs. “It’s nothing. I just wonder… well, what do we really know about Lena from 2015?”

Kara doesn’t know if she believes her ears. “Excuse me?”

“I – I just mean, what do we know about her from back then? Do we really know _anything_?”

Kara inhales deeply. “Is this about her being a Luthor?”

“No, no, of course n–”

Kara ignores him, continuing on as if he hadn’t said a word. “Because if it is, remember that Lena has done _just as much_ good as you or I have. Are you really implying that we can’t trust her? We can’t trust the woman I love and who has proven herself _over_ and _over_ again just because she and Lex share some DNA?”

“No,” Clark says firmly. “That’s not what I’m saying. You and I both know that DNA doesn’t make a family.”

“Then what _are_ you saying?”

“Nothing! It’s just that they grew up together! They were raised on the same values. I just wanted you to think about it. I mean, who knows what kind of things Lex said when she was a kid that she just ingrained into herself and hasn’t rethought yet?”

Kara scoffs, her breathing coming in heavy bursts now. “What, you think that she heard Lex call an alien a cockroach once and now she’s going to commit genocide?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Kara. I just don’t know if it’s a smart idea to have her there where she could gain the power to hurt someone.”

“Why would Lena ever do that? She’s never had anything against aliens, not even _you,_ even though no one could blame her if she did.”

Clark lets out a frustrated sigh. “Okay, fine, but her mom does.”

“Well, that’s why I’m not inviting Lillian to the fortress.”

“But you’d invite her daughter?”

“What does _that_ mean?”

“It means that she and Lillian are still family, Kara. That’s not meaningless. You and I both know it’s not above Lillian to use this accident as a way to manipulate her. What if she convinces Lena to get info or tech from us that could hurt people?”

“Lena would never hurt anyone,” Kara snaps. “You know that.”

“Not willingly, I know, but we’ve all been tricked before. Tricked by Lillian, even. Plus, why wouldn’t Lena believe her own mother? I mean, right now she has more loyalty to Lillian than she does to you!”

There’s a moment of silence where Kara doesn’t want to believe what she’s heard. “Excuse me?”

Clark seems to know he’s messed up, because he’s stuttering now. “No, no, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I was just trying to say that she doesn’t really know you yet.”

“Yeah?” Kara says, finding herself boiling with anger. “Well it’s insulting that you think the woman who made Lena’s life hell for twenty years has a better relationship with her than I do! Even if I am a stranger.”

Clark hums softly the same way Kara does when she wants to say something but doesn’t know if she should.

“What?” she demands.

“I mean, that’s still her mother, Kara.”

“Yeah, an abusive one!” she says, and she realizes she’s almost yelling, even though she’s not sure how that happened. “It doesn’t work that way!”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry, but you just don’t know the kind of things the Luthors are capable of!”

“Lena’s not like that,” she seethes.

“I hear you, Kara, but neither was Lex, and – ”

“Put me down!” she yells, her hands balled into fists so tightly that she can see her knuckles turn white.

“Kara, come on –”

“I said put me the hell down!”

Clark looks around and sighs after seeing that they’re flying above land now. “Okay! Okay!” He lowers them down onto the icy ground and sets Kara free, and Kara nearly jumps out of his arms, anxious to be as far away from her cousin as possible.

“I’m sorry,” he says, stepping closer to her, hands up in surrender. “I just wanted you to be careful, the way I wasn’t with Lex, b – “

“Lena is _not_ Lex _!_ ” she finds herself yelling, and then her fist is connecting with his jaw, and then there’s a sharp shooting pain in her wrist.

“Agh!” Kara yelps, clutching her right arm. “F- _crap_!”

Clark’s eyes are wide as he finishes his sentence “ - but I should’ve trusted that Lena is nothing like Lex and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“ _Jeez_!” she cries, screwing her eyes tight, almost oblivious to the fact that Clark said anything at all. That _hurts_. Did it hurt this much last time she broke her arm? It is broken, though, right? It’s got to be.

Clark seems to be thinking the same thing, because he stares down at her arm for a second and then says, “Yeah, that’s broken, Kar. Hairline fracture.”

She sits for a moment in the pain with her eyes shut before she sighs and feels most of the adrenaline rush out of her body with the air. “Yeah, I figured it would be.” She opens her eyes and grimaces in pain, along with in response to Clark’s apologetic demeanor.

“I am _so_ sorry, Kara,” he says. “I shouldn’t have said any of that. I just got scared and then I lost my temper and it went way further than I ever thought it could.”

“Yeah, well those words must’ve come from somewhere. You meant what you said.”

“No, I didn’t. I was scared. I felt myself turning back in time to when we first met Lena and I didn’t know what to expect yet. But, still, I shouldn’t have said those things about Lena now, because I trust her. I just… don’t trust this situation. This could way too easily be used against you guys.”

Kara sighs. “Yeah,” she says eventually, albeit tersely. “I guess.”

“I’m really sorry,” he reiterates. “I just got worried about how easily we could be manipulated right now. It wasn’t Lena, I swear. I’m not worried about Lena. I know she would never do anything to hurt anyone.”

“You better be,” Kara says, and she hopes the warning in her tone is enough to get Clark to listen.

“I am.” He pauses for a moment before raising his arms again. “Can we get you home, please?”

Kara sighs. “Yeah.” She lets herself be brought up into his arms, and then Clark is flying again.

“I’m sorry for punching you in the face,” Kara says, and it sounds a little like when adults make little kids apologize to each other even when they don’t mean it, but Kara is trying her best to be sincere.

Clark just shrugs. “It’s cool. I’m sorry that you broke your wrist punching me in the face.”

“It’ll heal fast.”

“You know Alex is going to kill you when she finds out, right?”

Kara freezes. She hadn’t thought of that. “I guess there’s a new rule, then: no one is allowed to tell Alex anything until the morning.”

Clark just shrugs. “It’s your funeral.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading!! i love u all ! pls follow me on twitter @homosectional so i can post about this au and feel like im not shouting to a void of ppl who dont read this story bvdjnnvsdn
> 
> ALSO!!! i know it’s been angst city here but next chapter is just lena and kara getting to know each other and lena letting down her walls a little!!! keep the faith!!!


	6. Lena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara comes home after solar-flaring and she and Lena finally get to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me literally fifty years to write but it's up!! also i had the last scene specifically planned for this chapter and ppl on twitter told me to put it in even if it made the chapter rlly long so that's how yall ended up with an 11k update lmao. 
> 
> the angst is clearing up! i mean not rlly, but they're gonna SHARE their angst from now on so they wont be like stewing by themselves anymore

Lena wakes with a start to the sound of a door slamming somewhere beyond the safety of the bedroom, which is shortly followed by the voice of an outraged woman screaming at Kara.

“Wake up! Get up! Get up!” the voice yells furiously. “Kara Zor El Luthor-Danvers, what the _fuck_ were you thinking!? Clark told me what you did last night, and I cannot fucking _believe_ how –”

Suddenly the voice is cut off, and Lena can hear an insistent shush-ing.

“Shhh!” Kara whispers. “Lena’s sleeping!”

 _Not anymore_ , Lena thinks.

The angry woman groans dramatically but relents anyway and lowers her voice. “You’re so goddamn lucky that I love Lena enough to let her keep sleeping right now, because if it were just you and me here, I’d be yelling at you _so_ loud.”

“Alex, I’m sorry, okay?”

 _Oh_ , Lena thinks, and she can feel something sink in her stomach. This is Alex. _The_ Alex. Alex, Kara’s sister who wants only the best for her and is closer to her than anyone else in the world.

That Alex.

Lena can’t help but be confused at how things are playing out. Alex seems to like her, to approve of her. Hell, she’s even claiming to _love_ her. Only, how could that possibly be true? She read about Alex in the packet Kara left her, about how she’s literally killed before to keep her sister safe, and yet here she is saying she loves Lena? The same person whose whole family has been trying to destroy Kara for years?

Lena doesn’t know what the hell her future-self has been doing to keep everyone on her side, but whatever it is, she knows she can’t live up to it. She feels panic start to set into her veins at the thought of having to talk to Alex, but then relief washes it away when she remembers that Kara thinks she’s asleep, meaning that she won’t have to meet Alex yet. She can delay feeling the inevitable shame that comes with falling short of the expectations that have been set for her, and the pain that will come when everyone realizes she isn’t worth it. She knows it’s coming, but she’s dreading the moment that it does, when she loses everything here that she never knew she wanted.

The sound of Alex sighing loudly and then dropping her weight onto something – probably one of the couches – brings Lena out of her thoughts.

“Okay,” Alex says resignedly, “tell me everything.”

“It’s nothing,” Kara assures her. “I solar flared and hurt my wrist – but I’m fine now, I promise. I’ll heal in a day or two and everything will go back to normal.”

“ _Normal!?_ ” Alex echoes. “Is it normal for you to go around punching your super-powered cousin in the face after you’ve burned out your powers, meaning you break your fucking wrist?!”

Lena can’t help but let out a small gasp – Kara punched _Superman_? – but claps a hand over her mouth as soon as it escapes her. She’s sure she’s been found out, that now they must know she’s awake and they’ll come talk to her, but they don’t seem to notice, because Alex just continues on like nothing happened.

“Side note, how the _hell_ did you burn out your powers? What were you doing, fighting Godzilla or something?”

“No,” says Kara defensively. She mumbles something then, and Lena can’t make out what it is she says, but Alex clearly can. Lena slips out of the bed and tiptoes to the door so she can press her ear against it and hopefully hear better.

Whatever it is that Kara said, it brings out pity in Alex, because she’s saying, “I’m sorry, Kara. I know. I know it sucks right now, but it’ll be okay.”

“Will it?” Kara questions. “Will it really? Because it’s been days and she hasn’t shown any sign of remembering. And I know that’s not her fault, but she won’t talk to me, either. She’s in so much pain and I can _tell_ that it’s killing her, but she has all these walls up. She won’t let me help her. And I know she’s going through much worse than I am, that this is so much harder on her than I could ever imagine, but I wish she would let me be there for her, you know? I – I miss her so much, and I just want to help. Like, would it really be so terrible for us to go through this together? To be there for each other?”

Lena doesn’t know what to do at those words besides bite at the inside of her cheek and hope she doesn’t do something stupid like cry. She’s hurting Kara, Kara who couldn’t be more perfect if she tried and doesn’t deserve any of the shit the world has given to her. And now Lena’s giving her more.

Kara continues, emotion thick in her voice. “I miss my best friend. It’s so hard to see her face every day and hear her heartbeat and see her do all the things she used to do, because it’s _her_. It’s still Lena and I still love her, but she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

Alex answers a few seconds later in a whisper. “Yeah. I don’t know how you’re doing it. It’ll be okay, though. She’ll come back to you, I know it.”

“But what if she doesn’t?”

“She will.”

“Alex, please, what if –”

“No,” Alex says, cutting her off. “We’re not gonna think like that. This will be okay. Lena will come back to you.”

Kara sniffles. “Yeah, just… this – this feels exactly like when I lost Krypton.”

There’s silence, where Alex is clearly waiting for Kara to continue.

“That’s why I was so upset last night,” she admits in a voice that makes it sound like this is the first time she’s said it aloud. “I miss her so much, and it just feels like I’m losing my whole world again. I had finally gotten over losing everything that mattered to me in one fell swoop, and now there’s _this_. We were always there for each other and she could always make things better, but now she doesn’t remember and… it’s like I’m all alone again.”

“You’re not all alone,” Alex insists. “We’re all here for you.”

“I guess. But who’s there for Lena?”

Lena finds herself curious to hear the answer, but it seems to stump Alex because there’s a long stretch of silence. It wasn’t as if Lena hadn’t been thinking about it already – the fact that everyone she’d ever loved is gone now, that she has no one to turn to – but it stings a lot more coming out of Kara’s mouth.

Eventually Alex changes the subject. “Does your wrist hurt?”

“A little.”

“Dumbass.”

“Yeah.”

Alex sighs in exasperation. “You’re not supposed to agree with me. I’m just upset that you’re hurt. I still love you, you know?”

“I know,” Kara returns, and Lena can hear a faint smile in her voice.

“Just stop making impulsive decisions and getting hurt, okay?” She sighs and pats her legs. “I’m gonna go to the drug store and get you a splint so your arm doesn’t heal all wacky. Do you need anything else?”

There’s a moment of deliberation before Kara asks, “Can you pick up some Reese’s cups for Lena?”

“No,” Alex deadpans. Lena can hear footsteps retreating away from the bedroom, meaning that Alex is probably leaving now.

“ _Alex_ ,” Kara whines. “They’re her favorite! She’s going through a lot.”

There’s a pause where Alex is clearly debating it, but eventually she replies, “Ugh, fine. Snickers for you, right?”

“Yes! I love you!”

The front door opens with a squeak and Alex calls out, “I love you, too. Try not to die before I get back, cool?”

“No promises,” Kara returns as the door shuts loudly behind her.

There are a few seconds of silence, and then Kara sighs loudly. Now that it’s just them, Lena isn’t quite sure what she’s supposed to do. Should she go out and comfort Kara? Should she pretend to be asleep and wait for the blonde to come to her? Obviously Kara needs comfort, needs _something_ at least, but Lena’s never been great at emotional support. The best she’s ever been able to give anyone is when Lex’s high school girlfriend broke up with him and Lena convinced him that he didn’t need to get violent revenge to feel better. Still, considering Lex’s recent actions, Lena doesn’t know if she can really count that as a win anymore.

She inhales deeply, braces herself for what is bound to be one of the most awkward conversations she’s ever had, and opens the bedroom door.

Kara is lying down on the yellow couch, her left arm resting on her forehead, and her right settled on her stomach, shifting slightly as she breathes. Lena knows that she broke one of her wrists, but Kara isn’t holding either of them differently than she usually would, so she’s not exactly sure which it is.

She clears her throat. “Good morning, Kara.” She can only hope that she sounds more friendly than professional right now, which is what she’s sure she has come off as up to this point.

Kara jumps up at the noise, quickly arranging herself into a sitting position. Both of her hands settle casually on her lap, and Lena can’t help but be a little confused. One of her wrists _is_ broken, right? She didn’t imagine that part?

“Lena!” Kara exclaims, and even though she’s clearly surprised, there isn’t anything but fondness in her voice. “How are you?”

“Good!” Lena replies, a little too cheerily. “And you?”

“Also good! Thanks for asking.”

There’s a moment of silence where Lena wonders if this is all there will ever be between them. Will it always be like this? The two of them sharing formal niceties in hopes of avoiding anything real? She hopes not. That’s a little too reminiscent of her family growing up, and she’s spent all of her adult life trying to distance herself from that.

Before she can overthink it, she finds herself forcing out a sentence. “I’m sorry you lost your wife.”

Kara furrows her eyebrows. “Sorry, what?”

“I’m… I’m just sorry that I’m not her. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

“You – what?” Lena can practically see the gears turning in Kara’s head, trying to figure out what spurred this on. It must only take her two seconds to come to the correct conclusion, though, because quickly she’s saying, “Oh – no. You heard. I-I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to. I didn’t mean it, okay? You don’t need to feel bad for me. At all. It’s not a big deal, really. It’s just –” She stops, letting a humorless laugh out. “It’s just that you… you remind me so much of her. And I know you said you’re different, that you’re not the same Lena that I know, and I _know_ that, but you _are_. This is just like you.”

“What? What do you mean this is just like me?”

“I mean that you’re always putting other people first, even when you shouldn’t.” Kara’s big blue eyes look a little wet, and Lena can see that she must be trying to hold back tears. “You have the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever met, did you know that? And I love that about you, I really do, it just… it hurts me so much to know that your heart is focused on making _me_ feel better right now instead of making yourself feel better.”

At the words, Lena thinks she can actually feel herself retreat back into her shell, composed and professional. “Thank you for your concern, Kara, but I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Excuse me?” she asks, eyes widening. “I can assure you, I am. I’m perfectly alright.”

She can see it in Kara’s eyes that the blonde is truly curious when she asks, “Do you really believe that?”

“What kind of question – _yes!_ ” Lena finds herself insisting. “Yes, I really believe that! I feel _fine_. I understand that this is a big deal for you because you know 2021 Lena, but current me – the me standing in front of you right now – is _fine_. It just feels like I went to bed for the night in one place and woke up six years later in another. And, yes, it’s a lot to take in, yes, i-it hurts a little, but it’s in the past. This all happened a long time ago. I’ll get over it.”

Kara’s expression doesn’t shift in the slightest. She says simply, “Just because something happened a long time ago doesn’t mean it can’t still hurt. I lost my parents almost twenty years ago, but it still hurts when I remember it.”

Lena can feel herself getting flustered. “Well – well…” She takes a deep breath and focuses on speaking as calmly as she can. “I’m sorry for your loss. I know that must hurt a lot.” She can feel herself getting a little frantic, now, though, as the last ounce of calmness in her voice dissipates. “A-and I’m sorry for everything, but that’s not me! I don’t even remember any of the bad things that have happened to me these past few years. I’m not _traumatized_ , Kara. It’s not as if I can hurt like that over something I don’t remember!”

“No, I know,” Kara says sadly. “I know that you don’t remember any of the bad that’s happened since then. That’s not why I think you’re hurting, Lena.”

“Then… why?”

“Because I know you don’t remember any of the good, either.” Kara pauses, seemingly trying to gather herself. “You’ve gone through so much pain, even if you don’t consider the past few years. Your life was so hard even before that, before I knew you, and I _hate_ that those are the only memories you have, now. I hate that all you know is sadness.”

Lena feels like maybe she should protest – tell Kara that of course she’s known joy before, that she knows what it is to be truly happy – but she doesn’t, because the past few days have made her realize that maybe that’s not true. Future-Lena seems to live the kind of life that she’s always dreamed of, and she isn’t sure that anything she’s ever experienced so far can compare to the warm, cheerful glimpses she’s seen so far.

“I really was happy, then?” she finds herself asking.

“Yes,” Kara replies, like it’s the most truthful word in existence, and a soft smile paints itself on her face. “You used to say that you couldn’t have ever imagined feeling this good. I thought maybe you were exaggerating, but…” The smile twists downward. “I’m sorry.”

“I guess we were happy, then, too?”

“Yeah,” Kara says, smiling sadly. “We were the happiest.”

There’s a moment where no one speaks, and all Lena can think is, _I’m sorry I ruined it all_. She knows it is isn’t actually her fault, but she just wishes she could go to sleep and disappear so future-Lena could come back to Kara. She knows that yes, technically, she and her future-self are the same person, that future-Lena is just current Lena with some added memories, but it doesn’t feel that way. The kind of life that 2021 Lena lives is too far removed from any of the possibilities she could’ve seen her own life branch into, as is the kind of person she seems to have become. So, maybe it’s easier if she thinks that way. Maybe it’s easier to pretend that the Lena that Kara seems to know really is a different person than she is, and once she leaves, that person can come back and take her rightful spot in this fairytale of an existence.

She’s brought out of her thoughts when she hears Kara groan in pain, clearly having just forgotten about her broken wrist as she tried to push herself off the couch.

“Are you okay?” is Lena’s immediate response. It takes a surprising amount of discipline to keep herself from reaching out for the other woman, even though she’s never felt the kind of pull she does here before.

Kara’s eyes are squeezed shut as she replies, “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” She lifts her right hand up gingerly from the sofa cushion, softly muttering, “Son of a biscuit,” to herself as she brings it up to rest in her lap. When Kara’s eyes finally open, Lena finds herself stuck staring into irises the exact shade of an endless, baby blue sky.

“Lena?” Kara asks, softly, like she’s scared to raise her voice and scare away the moment.

“Yes?”

“Are _you_ okay?”

“What? Of course I am. Why?”

“You’re frowning.”

Lena is suddenly aware of the way her teeth are biting into the inside of her cheek as her mouth remains turned downwards. “Oh,” she says.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m…Well, I guess I’m upset with you.”

The gleaming sparkle in Kara’s eyes seems to dim, then, and Lena can see her entire body sag just slightly. “I’m sorry.” She bites at her lip. “What did I do?”

“You got hurt.”

“Oh.” It’s then that corners of Kara’s lips turn up ever so slightly into a shy smile, and Lena can feel something flutter in her stomach at the movement. “I’m fine, really. It’s not a big deal. But you could, um, come over and see for yourself? If you wanted to, I mean. Just, so you know that I’m really okay.”

Lena doesn’t think she can reply verbally without making a fool of herself, so she just nods and approaches the couch, taking a seat only a few inches away from where Kara is sitting with her legs crossed in front of her

She can feel the difference immediately after stepping into Kara’s space, can feel the electrons in the air buzzing with the energy in between them. It feels like Kara is the strongest magnet in the world and every single atom in Lena’s body is drawn to her, unable to resist. Still, she isn’t even sure she _wants_ to resist, because even with her eyes focused on Kara’s arm, she can tell that Kara is staring straight at her with a loving, rapt attention – the same kind of severe concentration that Lena has for her. It’s intoxicating to imagine that someone could ever want her like this, let alone someone as perfect as the woman sitting beside her.

Kara raises her arm to hover up above her lap, and Lena can see the swollen flesh surrounding her wrist.

“What did you do?” she finds herself asking, the question barely a whisper.

“I got really angry,” says Kara, and the embarrassment that Lena thought might be present in her voice is completely masked by the clear awe she seems to be feeling right now. Lena feels a jolt of pride rush through her when she realizes that she’s the reason Kara sounds like that – that Kara is distracted and wonderstruck because of her presence.

“Do you always punch people when you’re angry?”

“No!” Kara protests, seemingly out of her trance. “Never! I would never do that. It was… well, it was a very special set of circumstances.”

“What kind of circumstances?”

“He – well, my cousin was saying really hurtful things.”

“Your cousin as in Superman? _Superman_ was saying hurtful things to you?” She finds it hard to believe that America’s Golden boy could say anything bad at all, let alone to Kara, the most likeable person in the world, so she makes a joke. “What, did he call you a nerd and steal your soda pop?”

Kara rolls her eyes playfully. “No! I know you don’t believe it, but Clark can be a jerk, sometimes. He’s self-righteous, and he thinks he knows everything, and he still treats me like a child sometimes even though…” She trails off, suddenly looking anxiously into Lena’s eyes with such tenderness that Lena might think it were insincere, if coming from someone else. “Lena? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“What? I’m fine,” she lies. All she can think is, _Clark, Clark, Clark_.

Kara furrows her eyebrows and lowers her injured arm down to thigh, her left hand reaching over to touch Lena. Kara’s hand is warm and soothing on the back of Lena’s palm, resting feather light there with just the right mix of smooth skin and callouses. “Lena?” she asks again.

“I’m – sorry.” Lena feels even more flustered than before – if it’s even possible – with Kara looking as worried as she does right now. She hadn’t meant to _worry_ Kara. She hadn’t meant to do any of that.

“Why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“No, I know. It’s just that now I know something that maybe I wasn’t supposed to.”

Kara purses her lips and frowns, clearly thinking back to what she said but coming up blank. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Clark.”

“What about him?”

“You – what?” It’s Lena’s turn to be confused. “You just let it slip that Superman’s real name is Clark.”

“Right,” affirms Kara, still not understanding. “Sorry, was that not in the packet? I could’ve sworn I wrote about him when we rescued you from that helicopter crash together…”

“No, I mean, you did but – you just told me Superman’s real name as if I’m not the sister of the… the _maniac_ who tried to kill him!”

“Oh jeez, you sound just like him,” Kara mutters to herself, before turning her attention back to Lena and looking seriously at her. “I don’t know why I keep having to say this, but you are _not_ Lex. It doesn’t matter what he’s done, not in regard to you, at least, because you had nothing to do with it. You’re innocent here! You’re just as much a victim as anyone else, even Clark. Superman, I mean.”

Lena can’t really focus on the fact that Kara is defending her, because she’s too curious about the first part of the sentence. “I sound just like him? Just like who?”

Kara flushes red, seemingly regretting saying that. “No one! Do you want breakfast? I think we should make breakfast. I’m starving.” She stands up swiftly, pulling her arm close to her body to keep it safe. “How do waffles sound to you?”

“Do you mean Superman?” Lena restates, ignoring the last few sentences out of Kara’s mouth. “I sound like Superman?”

Kara looks down at her with thinly veiled pity before she takes her seat back on the couch, offering out her uninjured hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out like this. He’s not usually like this. Everyone knows you’re nothing like Lex! You’re kind and brilliant and selfless. You’re the best of all of us. Clark is just being _stupid_ right now, but that’s not an excuse and he’s going to have –”

“Is that what he was saying yesterday that made you punch him?”

“I –” She sighs, clearly embarrassed about something, though Lena can’t imagine why she would be. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

When Lena looks back up into Kara’s eyes, there isn’t anything but care in them, gentle concern present in every feature on her face. All Lena can think to ask is, “You punched Superman for _me_?”

“Of course,” Kara answers, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I’d do anything for you.”

Lena feels her mouth go dry. Kara is looking at her with love, like she’s the most important thing in the world. She just told her that she would do anything for her, which is the closest thing that Lena’s ever gotten to a love confession. Does that mean that Kara loves her?

It must. Lena’s been told that it’s true, has seen evidence that can only one conclusion, but seeing it here in makes it undeniable.

Kara loves her.

She hears Kara’s breath catch the second that Lena’s gaze flits down to her lips, eyes dipping too low to deny that this is what she wants. Kara’s lips look so soft and pink, and they’re parted slightly to let shallow breaths pass through. Lena can’t help but wonder what those lips would feel like on her own, if something that looks that soft can really exist.

When she glances away from Kara’s mouth, she finds blue eyes focused on her lips, too, like she wants this just as much as Lena seems to. Kara wants to kiss her. She wants to kiss Kara. Who is she to deny them both of what they want?

Well, it turns out that it’s not Lena who denies herself the pleasure of kissing someone as perfect as Kara, because the sound of keys fumbling at the door trying to find their way into the lock interrupts them. That seems to distract Kara, because she shoots up from the couch and races to the source of the key sound, fuzzy socks slipping on the hardwood so that she slides into the door more than reaches it. She opens it breathlessly, keeping it mostly closed so that Lena can’t see out into the hallway and no one can see into the apartment.

“Hi!” Kara says cheerfully to the person at the door. Lena wonders briefly who it could be, before remembering that Alex was going to come back with supplies from the drug store and feeling a jolt of fear pulse through her.

Alex. She can’t meet Alex now. Not yet.

“Kara?” the person at the door – Alex – asks, confusion set deep in her tone. “Aren’t you gonna let me come in?”

“Oh, did-did you want to?”

“Yes…?” Alex replies, suspicion coloring her voice before she seemingly rethinks and says, doubt completely absent from her words, “Oh! Right, yeah, I just wanted to drop this off for you and leave immediately after. Feel better, Kara!”

Kara replies with just as enthusiasm. “Thanks! Bye!” She grabs a plastic bag and shuts the door with a sigh before walking calmly back over to Lena, seemingly unaware of how strange that encounter just looked.

What the hell?

“Who was that?” Lena asks, even though she’d bet money that it was Kara’s sister. Who else would have a key to the apartment? The question is, though, why did she leave? Clearly Kara must have said something to her to make her not want to come in, but why? Does Kara not want Alex to see her for some reason? It’s not that Lena _wanted_ to meet Alex yet – she’s still wary of making a sufficient first impression – but did Kara have a reason for sending her away? Does she think Lena isn’t good enough to meet her sister?

“That was Alex,” Kara replies easily, before she recognizes something in Lena’s voice and asks, “What’s wrong? Did you – oh. I’m sorry, I just assumed you weren’t ready to meet her yet. I didn’t think you would – I’m sorry. Did you want me to call her back here? I totally can! I don’t think she got far! Here, let me –”

“No, no, that’s fine,” Lena assures. “It’s fine.”

Kara sets the plastic bag on the loveseat and sits down next to Lena, gazing up softly at her. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, of course! I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine. You seem upset.”

“I’m not.” It seems like Kara is going to speak again, pressing the subject, so Lena clears her throat and points to the bag on the other seat. “What’s in there?”

Kara doesn’t answer for a minute, still staring into her eyes with concern, before Lena gives her a soft smile that she hopes comes off as reassuring. Kara seems to take that to mean that Lena is okay, because she drags her attention away from the woman in front of her and towards the plastic bag.

“Hm,” she says, leaning over to grab it with her left arm. “Chocolate, I would hope, but at the very least there should be…” She reaches into the bag to find a package. “Yup, here we go! Alex bought me a splint so I can wrap up my wrist and it’ll heal like it’s supposed to.” She fumbles awkwardly with the package, trying without success to open it with only one hand, before Lena intercepts it.

“Here,” she says, taking the package away and attempting to open it for Kara. She quickly realizes that she won’t have much luck, either, since her left arm is bandaged, too, but she’s too proud to admit that, so she keeps fiddling with it.

Kara seems to enjoy the sight, because when Lena looks back up at her, there’s a soft smile on Kara’s face.

“What?” Lena asks.

“I don’t think you’re any more capable of opening this than I am, Lena.”

“I resent that,” Lena says, trying to be serious, but she can feel the shadow of a smile trying to sneak its way onto her face. “My wrist is only _sprained_. Yours is broken, which gives me the upper hand here.”

“Oh, does it?” Kara teases, reaching over with her uninjured hand to help tear open the package. They work in tandem to pry the box open, and eventually Lena – who has the advantage of working with her dominant hand – works the lid off.

“Got it!” she announces proudly, turning over to look at Kara only to realize too late that they’re _very_ close.

Dangerously close.

Lena doesn’t think she’d ever properly recognized before how beautiful Kara is – not even the last time they were pressed this close together not five minutes ago – but now all she can focus on are the soft, barely-there freckles speckled across the bridge of Kara’s nose. Lena finds herself suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to kiss each one, wondering briefly how many there actually are. She knows that she’d never be able to focus long enough to find out, considering how close she’d have to be to even see them, let alone count them, but a girl can dream.

Kara doesn’t speak, just smiles softly at her with a look on her face that Lena doesn’t think she’s ever seen before. She wouldn’t know how to begin to describe it, just that it gives her a warm bubbly feeling in her stomach and a sense of calm that spreads through her whole body. If Lena didn’t know any better, she’d think that Kara wants to kiss her right now, because, really, all the signs point in that direction. Kara’s tongue darts out briefly to wet her bottom lip, and her breathing is hurried in the same way it was just a few minutes ago. It’s impossibly personal, the kind of expression that only comes about when looking at someone you love.

Well, that makes sense. Kara must think she _is_ looking at someone she loves, because Lena is the spitting image of the woman Kara married. She _is_ the woman Kara married, technically, but not in the ways that matter. Not in the ways that would make her deserve this.

She doesn’t deserve this.

She clears her throat and pulls back a little, and Kara immediately backs off, leaning back into the couch so that they’re not in each other’s space anymore. Lena can almost see the light dim in Kara’s eyes, and it hurts a little more than it probably should knowing that she’s what caused it.

“Um,” Lena begins, “your wrist. You need your wrist wrapped?”

“Yep! Yes. Yeah. That’s what I need.”

Lena just nods at her, staring expectantly for a moment, her gaze flickering between blue eyes and Kara’s lap.

“What?” Kara asks, bringing her uninjured hand up to her face as if to check that there’s nothing on it. “What’s wrong?”

Lena lets out an awkward chuckle. “You need to give me your arm. You know, so I can wrap it.”

“Right! Of course!”

Kara lifts her arm up to rest at eye-level, and Lena reaches out for it hesitantly.

“Is this okay?” she asks, fingers only centimeters away from touching heated skin, and it feels like suddenly the air around them has become charged.

“Yeah,” Kara breathes. Lena takes the permission and trails her fingertip lightly over Kara’s wrist, trying to ignore the way that goosebumps blossom on tan skin as she does.

“Does it hurt?” Lena finds herself asking, and she wants to see the look in Kara’s eyes as she answers, but she can’t tear her gaze away from their hands.

“Not anymore.”

Lena bites the inside of her cheek to keep a smile from escaping her, grasping the splint in her hand before spreading it open to allow Kara’s hand into it. Kara inhales sharply as Lena tries to slip the cover onto her wrist, and she stills.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” she says, but she can feel Kara shake her head.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

The rest of the splint slides on smoothly, and then Lena is tightening the straps gently so that the brace rests securely against Kara’s skin. When she finishes, she looks back up to find deep blue eyes already staring at her intently.

“What?” she asks, suddenly a little self-conscious.

Kara looks like she’s about to say something, but then shakes her head and smiles softly. “Nothing.” She pushes herself off the couch and offers her uninjured hand to Lena for a moment before retracting it, like she just suddenly realized that they didn’t do those sorts of things anymore. (‘Anymore’ for Kara, but ‘ _ever’_ for Lena. Lena can’t help but wish she could remember their time together, if not to take away Kara’s pain, then at least to know how it would feel to hold Kara’s warm hand in her own.)

Lena stands up after her and follows Kara over to the loveseat, where she’s emptying the contents of the plastic bag onto the cushion. What falls out is a Snickers bar and a set of Reese’s Cups, which are indeed Lena’s favorite.

Kara offers her the orange package with a hopeful look on her face, but there’s trepidation behind her eyes. “Reese’s?” she asks.

Lena smiles back at her in the most comforting way she can manage and takes the chocolate. “You know my favorite candy,” she states, like that isn’t the most obvious thing in the world.

“I do. Is that okay?”

“I think so.”

The next hour goes by smoothly. They pour themselves cereal and Kara eats substantially less than she has been for the past few days – which Lena assumes is a side effect of losing her powers– but still twice as much as Lena. She seems to enjoy the food just as much as she usually does, even if she doesn’t eat as fast as what Lena has grown accustomed to.

When they finish eating, they retreat back to the yellow couch and turn on Netflix. Kara suggests a documentary that she claims is Lena’s favorite, and it’s not as if Lena can disprove that, so she agrees to watch it. Choosing where to sit is the most difficult part of the whole arrangement, really, because Lena wants to be there for Kara, but she has no idea how to initiate any kind of human interaction. She ends up sitting a foot away from where Kara does, which is a slight improvement from the time when they sat on opposite ends of the couch, but a definite step down from when they sat together under the blanket with Lena’s head on Kara’s shoulder.

(Lena finds herself thinking about how warm and protected she felt with Kara’s arm wrapped around her shoulders, and the way she could feel slow breaths making their way through Kara’s lungs. The fact that she misses it makes her feel even more pathetic than she did yesterday.)

It’s all fine, at first. The documentary details the Spanish Influenza and how it swept its way through Europe, and Lena is almost too distracted to notice the way Kara seems to tense up as dark clouds gather in the sky. She doesn’t think anything of it at first, but then a crack of thunder sounds and she can hear the shaky breath that Kara just sucked in.

“Are you okay?” Lena asks as she turns her head to over, the documentary forgotten. Kara’s eyes are closed lightly and her expression is calm, but her arms are wrapped around her own torso so tightly that it looks a little as if she’s trying to hold herself together.

At first Lena thinks maybe Kara didn’t hear her, because she doesn’t react for a few seconds, but then she’s opening her eyes and smiling back over at her like nothing had happened. “I’m fine.”

Lena might have actually believed her if she hadn’t looked down and caught sight of Kara’s fingers digging harshly into her skin under her shirt.

“Are you sure?” she asks. If Kara doesn’t want to talk, then that’s fine; Lena will respect that. After all, it’s not as if she’s unfamiliar with wanting to be left alone. But if Kara _does_ want to talk, then isn’t it Lena’s job to be there for her? Kara has been nothing but kind in this whole ordeal, has been there for Lena through everything so far. She deserves some kindness back. Kara deserves the kind of support she’s been trying to give Lena.

Kara hesitates again, but this time her face gives away the internal debate she must be having. She needs something. Lena is about to open her mouth to encourage her to talk when she actually does.

“It’s – well, thunderstorms kind of…” She shakes her head and revises her words. “It’s just bringing up some old stuff. I’ll be okay, though. You don’t have to worry about me.” She flashes a half-hearted smile that’s probably supposed to be reassuring, but it just makes Lena’s heart hurt.

She scoots over a few inches on the couch before she asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Kara shakes her head. “No. I’m fine. You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to make me feel better.”

“What if I want to?”

It’s those words that make Kara finally turn her head to look over at Lena, something inscrutable shining in her blue eyes. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Kara exhales shakily. “Then… It’s just bad memories, really.”

“Just bad memories?”

“Really bad memories, I guess. I… Well, I don’t know if you knew this, but I didn’t always live here. I came to earth when I was thirteen.”

Lena is confused for a moment. She thought that Kara had come from Krypton, the same planet that Superman did. Only that can’t be possible, because Krypton doesn’t exist anymore. It _exploded_ like 40 years ago. If Superman came here when he was a baby, and Kara came here when she was thirteen…

How old exactly _is_ Kara?

The blonde seems to sense exactly what Lena is thinking, because she quickly explains, “A bunch of time stuff happened. I got trapped in a part of space where time doesn’t pass – yeah, that exists – and 24 years after Clark got here, I landed as a thirteen-year-old girl.”

“Oh,” says Lena, before the realization hits her. “Oh. Then you… you –”

“Yeah,” Kara confirms. “I remember Krypton. I was… I was there when it happened.”

Kara looks terribly small over on the other side of the couch, so Lena scoots over a little more, so now there’s fewer than a couple inches of space in between them. She wants to make it clear that Kara can reach out if she wants, that she’s here for her no matter what, but she doesn’t know if she’s really doing all that well. She doesn’t think she’s ever comforted anyone through anything this big.

Kara doesn’t seem to mind, though, because she reaches up to grip Lena’s extended hand, smiling when Lena lets her take it.

“Can I help?” Lena asks, feeling useless. She has no idea what to do. “Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m okay,” replies Kara. “This is good. This is –” Thunder crashes outside and Kara flinches before finishing with, “– helping. This is helping.”

“Do you have any earplugs?” Lena asks, and she leans forward to get off the couch. “I can get you some headphones, or maybe –”

“No, no,” Kara says, tightening her hold on Lena’s fingers in a way so frantic and desperate that it seems like maybe she’d die if Lena got up. “Please, stay?”

Lena nods. _Anything_ , she wants to say, but that sounds too needy and she’d never get over the embarrassment if she said that out loud, so instead she whispers, “Okay.”

A few seconds pass before Kara continues.

“It’s not the noise, exactly. I mean, it doesn’t help,” she adds, forcing out a chuckle, “but… that’s not the bad part.”

She pauses, and Lena thinks that maybe she’s looking for permission to continue, so Lena squeezes her hand. Kara seems to accept that, because she continues on.

“The bad part – the worst part – is the way it feels. The… the rumble. The way you feel the crack of thunder all the way to your bones, you know?” She brings her other arm up to her face to toy with her glasses, something that Lena realizes is probably a nervous habit. She’s nervous. She must be feeling terrible and Lena doesn’t know the first thing about how to fix that.

“Sound doesn’t travel in space,” Kara continues after a moment, “so I didn’t hear Krypton…” She shakes her head, like whatever she was about to say is too painful for her to voice aloud. “I didn’t hear it,” she revises, “but I felt it. I felt the boom. And I can never, ever forget it. So, no, I don’t like the sound, but… the _feeling_ is what really gets me.”

When Kara wipes at some moisture at the corner of her eyes, Lena feels her heart squeeze painfully in her chest. “Is it always like this?” she finds herself asking.

“No. Not usually. I mean, I’m never _happy_ about a storm, but I’m not like this. Usually when it rains this hard, I have someone with me to help me through it. To distract me.”

Lena swallows roughly. “Oh. Someone like… like me?”

“Yeah,” Kara admits. “Yeah, it’s usually you.”

All Lena can think to say is, “I’m sorry.”

That seems to rouse Kara out of her melancholy, because she turns to face Lena with an expression that looks almost angry, like she’s positively enraged at what she’s just heard.

“No,” she says roughly. She removes her hand from Lena’s hold and grips her shoulder, rubbing her thumb along the fabric lightly as she stares up into green eyes. “Don’t be. Don’t _ever_ be sorry, okay? This isn’t your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Lena thinks she might actually start to cry if she keeps holding Kara’s gaze like this, so she turns her head down to steady herself. “I’m sorry I can’t help.”

“I’m okay, really.”

“Really?”

Kara nods and gives Lena a soothing smile before turning her attention back to the television. Her fingers stay intertwined with Lena’s, though, and Lena can’t help but hope that it brings Kara the same rush it does her. She’s not sure _what_ it is that courses through her veins at the touch of Kara’s hand, but it’s damn near the closest thing to magic she’s ever felt.

Lena’s pretty sure Kara is aware of the fact that she looks over every thirty seconds check if she’s alright, because the blonde manages to keep her face completely neutral for five whole minutes before something in her snaps and thick, silent tears are streaming down her cheeks.

“Kara,” Lena hears herself plead, “what can I do?”

All Kara says in response is, “I’m fine,” and she pushes herself off the couch, her left arm coming up to tangle itself in blonde hair. “You don’t have to do anything, okay? I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“Please?”

“I’m okay, I’m okay, I swear,” she repeats, but her words are frenzied, and she sounds _scared_. “I just need to calm down. I can do that, okay? I’ll just call Alex, maybe, or take a walk, or I could call Winn and ask him to help me, really, I need help, but I –”

“Kara!” Lena shouts, and that’s what finally seems to get through to her, because then Kara is silent, staring over at Lena from the doorway to the bedroom with wide eyes. Lena finds herself at a loss for words. She never expected to actually make it this far. She has no plan.

After a second of deliberation, Lena forces out a sentence. “What did she… I mean, what did _I_ used to do?”

“What?”

“You said that she – that I used to help, right? I would help at times like these?”

Kara nods curtly and drops her arm down from where it’s taken root on her scalp. “Yeah. Yeah, you did.”

“Then what did I do? What did I used to do that helped you calm down?”

“Oh,” breathes Kara, and it seems as if with that one word, all the panic has left her body. “You always reminded me to focus on your heartbeat.”

“Mine? Not your own?”

Kara shakes her head, a sad smile on her face. “Not mine. Yours. I can hear everything, you know – the whole city. Before we got together, I used to hone into your heartbeat when I got stressed, and it would make everything a little better just knowing that you were safe. Then we got together and, I don’t know, I guess I let it slip one time, and then it stuck. You would remind me to focus on it whenever I got worried, and it… it really worked.”

The panic seems to have seeped back into Kara’s veins, because her words sound tight when she speaks again.

“B-but that won’t work now. I don’t have my powers, Lena. It’s so quiet and empty and I can’t hear anything at all. I can’t hear your heartbeat. It’s like it’s not even there.” She covers her face with her hands and takes a shaky breath, and Lena can’t focus on anything besides the fact that she wants to help. She _needs_ to help.

“It’s still here, Kara,” she reassures, taking slow steps towards the other woman until they’re standing so close that Lena could reach up and run her fingertips along the soft skin of Kara’s cheekbone. “I’m still here.”

The silence that comes after that is thick and awkward, and Lena thinks that it’s because neither of them want to recognize that the statement she just made isn’t true. She isn’t still here. Not really. Not in the way Kara needs her to be.

“Sorry,” Lena whispers. “I didn’t mean… I just meant that it’s still here. My heart is still beating.”

“Yeah,” Kara says, but Lena can tell that it isn’t doing anything to calm her down, so she employs another tactic.

“You could listen to it, you know. My heartbeat.”

That stops Kara suddenly, her panicked breathing suddenly coming to a halt. “What?”

“Having super-hearing isn’t the only way to listen to a heartbeat.” She takes a deep breath and sets her shoulders back, trying to look as confident as she possibly can. Maybe then Kara won’t be able to tell how completely, utterly out of her element she is.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you could come close and listen to my heart the way most human beings do.”

“Like – like as in me with my ear to your chest? L-like that way?”

Lena fights back the blush she can feel threatening to rise to her cheeks. “Yes, if you think that would help at all.”

“No,” Kara says, shaking her head a little too hard, like she’s trying to convince herself as much as she is Lena. “No, I couldn’t do that. You don’t have to do that, Lena. You don’t have to offer up something like that. I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine, and you don’t have to –”

“Would it help? If you could hear it for yourself?”

“Well, _yeah_ , but –”

“Then do it.”

Kara frowns. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Lena shakes her head and says simply, “You’re not.”

And it’s true. She’s telling the truth, because the fluttering feeling in her stomach isn’t there because she’s uncomfortable. At least, she doesn’t think it is. She thinks maybe it’s because she wants this more than she could ever admit. Because she hasn’t ever wanted anything more than to lay down with Kara.

Because if Kara were to say no, it might just break her in half.

Kara’s eyebrows are furrowed and her blue eyes are focused intently on Lena’s when, after a few seconds of deliberation, she asks softly, “Are you sure?”

Lena doesn’t think she can do more than nod, so that’s what she does as she walks over to the bed from where they’re both standing at the doorway. She doesn’t hear any movement at first, and for a second she’s scared that Kara doesn’t want this, that she won’t follow her, but then she hears soft scuffling footsteps that can only mean Kara is on her way to the bed, too.

They both get into the bed methodically, Lena pulling the covers up to her chest and settling in quickly. Then she and Kara are both lying on opposite sides of the bed, and she can feel the way the blonde is staring at her, but she can’t seem to tear her gaze away from the ceiling.

“Uh,” Kara stutters, “should I… do you want me to come to you?”

Lena still feels a little too nervous to speak, so gives another small nod. She doesn’t worry about whether Kara even sees it, because the way her weight shifts on the mattress tells her that Kara is definitely moving over. She scoots over inch by inch until they’re so close to touching that Lena can feel the warmth of Kara’s skin and smell the subtle vanilla scent that seems to wade off of her.

“Is this okay?” Kara asks, and her voice is a whisper.

“Yes,” Lena whispers back, and then Kara closes the distance between them, and Lena can feel the soft pressure of a body pressed up against her own.

Kara stays there for a moment, unmoving, as if she’s waiting for Lena to change her mind and flinch away, but after a few seconds with no recoil, she smiles and lets out a small sigh. She lowers her head onto Lena’s chest slowly, and there’s five agonizing seconds of anticipation before Lena feels Kara’s weight on top of her.

At first, she was a little worried that she might feel trapped like this, under Kara’s control with a solid pressure on her lungs keeping her pressed to the mattress, but she doesn’t. It doesn’t feel restrictive in the way she would expect it to – not at all. If anything, she just feels _warm_. She didn’t think she was particularly cold prior to this, but now she doesn’t know how she could ever go about without the gentle heat that Kara emits.

They lay there together in silence for a few seconds before Kara clears her throat to speak.

“Lena?” she asks, her voice hesitant and soft.

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

Lena just blinks, confused. “I’m fine. Why?”

“Well, it’s just that your heart is beating really fast.”

“Oh.”

“So, like, are you okay? Is something wrong?”

“No, I’m fine,” Lena blurts out quickly. Nothing could possibly be wrong, not here with Kara Danvers at her side. She curses her pulse for giving her away and tries to sound as collected as possible when she explains, “I’m a little nervous, I guess.”

“I’m sorry, we don’t have to do this,” Kara starts, pushing herself off of Lena’s chest. “I’ll get up, it’s totally –”

“No!” Lena finds herself latching a shaky hand onto Kara’s forearm. “Sorry, I’m sorry. Just… would you stay?”

Lena thinks she sees a smile on Kara’s face as she lowers herself back down on the mattress, but she isn’t sure until she hears it in Kara’s voice as she says, “Of course.” She settles back down, blonde hair tickling Lena’s neck as she twists into a comfortable position.

They sit in silence for a few more seconds before Kara says, “Lena, I think your heart is beating even faster now, if that’s possible. Are you sure you’re okay with this?” She doesn’t move her head from where it rests just below Lena’s collarbone, but the muscles are tensed in preparation to get up, anyway.

“Yes, yeah. I’m sure. I’ve just… I’ve never done this before.”

Lena can feel the change in the atmosphere then, as Kara murmurs sadly, “Right, of course.” This reaction tells Lena that she has _definitely_ done this before, that she and Kara must have been in this situations dozens of times in the past, and that Kara must be reliving the pain that comes with knowing her wife doesn’t remember a second of their time together.

“I’m sorry,” Lena repeats for what feels like the millionth time. “I really wish I could remember you.”

“It’s okay. Really.”

 _It’s not_ , Lena thinks, but she doesn’t want to say that out loud and embarrass herself, so she bites the inside of her cheek to keep quiet.

After a few moments, Kara breathes in deeply and says, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For this,” Kara explains, lifting her bandaged arm to gesture around herself at the position they’re in. “This is… well, this is really helping.”

“Yeah? Listening to my heart is really _that_ comforting?”

Kara laughs lightly and shakes her head. “I know you’re being sarcastic, but it really is. It always calms me down.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“No, nothing, just… you really just listen around for me whenever you feel stressed?”

“Uh,” Kara splutters, “well, um – yes? I mean, not in a creepy way! You said it was fine, back when I told you about it. But I guess you haven’t said it’s okay now, and you didn’t give me permission in the beginning of our friendship before you knew I was Supergirl, so, jeez, I’m sorry, I should –”

“Wait,” Lena interjects, furrowing her eyebrows. “What do you mean ‘before I knew you were Supergirl?’ We were close enough that my heartbeat calmed you down, but I didn’t know yet?”

Kara sighs dejectedly. “Yeah. I’m sorry. It’s one of my biggest regrets, actually, that I didn’t tell you earlier, but that doesn’t make up for it. I’m really, _really_ sorry, though.”

Lena doesn’t acknowledge the apology, even though she knows that Kara must be feeling terrible about it. Instead she says, “What’s the story there?”

“With us?”

Lena nods.

“Well, you know we met after the crash, right?”

“Right.”

“Everything kind of… spiraled from there, I guess. We met for the first time, and I knew you were going to be important to me. I could feel it in my bones. So I kept trying to make excuses for us to see each other again. I would ask my boss for interviews with you, and we met for lunch, and texted, and then we just… stuck,” she says, a smile creeping onto her face. “We became best friends.”

Lena wants to accept that, but the question of _why_ she didn’t know still burns in her lungs. “But I didn’t know?”

“No. I wasn’t brave enough to tell you yet.”

“Oh.” She takes a deep breath and tries to sound as calm as possible when she asks, “When did you tell me, then?”

Kara sighs sadly. “That’s a long story.”

Lena shrugs. “I’ve got time.”

“Yeah,” says Kara, laughing lightly. “I guess you do.” She takes a deep breath and sits silently for a few seconds before she speaks, and it strikes Lena that Kara is taking a break specifically to listen to her heartbeat to calm her down, like listening to the pulsing beat in Lena’s chest will give her the courage to go on.

“Okay, do you know about the Daxamite invasion? And how you created the device that saved us all and drove them away?”

Lena feels herself blush when she replies, “Yes.” Does Kara really think so highly of her to insinuate that she was Earth’s sole savior?

“Cool, right. Well, my – uh – boyfriend, I guess? My boyfriend at the time was also a Daxamite.” She takes a breath before remembering something and rushing to clarify, “Not an evil one! He wasn’t evil, although I guess he wasn’t really good, either. He was kind of a jerk.

“Anyway, the point was that he had to leave, too, when your device drove the other Daxamites away. And I was upset, obviously, and _you_ were upset because you thought that I would hate you. You thought that it was all your fault that he left, that I didn’t have any say in the situation, but I did! I did. Supergirl pressed the button, you know. _I_ made that choice to douse the atmosphere in lead, not you.” Her words are firm, like she’s still trying to convince Lena of the fact, as if Lena might still believe it was her fault, even though she can’t remember it. Still, Lena guesses that it’s only fair that Kara is acting like this, because even now with no memories of the time, Lena is fairly convinced that it _was_ her fault.

Kara continues on. “You were drunk one night after it happened, and you called me up on the phone. You kept saying you were sorry, you were _so_ sorry, that you just wanted to be there for me. You were so upset, and you were crying and… Lena, I could never watch you cry.” She takes a shuddering breath, like this is the hardest thing she’s ever had to say. “So, I told you. I had to tell you, so you would believe that I wasn’t mad at you, that it wasn’t your fault. I had to tell you I was Supergirl so you would stop blaming yourself. And I’m so glad I did it now, but at the time… I didn’t know if I was ever going to get you back.”

“What?” Lena asks, a little confused. “I didn’t have a problem with Supergirl, right?”

“No, no, you didn’t have a problem with Supergirl. You were that mad because I lied to you for so long. You spent two weeks thinking you had ruined everything by sending him away without my permission, and I let you keep thinking that without correcting you because I was too scared to lose you. You had every right to be mad, okay? I was just so scared of living a life without you in it. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Why’d you think you were going to lose me?”

Kara swallows roughly. “I mean, I’d lied to you for a whole year at that point, and… well, you know your history with betrayal.” Kara freezes for a moment, obviously remembering something, because then she asks, “Wait, um – d-do you? Know your history with betrayal? Did you read the packet?”

Lena clenches her jaw, willing herself not to get overwhelmed in remembering the names of all the people who’d apparently betrayed her, who’d used her and lied to her like she meant nothing. “I did.”

“Oh,” says Kara. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“Right. So, then you know why I was so scared to tell you that I had betrayed you, too, by not telling you the truth earlier.”

“Well, why didn’t you? If you knew I was going to react badly, why not tell me up front?”

“I…”

“Was it because I’m a Luthor?” Lena asks, and she can feel moisture threatening to drip down her cheeks.

“No!” Kara is quick to assure her, lifting her head off of Lena’s chest so that they’re only inches apart, staring into each other’s eyes. There’s nothing in sincerity on Kara’s face when she says, “No, I swear, that wasn’t it.”

“Then why?”

“I was selfish,” she admits, closing her eyes as she says it.

“What?”

“I was selfish,” Kara repeats. “I wanted to keep you for myself. I wanted our relationship to stay exactly the way it was, where you loved me just because I was _Kara_ , not because I could do amazing things as Supergirl. People always treated me differently when they found out, and…” She forces out an awkward chuckle. “Well, I know we were just friends then, but I loved the way you looked at me.”

“The way I looked at you?”

Kara smiles softly at the memory. “Yeah. You looked at me like maybe you’d loved me in another life. Like maybe I could one day be lucky enough for you to love me in this one, too.” Lena thinks that Kara might pause to let her digest that, but she rushes on. “I thought that once you found out about Supergirl, about the tangled history our families had, that would go away. You’d never look at me like that again. There’s no way a Luthor would ever want to be with a Super.”

The first thought that pops up in Lena’s mind is, _That’s ridiculous_. _If anything, it would be the other way around._ Still, she ignores it, because all that comes out of her mouth is a reverent question. “You had a crush on me?”

The skin around Kara’s eyes crinkles up as she laughs, like she’s just heard the silliest thing in the world. “How could I not?”

“But… but you were dating What’s-His-Name.”

“What’s-His-Name?” Kara repeats, chuckling.

“Well,” Lena teases, “I have it on good authority that he was kind of a jerk, so I’m not sure I’d even want to know his name at all.”

Lena expects Kara to shoot back a quick retort or even just laugh at the joke, but she doesn’t say anything. Kara stares at her like she’s seeing a miracle, blue eyes darting all around her face until they settle down at her lips.

Lena feels incapable of speech for a few moments, frozen in time watching the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen stare down at her lips like she’d like to kiss her. Who knows? Maybe she does.

She eventually manages to croak out a soft, “Kara?” which doesn’t move the blonde’s gaze from her lips, but Kara hums softly to let her know that she heard her.

“Yes?”

Lena swallows hard. “You… you were saying?” She sucks her lower lip in between her teeth, biting down hard enough that it hurts, but not enough to draw blood.

That’s what eventually shakes Kara out of her trance, because then blue eyes are blinking rapidly and a blush spreads over Kara’s cheeks.

“Oh! Oh, right. I was dating Mon-el.” She laughs awkwardly, avoiding Lena’s gaze as she continues. “Yeah. I mean, I really did like him – which was honestly just poor judgement on my part – but, deep down, I think I was with him so I wouldn’t have to be in pain over not being with you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Then… then why _weren’t_ you with me? If I looked at you the way you said I did, you obviously had a chance.”

Kara shakes her head roughly at that. “I didn’t. I couldn’t possibly have started a relationship with you while lying about who I was.”

“What, so you’re saying you didn’t think we could be together if I knew, but also if I didn’t?”

“Yeah,” Kara says, seemingly considering the options. “Yeah, I guess.”

“So, either way I was off limits? Not telling me didn’t change anything?”

“Pretty much.”

Lena’s face stretches into a teasing smile. “So… why is it again you didn’t tell me?”

Kara splutters. “I – I, well, I don’t know! It seemed like a better option at the time, I guess?”

“Oh, did it?”

“You’re using too much logic, here, Lena. Please try to remember that I was too in love with you to think straight.”

“What, and now you’re not?”

“Well, it has been four whole years. I like to think that I evolved to my environment, like how birds that eat big seeds evolved to have big beaks, you know? That’s me, only instead of growing a beak, I learned how to do my times tables even when I’m distracted thinking about how much I love you.”

Lena is about to start explaining that that’s not how evolution works - that evolutionary adaptations develop on a species level and that individuals don’t gain or lose characteristics like that in their own lifetimes but rather over hundreds of thousands of years - but then she processes the last part of the sentence and her mind goes blank.

“Oh,” she finds herself saying, and it feels like the air has been knocked out of her lungs.

Kara is already apologizing, her words coming out a mile a minute. “Oh no, I’m so sorry, Lena, I don’t know why I said that. You don’t have to say anything back or anything, okay? We can forget I said anything. I’m so sorry.” She pauses for a moment, waiting for Lena to answer, but she’s met with silence. After a few seconds she asks, “Are you… are you okay?”

“Yes, yeah, sorry,” Lena manages to get out eventually. “I’m sorry. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Kara presses, lines of worry set deep in her forehead.

“Yeah, I’m good.” It’s almost surprising to Lena how much it doesn’t feel like a lie, like maybe she really is okay. “Are you?”

Kara exhales with relief, and every last ounce of stress seems to disappear from her face. “Yeah,” she replies. “I think I’m getting there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading !!!! hmu on twitter @homosectional for updates on me crying over supercorp and what to do for this story


	7. Kara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Lena wake up after the day after the solar flare and find some time to talk. Lena wonders if she can go see what's left of her old life in Metropolis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rose from titanic voice* it's been 84 years...
> 
> i promise i didn't abandon this story !!! i think me culture is making you guys wait a billion years in between chapters and then dropping 11k on u all at once bc idk how to space things out. so... oops ??? hope u guys enjoy???

The world is ending.

Kara can’t focus on anything besides the fact that the sky is falling, and the ground is shaking and there’s so much adrenaline pumping through her veins that it feels like she might die. Well, if the world is ending, _of course_ she might die. It’s kind of implied, right?

Kara’s mother tugs on her arm, and the sweaty palm wrapped tightly around her wrist pulls her out of her own thoughts and into the space launch station. They settle in front of a pod just as she sees another one shooting out of the station, launching itself into an endless night sky.

It takes her a moment to remember that the pod that just sped off is Kal-El’s. Her baby cousin Kal-El is in that pod. She and Kal-El are being sent to Earth.

Kara hears her father clear his throat as he plants his hands firmly on her shoulders, leaning down so they’re eye level with each other. If Kara weren’t so terrified, she might be focused on the fact that it feels like it’s been decades since she’s seen his intense blue eyes staring back at her.

“Your pod’s coordinates are interlocked with Kal-El’s,” he says, his voice firm and unwavering even in this chaos, steady in a way that shouldn’t be possible under these conditions. “You will follow him to Earth.”

“I’m not afraid, Father,” Kara hears herself tell him. She hopes he doesn’t know how hard her heart is beating in her chest right now, because he’s always been strict about lying. She straightens her back and puffs out her chest, hopeful that maybe looking brave will make her feel that way, too.

Her father nods resolutely and releases her from his grasp, and then her mother takes her turn and pulls her close, warm hands bearing down on her shoulders yet again.

“The trip is long,” she says, “but you’ll sleep most of the way and we’ll be with you in your dreams. You’ll journey to Earth to look after your baby cousin, Kal-El. Because of the Earth’s yellow sun, you’ll have great powers on this planet.” She smiles sadly. “You will do extraordinary things.”

“I won’t fail Kal-El, or you,” Kara assures her, and her mother smiles back at her as if to say, _I know_.

She doesn’t say that aloud, though. Instead she says simply, “I love you, Kara,” like it’s imperative that Kara know that now. There’s another boom that comes from the ground and the world around them seems to tremble in fear, like it too is terrified of what’s to come. Her mother’s face turns stony. “You must go,” she warns. “Now.”

Kara is frozen in time for a moment, tears beginning to pool at her eyes as she stares at her mother for what she knows will be the last time. Her mother must know exactly what she’s thinking, because she pulls her into a quick hug – arms wrapped tighter around her body than might have been comfortable in other circumstances – before releasing her and commanding, “Go!”

When she doesn’t move, her father steps in and gives her a gentle push towards the pod, which is just enough for Kara to remind herself to move. She needs to go. Now.

She feels herself stumble into the pod as the lid closes around her, and now all she can hear is a muffled explosion and her own shallow breathing. This is it. This is the moment that she’ll remember forever – the moment where she leaves her family and friends and entire world behind, never to be seen again.

 _If this is the last time that I’ll ever see any of this again,_ she thinks, _then I should at least get a good look at it before it’s gone forever._

She turns her head to the right to look over at her parents, both smiling through their tears at her and clutching tightly at the other’s hand. Kara breathes in roughly and steels herself. She can do this.

She can look at the two people she loves most in the world and know that she’ll never see them again. She can look at the arched entrance to the launch station that was lit up with colored lights for the Nova Celebration just two weeks ago but is now lit up by the orange glow of a devastating fire not too far away. She can look at the night sky with all her favorite constellations, at the landing strip that used to welcome her and her father back from the various planets they would visit, at Lena sitting to the left of the pod, tied up with rope.

Lena?

Kara feels her body jolt with another surge of adrenaline when her vision glosses over a figure with hair darker than the night sky. Lena. She’s here.

“Lena!” she calls out instinctually. Logically, she knows that it would take an act of Rao for Lena to hear her through the chaos and the reinforced glass of the pod she’s in, but by some miracle the brunette looks up at her and meets her eyes.

She doesn’t smile. She doesn’t wave or frown or give any sort of hint that she’s feeling much of anything. In fact, with the empty expression written on her features like this, it doesn’t look much like Lena at all.

“Lena!” she calls again as the pod begins to vibrate, the purr of the engine rumbling in her bones. She feels herself pushed forward by the seatback as the pod begins to accelerate, and the notion that her pod will be miles away any minute now, thrust into the cold vastness of outer space, triples the panic in her veins. “Lena!” she calls, her hands frantically roaming around the control panel looking for a ‘stop’ button. She has to stop. She has to get out. She can’t leave – not with Lena still there. She’s not supposed to be there.

Lena doesn’t seem to hear her, because she just keeps staring with that same empty look in her eyes. Kara calls out for her again, but it still seems like Lena can’t hear her, so she focuses her efforts on trying to get out of the pod. She slams her hands down on the front console, searching for any button that might get her out of this, but nothing seems to have any effect. Something inside of her breaks when she feels the pod rise above the track it was on and pass through the exit of the space station. There’s no going back from this.

She can’t watch them all die, not everyone she’s ever loved. Her mother, her father, her friends and cousins and grandparents. And Lena – her Lena. She can’t watch Lena die.

Kara turns her body and pounds her fists on the walls of the pod as she begs, trying hopelessly to find a voice command that will override the ship’s instructions and let her out. She knows she’s already left Krypton’s atmosphere, that even if the pod did open up for her, it wouldn’t help anything, she’d just die along with the rest of her planet. Still, she can’t stop. Something inside her is screaming to keep trying, that she can still rescue them all if she really puts her mind to it. That, even if she can’t, she can at least be with the people she loves in their final moments.

“Lena!” she finds herself yelling, her voice hoarse from overuse and cracking as tears rush down her face. “Lena! I’m coming back for you!” she cries, but she’s too far away to even see her, let alone for Lena to hear her promise.

“Lena!”

The explosion comes suddenly, without warning. The red-hot blast of her planet being destroyed is brighter than anything she’s ever seen.

She doesn’t have the sense to look away.

~

Kara wakes with a start, her pulse thumping wildly in her ears as she tries to steady her breath. There are tears streaming down her cheeks already, even though she’s positive she’s only been awake for a few seconds at most. The pain of losing her whole world burns anew in her veins, because even though she knows now – with the light of a yellow sun streaming through her window – that the dream wasn’t real, that doesn’t mean the events it depicted didn’t happen. They happened.

Her whole world was destroyed.

Another tear drips down the side of her face as she remembers her mother, the way she was wrapped in the tightest hug she’d ever known right before the worst experience of her entire life. The only solace she has now is that she knows Lena isn’t dead, but even then, that doesn’t mean everything is okay, because Lena is still –

Here?

Lena is here.

Kara blinks a few times and stares down at her body to find Lena wrapped around her, her head resting on Kara’s chest and an arm draped lightly over her waist. Sprawled-out dark hair is tickling her neck and she’s sure Lena is drooling on her a bit, but she can’t help but grin, anyway. She wouldn’t have it any other way. Even now, less than a minute after waking up from a nightmare that’s been haunting her for nearly twenty years, she can feel herself begin to relax. If she focuses on the warm weight on her chest and the soft heartbeat in her ears, she can really start to believe that everything will be okay. Lena is the answer to her prayers.

It takes her a moment to process the fact that she can hear Lena’s heartbeat again and realize that her powers have returned, that the energy brimming inside of her isn’t just because of the woman beside her, but also from the power that only a yellow sun can supply. She plans to lie there for as long as possible to savor the touch she’s been so desperately missing this past week, but not even five seconds pass before Kara realizes an infuriating itch on her forearm, right underneath the splint that she fell asleep wearing. As does everyone who tries to ignore an itch, she quickly realizes that the only solution here is to scratch at it.

But how can she do that without waking up Lena?

Kara’s non-bandaged left arm is held captive under Lena’s body, and the hand attached to it rests gently on Lena’s shoulder, encouraging the woman to lean into her. There’s no way to get her arm out from under Lena without waking her, and reaching over with her splinted arm to remove it will just leave the noisy task of un-velcroing the bandage to be done right next to her ears. Lena is sleeping soundly beside her, and really, Kara would have to be a monster to wake her right now.

She decides that her only option here is to try to slip the splint off as quietly as possible, so she lifts her hips up above the mattress so that her body arches away from it like a bridge and slips her bandaged arm underneath herself before dropping her weight back onto the bed. Now that her arm is caught between her back and the mattress, she thinks that it won’t be too hard to simply pull her arm out of the splint while she keeps it hostage underneath her.

It only takes her a minute and a half of frustrated twisting and pulling before she realizes that she thought wrong. It’s just not going to work like that.

She tries a few other options – rotating her arm in the splint so as to use the friction it creates to soothe her itch, holding the splint between her thighs and trying to pull her arm out with sheer force, and she even briefly considers heat-visioning the bandage off of her before realizing that if the heat and light didn’t wake Lena, the smoke alarms definitely would.

Eventually she has to admit defeat and accept that the only way to get this splint off without moving Lena is to bite at the Velcro with her teeth and unfasten herself that way. Will it wake Lena up? Probably. Will she look stupid doing it? Most likely. Is it the best option she has? Pretty much.

She only just starts to unfasten the first strap of the splint before Lena registers the noise and shoots up off of Kara’s chest with a gasp and a sharply sworn, “Shit!”

“Sorry!” Kara immediately finds herself saying. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’m really, really, sorry.” She sits up slowly so as not to frighten Lena any more than she already has and raises her arms up above her head to show her that she’s empty-handed. “It’s just me, promise.”

Lena exhales forcefully and presses her hand to her heart for a few seconds before turning to Kara with a vaguely annoyed expression on her face and demanding, “What the hell?”

“Sorry!” Kara says again. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just needed to get this off so I could –” She pauses to tear the splint off of her and scratch at a piece of skin right below her elbow and then sighs dramatically. “– do that. Oh, jeez, that feels so much better.”

Lena cocks an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything.

“Sorry,” Kara says again, a sheepish smile forming on her lips.

The other woman just shakes her head at herself and runs a hand through her tousled hair. “It’s alright. I just wasn’t expecting that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Is that all you say?”

“No,” Kara is quick to reassure, before realizing that she isn’t proving anything, and more words come tumbling out of her mouth. “No, I mean, I say other things. Lots of things – actually, lots of people tell me I say too many things. Alex is always telling me that I need to learn to shut up, but I guess that’s not what you’re asking. I mean – sorry – can I start over? I just wanted to know if you’re okay.”

“I should be the one asking you that question.”

“What?” Kara stares at her in confusion for a moment before Lena flits her gaze down to where the splint was just five seconds ago and then back up into Kara’s eyes. “Oh! The – my wrist! Yes, yeah, I’m okay.” She waves at Lena with the offending hand and gives her a small smile. “Good as new, see?”

Lena nods and flashes her a polite smile, but Kara can see the questions in her eyes as they follow her newly healed arm. She suppresses a chuckle at Lena’s thinly veiled curiosity, because she looks exactly the way she did the first time she saw Kara recover an injury like that in a day. It’s only logical that she’s trying to work out the mechanics of Kryptonian healing, because that’s the kind of person she is. Kara offers her arm out for her to see, but as soon as she does, Lena stiffens and shakes her head at herself.

“Sorry,” she murmurs. “I didn’t mean –”

“No, it’s okay,” Kara interrupts, smiling when Lena lifts her head up to make eye contact. “I was curious when I got here, too. Do you want to…?”

Lena hesitates for a moment before seemingly deciding that Kara’s offer is genuine and reaching out to run her fingertips along soft skin. The second they touch, Kara can feel her cells jolt alive with energy, as if they get their sustenance from Lena and not –

“The sun?”

“What?” Kara blurts out, distracted. “What’d you say?”

“The sun,” Lena repeats. “You get your powers from the sun, right?”

She hums in agreement. “Mhm. My cells react to this planet’s yellow sun differently than humans’ do.”

“You’re photosynthetic,” Lena remarks, awe evident in her voice before she bites at her lower lip and begins to mutter to herself. “But how different must the mechanism be if its most efficient wavelength is that of a yellow sun? And if a red sun leaves you powerless…” She pauses for a moment before letting out a short laugh. “Assuming the basics of Kryptonian anatomy resemble our own, your photosynthetic pigments wouldn’t happen to be in your red blood cells, would they?”

Kara finds herself beaming. “Wow – I – yes! Gosh, Lena, I know you’re a genius, but sometimes I forget exactly how smart you are.”

Lena shakes her head, but the smile doesn’t disappear from her face. “No, I’m not really, I’m just…” She stops and shakes her head before interjecting with another thought. “Sorry, I’m really curious – I’m guessing Kryptonian and human blood types aren’t compatible, right?”

“Right.”

“Shame. Even so, have you broached the idea of how to go about the hemolysis? For pigment extraction, I mean. Obviously we can’t use traditional methods for something as virtually indestructible as Kryptonian cells, but imagine all that could come of it if we figured it out. Think of the medical applications, the way we could basically cure world hunger or – or, oh, I hadn’t even considered your mitochondrial efficiency!” She stares up into Kara’s eyes, excitement tangible in every ounce of her being before she seems to process something in Kara’s face and forces out a self-deprecating laugh. “Sorry, I got carried away.”

“No, no,” Kara assures, “it’s nice to see you like this.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, it really is.”

They sit there for a moment, Kara’s arm still resting lightly in Lena’s lap where nimble fingers run over the skin absently, like Lena doesn’t even realize what she’s doing.

“Thank you,” Kara says eventually. She can feel her heart bursting at the seams with all the love she has for her wife, and she has to do something to relieve it.

“Hm? What for?”

“For last night, I mean. I just… I wanted to thank you. I was feeling pretty terrible, and you really helped me out. So, thank you.”

Lena shakes her head sadly and stares down at her lap. “You don’t have to say that.”

“What?”

“It’s fine, really.”

“I don’t… Lena, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m just saying you don’t have to comfort me.” Lena lifts her head to glance over at Kara briefly, clearly waiting for a response, but when she doesn’t reply, she sighs and continues. “I mean, I’m not really your Lena,” she says simply. It isn’t a question, rather a statement of something Kara can tell she believes with her whole being. “It can’t possibly be the same for you, having her versus having me.”

Kara shakes her head aggressively as soon as Lena finishes her sentence. “No, that’s not –”

“Really, Kara, it’s alright. I know I can’t have the same healing touch as your Lena.”

“But you do!”

Either Lena doesn’t process the information, or she really can’t believe the words coming out of Kara’s mouth, because she stumbles out a skeptical-sounding laugh followed by a, “What?”

“You do,” Kara repeats. “I know you don’t believe it, but you’re still the same Lena I – ” She stops herself. She had been about to finish her sentence with, ‘ _the same Lena I love,’_ but she’s sure that wouldn’t go over well. The last time she let it slip that she loves Lena, the other woman seemed about ready to pass out. It kind of hurts Kara’s heart to think about the fact that Lena seems so uncomfortable with the concept of someone loving her, like she’s never even imagined it possible for someone to care about her. It hurts even more when she realizes that she’s right about that, how she knows that that’s exactly what Lena must be thinking right now.

She shakes her head and clears her throat, choosing to continue on rather than focus on something that will only make her sad. “You’re still the same Lena I know,” she finishes.

Lena doesn’t say anything after that, just sits there and stares down at her hands, seemingly processing what’s been said. After about twenty seconds, Kara gets nervous.

“Are you okay?”

It takes Lena a few seconds to answer, this time, but eventually she’s nodding and saying, “I think so. Yes.”

“Really?”

Lena gives her a shy smile and a curt nod, but her eyes look open and vulnerable, like she’s telling the truth. “Really. I feel better today.”

Kara can’t help the overwhelming grin that sneaks onto her face as she hears that. “That – that’s great, I’m so glad! I’m really happy you’re feeling better.” She knows she should take the win, take the fact that Lena has told her about her feelings at all, but she can’t help the curiosity that buzzes in her mind when she hears that Lena’s doing better today. What happened to help her feel more comfortable, and how can Kara make sure that it happens as often as possible? “Is it… is it because of something in particular? Or…?”

Lena has no outward reaction to the question at first, but then Kara can hear her heartbeat stutter in her ears for a moment before the tempo picks up and Lena’s heart begins to beat vigorously in her chest.

Kara is quick to retract her statement when she realizes that the increase in Lena’s pulse was definitely because the question made her uncomfortable. “Sorry, it’s none of my business. You don’t have to say anything. What do you say to me making breakfast for us?”

Lena doesn’t answer for a moment and Kara chides herself for pushing. She knew it was a bad idea, knew that Lena wouldn’t want to share, but she just couldn’t help it. This past week without being able to talk to her best friend – to hug her and kiss her and tell her how much she loves her – has been torture. Yes, Lena is still here with her physically, but it’s like all her emotional walls have been rebuilt to be ten times as thick; the fact that she’s so close and yet so far away might just be one of the most painful things that Kara’s ever been through.

Just as Kara is about to speak up and apologize again, Lena takes a deep breath. “It’s alright,” she says softly, staring down at her hands tangled in her lap. “It’s just… well, it makes me sound like kind of an asshole.” She lets out a self-deprecating chuckle and shrugs.

Kara almost laughs. “Yeah, well that’s impossible. You could never be anything like that.”

“No?” Lena asks, quirking an eyebrow.

“Nope,” Kara replies, crossing her arms. “Never.”

“I think some might disagree with you.”

“Well, then they’d be wrong,” Kara says decisively. She might be imagining things, but she’s pretty sure she saw Lena release the tiniest bit of tension from her shoulders as she exhaled. And if saying these sorts of things can help Lena feel even the tiniest bit better, then she doesn’t think she’ll ever stop talking. “I’m serious,” she continues. “You could never be… _that_ , even if some people are idiots and might think so. You’re the best person I know.”

Lena rolls her eyes playfully. “Oh, really?”

“Scout’s honor.” Kara raises up three fingers and presses her other hand to her heart.

Lena shakes her head. “Were you really a girl scout?”

“Well, not _technically_. Girl Scouts weren’t really a thing on Krypton. But Supergirl has dropped in on lots of troop meetings and I’ve definitely eaten more Thin Mints than humanly possible, so I think that counts, right?”

“I think you might be right.”

There’s silence for a few moments after that, and just as Kara decides to change the topic and offer up choices for breakfast, Lena takes a deep breath and begins.

“I know it’s awful of me to think this – and I’m not saying I’m glad you were upset last night – but… well, I think it’s easier for me that you were.”

If this were under normal circumstances, Kara would set her hand atop Lena’s right now, or maybe wrap her in a hug, or kiss her forehead – anything to show her that she’s here and that she cares. However, these are not normal circumstances, so Kara simply ignores the crushing weight in her chest in reaction to Lena’s pain and murmurs a soft hum in a pathetic attempt to let Lena know that she’s listening and is always here for her.

Lena purses her lips before clearing her throat and continuing. “I don’t know. I kind of thought you were perfect. I mean, you’re beautiful and funny and kind and _quite literally_ a superhero, and I’m… not. I’m… well, I’m a little broken, honestly.”

“Lena…”

“But it’s sort of comforting to know that you’re a little broken, too.”

Kara takes a moment to process the words, shock and pride swishing around in her brain like oil and water at the fact that Lena has allowed herself to be so vulnerable with her after just a week. She doesn’t know how exactly to word the combination of everything she’s feeling, but Lena seems to take the silence as disappointment, or worse, anger, because her pulse rockets and her voice sounds cold when she speaks again.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. It was inappropriate of me to… I should go.”

“No, no,” Kara finds herself pleading, her hands reaching out as she feels Lena’s weight shift on the bed as she gets up to leave. “I’m sorry, I’m not upset or anything. I’m… I’m really happy, actually.”

Lena shifts back into her position on the bed and swallows. “You are?” she asks, her voice just an inch short of the unaffected tone Kara knows she’s aiming for.

“Yeah, I am. I’m really happy that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me.”

Lena doesn’t seem to know how to respond to that, just purses her lips in the way that lets Kara know she’s biting at the inside of her cheek, so Kara decides to ease the pressure off of her by speaking next.

“I don’t know about you, but I think I’m dying of starvation.” Lena seems to exhale a little at that, a half-smile painting itself on her cheeks. “I can go make breakfast while you get ready, if you’d like. Sound good to you?”

Lena nods. “Yes, thank you.” She straightens her back and unfolds her legs from underneath herself, clearly preparing to extract herself from the bed. Kara takes this as her cue to get out of bed, too, and she gets out, inhaling sharply as an idea pops into her mind.

“You know what I could go for?” Kara asks, and Lena shakes her head. “Sticky buns from Noonan’s.”

Lena raises an eyebrow. “Sticky buns? For breakfast?”

“Yes! I’ll have you know that they’re delicious, and what is breakfast if not a time to treat yourself? I’ll pick you up the blueberry oatmeal you like from Walt’s – or do you want your yogurt instead?”

Lena looks almost confused when she asks, “What?”

“Oatmeal,” Kara repeats, “or yogurt, if you’d prefer that. You know, the Greek yogurt you like? The one with the chia seeds and banana? Or you could – oh.” Kara shakes her head, chiding herself yet again once she remembers the painfully obvious fact that Lena has no memory of the past six years. Of course she doesn’t know what Kara’s talking about, she doesn’t remember any of it.

“Sorry, I forgot. They serve this yogurt you like at Walt’s diner. Also oatmeal. I just sort of assumed you’d want one of those, but I can get you something else, if you’d like! Do you want me to look up the menu so you can decide what you want?”

The curious look on Lena’s face doesn’t waver. “I thought you were getting Sticky buns from Noonan’s.”

“I am!” Kara affirms. “But you don’t like anything too sweet for breakfast, so I always get you something else. Walt’s is only like a block away.” She softens her voice as she realizes that the reason Lena seems confused is probably because she can’t remember anyone doing anything like this for her; she doesn’t remember anyone going out of their way just for her without being asked. “Is that okay?”

“Oh,” Lena says, and Kara can see realization dawn in her face as she nods. “Yes, I – thank you, Kara. That’s very nice of you.”

Kara represses the urge to scream over Lena’s reaction and decides to smile at her instead. If Lena hasn’t been shown how good she is, how _deserving_ of good she is, then Kara will just have to show her herself.

~

Their breakfast is uneventful, for the most part. Kara flies across town to pick up the food and they eat together quietly, not saying much of anything. Kara is pleasantly surprised to find that nothing has changed in this respect since Lena lost her memory, because the silence doesn’t feel awkward at all – at least not on her end. She worries briefly that Lena might feel uncomfortable, but her heartrate stays steady through the entire ordeal, which is reassuring. A few times Lena looks up from her oatmeal just as Kara looks up from her own food, and she curves her lips into a smile that brings out her dimples in the most adorable way. Each time that happens, Kara has to spend the next minute trying to quiet the spike of warmth that rises in her belly.

After Kara finishes all twelve of her sticky buns, she licks her fingers clean with enthusiasm and Lena’s cheeks flush cherry-blossom pink. Kara can only imagine what her wife was thinking and can’t help but blush a little of her own at that, so she takes the opportunity to wipe her face off with her napkin. If Lena notices, she doesn’t say anything.

Lena’s pulse starts to pick up after Kara picks up their plates for them, and at first Kara assumes that it’s leftover nervousness from earlier, but as she continues cleaning up from this morning and her wife’s heartrate doesn’t settle, she begins to doubt that that’s the case.

“Lena?” she asks eventually, after she finishes washing their utensils. She’s about to ask if something is wrong when Lena takes a deep breath and begins speaking.

“Kara,” Lena says coolly, as if her heart isn’t racing, “I was wondering if I could ask you something.”

Kara finds herself nodding immediately. “Anything. Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong. I’ve just – well, I know this is my life, now, being the CEO of a multi-billion-dollar company…” She takes a beat to gather herself before going on. “Among other things.”

When Lena doesn’t continue, Kara hums in agreement. “Yes.”

“However, this all seems rather sudden to me.”

Kara bites her cheek to suppress a frown from surfacing on her lips. Lena hates nothing more than she hates being pitied. “Yeah, I – I know. I’m sorry. Dr. Gomez gave me a few numbers to call that he said might be helpful for you, if you’d like –”

Lena shakes her head immediately. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that my life has changed so much, virtually overnight, and I’d really appreciate it if I could have the opportunity to… to go see what’s left of my old life.” She takes a deep breath. “I guess what I want to ask is, would you take me to see Metropolis?”

Kara doesn’t have to think about it before she hears herself reply, “Of course. Anything you need.”

Lena seems taken aback by this, because the first thing she says is, “Really?”

Kara nods ardently and reaches across the kitchen island to offer out her hand. “Yes, really. Of course. I – I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I mean, I know what it’s like to…” _lose everything you’ve ever known_ , she wants to finish, but she can’t. _This isn’t about you,_ she thinks. _This is about Lena. You have to be there for Lena._ “This must be really hard, and I want to be here for you in any way I can.”

Lena nods politely, but doesn’t take the offered hand, so Kara retracts it and shoots her a smile.

“Thank you,” Lena says. “That means a lot.”

“Is there anything in specific you wanna go see?”

“Yes, actually. I’d really like to see what happened to the lab I used to work in, and maybe my old apartment, and…” She hesitates.

“And?”

“And I’d like to see Jack’s grave, if that’s okay.” Her mouth is pressed into a thin nervous line and her eyes are determined, like she’s doing everything in her power to keep them emotionless.

Kara finds herself speechless for a moment, which Lena seems to have expected, because she’s immediately clarifying herself.

“You don’t have to come in with me, obviously I can go by myself. It’s just that I know he was buried in the Metropolis City Cemetery, and –”

“No, no, stop. Lena, of course I’ll go with you.”

This seems to surprise the brunette yet again, because she says, “What?”

“I said I’ll go with you. To see Jack.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. I’m here for you, no matter what, okay? I mean, if you want to be alone, that’s obviously fine! I won’t tag along if you don’t want me there, but if you’re okay with it, I’d really like to… to be with you for that.”

Lena looks pleasantly surprised when she says, “Thank you.”

“Of course. So, um, was there… I mean, did you want to go now? If it were summer, I might just fly us over by myself, but it’s pretty cold right now and I don’t want you to get sick. I’m sure if I asked J’onn if I could borrow his ship, he’d let us take that. Is that cool with you?”

Lena has nothing but wonder in her eyes when she says, “Sorry, did you mean ‘ship’ as in… spaceship?”

Kara grins.

~

The first five minutes they spend in J’onn’s ship are spent with Kara answering Lena’s endless questions about space travel, and more specifically, a spaceship capable of interplanetary travel that flawlessly transforms into a 1950’s convertible.

(“This ship can travel faster than _the speed of light_?”

“Yup!”

“But… God, how can the hardware possibly withstand that amount of force?”

“Mass reduction techniques, mostly.”

“ _Mostly_?!”

“Well, the hull is also made of Aldebaran steel.”

“And that would be…?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s just Iron, Chromium, and Prasakinum.”

“Prasakinum? I don’t think I’m familiar with that compound.”

“Oh, right, it’s an element native to Aldebara. Its atomic number is… I wanna say 176?”

“One hundred and – Jesus, how on earth could that be stable?”

“Oh, it’s definitely not. Especially not on Earth.”

Lena raises her hands to cup her cheeks and doesn’t speak for a long moment, and when she finally does, it’s just to say, “Humans don’t know anything, do we?”

Kara lets loose a barking laugh, and she doesn’t think there can be anything more beautiful than the shining smile on Lena’s face when she hears it.)

At first, Kara is a little worried that the easy back-and-forth conversation and quiet joy they shared in the ship will disappear once they land in front of Lena’s old lab just outside Metropolis. Then the worry turns into fear that sinks deep down into her stomach when she sees that the building has clearly been abandoned, that it’s clearly not the same place that Lena remembers. Only… Lena doesn’t seem _upset_ , exactly. Kara doesn’t know how to describe the emotion she’s feeling, because her eyes are full of something unplaceable when she reaches her hand out to rest her palm against the cool concrete wall of the building.

Kara wants to ask, “Are you sure this is it?” because maybe they can find a better truth if this _isn’t_ it, but it’s the only establishment at the end of a long, long, driveway, and even though most everything is overgrown by weeds, it’s distinctive in a way that means one couldn’t possibly mistake it for something else. This is it. This is the last thing Lena remembers as being important to her – and it’s gone, too.

“Lena, are you –”

“Can we go inside?”

Kara just blinks. Maybe she’s misunderstanding something. “Inside? Lena, sweetie, there’s no one there. It’s going to be empty.”

“I know,” she replies after a moment, something harsh in her tone. She lifts her hand away from the concrete wall, but her gaze stays glued from the front entrance. Her voice is softer when she says, “I just need to see it. I was – I was _here,_ like, four days ago, and now it’s… I need to see it, please.”

Kara just nods. “I understand,” she says, and it’s the truth. She knows exactly how it feels to want proof of the irreparable damage that’s occurred in your life. Sometimes, on bad days, she wants nothing more than to take J’onn’s ship back to where Krypton used to be, to see Rao’s light shine over the dead chunks of rock that used to be her home, just as proof that it actually happened. She was there when it was destroyed, she felt it happen, but even then, sometimes it doesn’t feel real. She can’t even imagine how unreal it must feel to Lena.

And, yes, Kara _wants_ it, wants to see the evidence and process it and exist with it, but she doesn’t know if it’d actually be good for her. Maybe it’d help, but that’s a big maybe, and all she knows for certain is that it would bring her more hurt than she’s felt in a long time. So, no, she doesn’t think seeing Krypton’s remains would ease enough of the pain to make it worth it, and _no_ , she doesn’t think that Lena seeing what’s left of what was obviously a sacred place will ease enough of her pain, either, but Lena asked for it, and Kara knows she’s never been able to deny her anything.

The door is heavy and metal, and if it had a doorknob, she knows she’d be able to break in without ruining the whole thing, but this door has to be ripped off its hinges to get in, and she can almost see Lena flinch when Kara does it. (Is she flinching at the desecration of her lab, of the place she probably felt most at home, or is she flinching in fear of the strength it takes to desecrate it in the first place? Kara swallows down the bile that rises in her throat when she thinks of the possibility that Lena might be scared of her.)

It’s musty in the lab – dark and dusty and smelling of something distinctly earth-like – and Kara can tell that no one’s been in here for at least a few years. Lena finds the light switch easily and flicks it on, but the power must be long shut off, because nothing happens. The ceiling has a few skylights so there’s still enough light to see by, but she sees Lena grit her teeth when the lights don’t turn on, anyway.

Kara’s eyes don’t leave Lena’s frame for the entire three minutes it takes for her to speak. (And, yes, she counts.) Lena dances from table to table, skimming her fingers over the few dust-covered instruments still left in the lab. She hovers at the right corner of the room for a full minute, staring longingly at a patch of the wall that’s painted just a slightly darker shade of white than the rest of it.

“I came up with the idea for the nanobots here, you know,” Lena says, and it’s less of a statement and more of a question, so Kara steps closer and hums encouragingly.

“Really?”

Lena nods softly, and Kara would give anything for her wife to be facing her, so she’d have the opportunity to dissect whatever emotions are playing on her facial features. As of now, all she has to go on is her voice, and it stays steady and even the whole time.

Unreadable.

“It was so long ago,” Lena continues. “I had just gotten my bachelors, and Andrea kept calling me about how busy I was with Jack. She was so mad at me. We were arguing over the phone right in this very spot, and I was so angry with her because it felt like she didn’t care about my research, but now I think maybe she just missed me.”

She stops then, like she’s waiting for something, so Kara moves up to stand beside her and stare at the wall with her. This seems to satisfy her, because she goes on.

“She said that I didn’t care about her, that I was heartless because I never had any time for her. She said that maybe I wasn’t a person at all, and where my heart should be were actually just little robots controlling me.” Lena chuckles at the memory, turning to Kara. “She was really angry with herself after that, because she said that she would’ve been able to come up with a more insulting description if she hadn’t been so distracted with how furious she was at me.

“Jack and I had been trying to find the implementation device for our research; see, we’d come up with a skin-grafting formula that could cover up open wounds, but it was blood-type specific, and it kept setting to the administrator’s antibodies instead of the patient’s. When we tried it out, I cut myself and Jack administered the serum on me, but we found that it was set to Jack’s blood type and not mine. Luckily, he’s O negative, so there were no ill-effects, but it could’ve been quite dangerous, otherwise.

“We had no idea how to get the treatment to the patients without another human being contaminating it, and then it hit me: little robots.”

A smile plants itself on Lena’s face then, her focus clearly somewhere a million miles away.

“Obviously, we eventually programmed the nanobots to do more than just administer a skin-graft, but that was where it all started.” She lifts her arm to run her fingertips along the wall, then, focusing specially on the edges of the new shade where it looks like a new coat was messily applied. “I drew the prototype design on the wall, right then and there, because I was scared that I’d forget it if I left to go grab a pen and paper.”

Lena is silent after that, and Kara deduces that she’s finished her story. “Why’d you paint over it?” she asks.

Lena shrugs at that, biting her lip in the way that always makes Kara want to wrap her up in a hug. “I don’t remember.”

The words could mean that Lena doesn’t recall the exact reason for it, that she painted over it without really thinking about it, but the melancholy radiating from her makes Kara think that she means it in the way it sounds: that her memory stops before it happened. Kara wants to apologize for it, reach out and hold her hand, to do _something_ , but she can’t, so she doesn’t. Lena doesn’t seem to expect anything, though, and Kara thinks that might be worse.

Lena walks around a bit more, touching something every once in a while, and then removing her hand so reverently that it looks a bit like she’s trying to piece together that it’s actually real. She stops at a blue stain on one of the tables and traces the outline with her forefinger, and she takes a breath in like she’s about to say something, but she doesn’t. She does this once more when she looks through the low power lens on a microscope beside the stain, and then it hits Kara that she thinks she knows what’s wrong.

“You can talk about him, you know,” she says softly. Lena turns over and raises an eyebrow curiously, like she doesn’t know what Kara’s talking about, but Kara can see in her eyes that she does. “About Jack. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings. I know how important he was to you.”

Lena bites her lip and starts to pull at her fingers for a moment before she drops them to her sides and says, “Can we go see him?”

~

Metropolis City Cemetery is a good forty-five minutes away by car, and Kara offers to fly them there because it’ll be faster, but Lena denies the offer and says she needs time to think, anyway, so they drive there with the ship in its convertible form. She doesn’t talk for the whole ride, mostly just stares at her hands as she twists her fingers around and avoids eye contact. Kara doesn’t mind, because she knows she’d probably be acting the same way in her position.

There’s a flower stand outside the cemetery, and Lena’s eyes nearly pop out of their sockets as she watches Kara pay for the roses with her phone, clearly blown away by the widespread advancements in technology in the past few years. Kara almost wants to laugh at the face she’s making, but then Lena seems to remember that they’re in a cemetery to visit her dead ex-boyfriend and schools her features into neutrality, so Kara does, too.

Kara knows where Jack’s grave is, having visited it with Lena every year on his birthday. The first year after his death, Lena asked her to wait outside the cemetery until she was done visiting, and even though it hurt like hell, Kara would never disrespect Lena’s wishes, so she did. She knew Lena had cried not because she listened in – because she would _never_ do that, she specifically called Alex to distract her instead – but because Lena’s eyes were puffy and red when she returned. Lena didn’t want to talk about it afterwards, just said she wanted a quiet night in to watch a movie, but she let her girlfriend hold her close the whole night, and Kara likes to tell herself that she helped at least a little bit. The next year, Lena had grown comfortable enough to ask Kara to come with her, and it was easier, that time. Kara was beyond grateful that she could be there for some sort of support.

This time, however, Kara has no idea what will happen. She hopes against hope that Lena won’t ask her to wait outside again, but she knows it’s unlikely that it’ll go any other way. This Lena has just met her, after all, so she braces herself for the pain that will come when Lena inevitably requests that she go in by herself and Kara has to recognize that she’s useless here.

It never happens, though. They walk into the cemetery together, and when Kara tells Lena where Jack’s grave is located, she smiles politely at her just like the first time. The difference, this time, is that instead of timidly asking if Kara would mind waiting for her outside, she says in the same voice, “Will you show me?” which is Lena for, “please come with me.”

Kara nods resolutely and shoots her a smile as she takes her place by Lena’s side, walking slowly to the grave.

Lena spends the walk there skimming her eyes over the names on the headstones, so she knows immediately when they arrive at Jack’s. She doesn’t give a second glance to Kara when they get there, just steps forward hesitantly until she’s close enough to rest her hand on the cool concrete of his headstone. She stands there for a many long moments, eyes glued to the pristine letters that spell out his name.

After a good five minutes, she breaks the silence.

“Did you ever meet him?” she asks. She pauses to consider it before amending, “The real him, I mean. Not whoever was controlling him.”

Kara takes a moment to lay the roses in her grip down atop the gravestone beside her before answering, “I did.”

“Did you like him?” Lena asks, and at Kara’s hesitation, she lets out a sad sort of chuckle. “That’s a no, then.”

“No, no! Of course I did! I think he was a great man, and I’m really glad you had him. I wish I could’ve gotten to know him better.”

“But?” Lena asks, clearly not content with the answer, and Kara sighs.

“But… when I first met him, I sorta hated his guts.”

Lena turns around to face her and smirks, clearly grateful for the distraction, so Kara decides to indulge her with more lighthearted conversation.

“Hey, don’t judge me! He was a handsome man with a sexy British accent that you had a past with. Can you really blame me for being insanely jealous?”

“I suppose that is understandable.”

“I hear he was amazing, though, so I know I would’ve grown to love him.”

“Would you?”

“Of course! Anyone who can make you happy is someone worth keeping around, in my book.”

Lena smiles at that too, but this one is tinted with sadness. “Did he?” she asks. “Make me happy, I mean?” Her eyes find Kara’s then. “The way you make me happy?”

Kara hesitates; she doesn’t want to say too much. “It was, um, different, obviously. We’re different people, after all.

“Right,” Lena says, and Kara can hear the rapid thump of her wife’s pulse increase a bit more. “Right, of course it was different. But, um, was it different because… because he was a man?”

Kara frowns. “What do you think?”

Lena turns back to Jack’s headstone then, reaching out to reconnect with the concrete as she runs her fingertips over the lettering of his name. “I think,” she begins, “that I did love him. Only, it didn’t feel the way everyone told me it would. That maybe it wasn’t the kind of love everyone told me it was. That… that it probably wasn’t the same kind of love that you and I seemed to have.”

Kara nods solemnly, even though she knows Lena can’t see her. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s what you used to say, too.”

“What else did I used to say?”

“About him?”

Lena shakes her head. “About me.”

“Oh.” Kara reaches behind her and nervously scratches at the back of her neck. “Um… well, you said you thought you always knew, on some level, that you weren’t like other people. That you didn’t want the same things they did. But, uh, you hid it. You didn’t want it to be true, so you told yourself it wasn’t; that even if it was, you’d never let anyone know. You said… you said that you never thought you’d do anything about your feelings until you met me.” Kara feels a nervous laugh escape her lips. “Gosh, sorry, that makes me sound so full of myself, but that’s what you told me, I swear.”

“No, that sounds about right,” Lena replies, nodding. She spares one more longing glance at the headstone before retracting her hand and turning back to Kara to ask, “And you?

“I also knew,” Kara answers, the words coming much easier now that she’s talking about herself, now that she’s not worried about hurting Lena. “Sexuality wasn’t a huge deal where I grew up.”

“On Krypton?”

“Yeah. It’s just that it wasn’t black and white like it is here, you know? Not either/or.”

Lena furrows her eyebrows in curiosity. “What, you’re saying there were no gay people on Krypton? Everyone liked everyone?”

“No, no, of course not!” Kara blurts out, quick to clarify. “I’m sure there were gay people on Krypton, just like there must’ve been straight people. It’s just that, instead of growing up with the image of a man with a woman and vice versa, there were no expectations. Kids weren’t brought up on the idea that their perfect match must be of another gender. There were gay people on Krypton, just like here, but Earth makes more of a fuss about it, I guess.

“So, when I got here, I adopted the customs of the planet I was living on. I dated men, pictured my future spouse as a man, you know, the works. And that was fine. I liked men and dating men and everything that comes with it. I was good living like that, but then… Then I met you.” Kara feels herself grinning just at the mention of her first meeting with Lena. “I met you, and I remembered that I could have you, too, if I wanted.”

Lena quirks an eyebrow at her, and suddenly Kara realizes how that sounded.

“Oh, gosh, no, not _you_ , of course! I didn’t mean you in particular, I would never just presume that I could – I-I meant your gender! Women. In general. Um, am I making sense?”

Lena nods, a small smile painting itself on her lips. “Yes, Kara, you’re making sense.”

Kara sighs in relief when she realizes that Lena is playing with her. “Oh, good. I think I blacked out there for a second,” she jokes, and Lena chuckles a bit at that. They stand there in silence for a moment before Lena reaches out for the roses on the tombstone beside them, and Kara quickly backs away, guessing that Lena might not want to be crowded as she does this. She can tell she’s right by the way that Lena smiles back at her with gratitude in her eyes before turning back to Jack’s headstone and kneeling in front of it. She stays there for almost a minute, unmoving, before she takes a deep breath and lays the roses down on the grass.

“Goodbye, Jack,” she whispers, sniffling a bit and bringing her hand up to her face like she’s wiping away a tear. It seems like a private moment, so Kara pretends to be focused on straightening out her button-up when Lena turns back around and nods.

“Kara?” she asks tentatively.

“Yes?”

“Is it alright if we go visit one more place? It won’t take long, I promise. Then we can go back to National City.”

Kara wants to wrap Lena up in a hug and reassure her that they can do whatever she wants, but instead she just clasps her hands together and nods. “Of course, Lena. We can go anywhere you'd like.”

~

Kara doesn’t know why it shocks her so much when Lena asks to visit the Luthor Corp building, the one that used to be HQ back when Lex ran it, because it seems only logical. If Lena wants to go down memory lane, it only makes sense that she’d want to see the place she spent most of her time in, when she wasn’t at the lab. Still, Kara is prepared to do anything that Lena wants, so that’s how she finds herself standing outside the L Corp building in Metropolis.

They stop in front of a bench a good twenty feet to the left of the entrance, and Lena just stares. She doesn’t seem upset at all, which Kara should find comforting, but she doesn’t, because Lena doesn’t seem much of anything, really. She just stares up at the building with an unreadable expression and rakes her eyes over every inch of brick and glass visible. Kara wants to ask what’s wrong, if she can help, but this Lena doesn’t know her and she knows that it probably won’t do anything to ask, so she doesn’t. They stand there in silence for a few minutes, brisk wind whipping their hair back and coloring Lena’s cheeks pink.

Just as Kara is about to ask if there’s anything she can do, Lena opens her mouth and says simply, “It’s different.”

“Is it?”

Lena just nods. “Yes.”

Kara is almost positive that Lena’s going to say more, explain at least a little bit of what’s going on in her mind, but she doesn’t, so Kara asks, “Did you want to go inside?”

“No,” is her immediate reply. She shakes her head resolutely before reaffirming, “No, I don’t.” She spends another moment taking in the sight before she inhales deeply and tears her eyes away. “I think I’m ready to go now.”

“Oh. Okay,” Kara says, a little taken aback. That was quick. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Oh… okay then.”

“Thank you, Kara. I really appreciate this.”

“Of course. Anything. All you have to do is ask.” Kara gives her a gentle smile, and Lena returns one, which just causes Kara’s smile to grow. “Ready to head back?”

Lena nods, and they begin their trek back to where the ship is landed at a meter across the street

“Do you remember where we parked?” Lena quips, clearly trying to break the tension. “I’m not sure we’ll be able to find the car.”

Kara takes the bait and lets out a cackling laugh at the implication that they wouldn’t be able to find the sky blue 50’s convertible look-alike amongst the hundreds of dark blue and black sedans that litter the streets. “Gosh, you’re right! I hope you can remember the license plate number.”

Lena seems happier on the flight back, like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. The conversation flows easier and Lena even giggles in the adorable way that she used to when Kara turns on the music to dance along to ‘Bye Bye Bye.’

“I thought this was J’onn’s ship?” Lena asks over the music, her voice a little louder than it normally would be so she can be heard, and Kara takes the hint to turn the volume down lower so they can talk.

“It is, why?”

“J’onn is the one who officiated the wedding, right?”

Kara’s stomach lurches when she hears the word ‘wedding’ come out of her wife’s mouth. She didn’t say ‘our wedding,’ which was almost definitely on purpose, but it’s still thrilling that she even mentioned it. The past few days, Lena has done nothing to suggest she even remembers the fact that they were married, and even though Kara is sure it’s a coping mechanism to keep Lena from getting overwhelmed, it still stings a little. Now, though, saying something as explicit as ‘the wedding,’ in direct reference to _their wedding_ … well, it feels an awful lot like progress, that’s all.

“Yeah, good memory.”

“Hm. As in the stern-looking man who looks like he’s only smiled five times in his whole life?”

Kara barks out a laugh. “Oh my gosh, please remind me to tell him you said that. But, yeah, that’s the one. Why?

Lena shakes her head with a smile. “I didn’t peg him as someone who listens to 90’s boybands in his free time.”

“Okay, I _may_ have forced this CD on him so we could play it when we go on trips, but I’m pretty sure he enjoys it anyway, even if he denies it. I mean, why else would it still be in the player? Check and mate, J’onn.”

“Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.”

Kara is about to counter that NSYNC was one of the greatest bands in history, but then her phone buzzes loudly against the plastic of the cup-holder that it’s resting in. She waits until it finishes alerting them of a text to start to speak, but then another text comes rolling in, and then another, and another.

Lena smirks. “Someone’s popular.”

“No, I – no, I’m not.” Kara feels a blush rising to her cheeks at the downright seductive voice Lena just used, but she clears her throat and tries to rid herself of the thoughts that are running through her mind. “Uh, would you mind checking who that is? I’m off work this week, but it could be an emergency, you know.”

Lena just nods and moves to pick up the phone. After a few moments where Lena doesn’t say anything, Kara takes a glance to her right to check on her and finds her wife frowning at the screen of her phone.

“Lena, are you okay? Is something wrong?”

Lena takes a moment to respond, but then she’s clearing her throat, too, and shaking her head. “No, no, I’m fine.”

“Who is it?”

“Uh, group chat. The superfriends?”

Kara feels herself start to breathe easier now that she knows nothing is dangerously wrong. “Oh, those are just our friends. They’re not saying anything important, right? They usually don’t, but you never know.”

Lena shakes her head again. “No. One of them just said they’re sad about game night, and then everyone else says that they, um… hope I feel better.” Lena clasps her hands together in her lap and stares down at them then, her pulse having picked up quite a bit. Kara knows that Lena’s mother beat filler words like ‘um’ and ‘uh’ out of her speech patterns when she was a teen, so the fact that she’s using them now must mean she’s pretty upset.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course,” Lena replies immediately, her voice steady and controlled. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, you seem upset.”

“I’m not. It’s just… it’s a little…” She pauses, seemingly trying to find the right word, but then she seems to decide against it and changes the subject. “What are they talking about with game night?”

Kara allows the switch, knowing that Lena’s always had trouble talking about her feelings and is probably overwhelmed from all of today. “Oh, that’s just something fun we like to do,” she says casually as she can manage. “Every Thursday night after work, the gang meets up at our place to play games and eat pizza. I know you’re probably not up for it right now, though, so I cancelled. We can pick up game night again whenever you want to, okay? No pressure.”

Lena is quiet for a moment, turning the phone over in her hands, before she says, “I think you should go. Or go out with them or something instead. I don’t want you to have to miss out on any fun just because of me.”

“What? No, no, I’m not missing out on anything, really. Game night is the least of my worries, I promise.”

“It’s alright if you want to. I’m sure your friends miss you, and you deserve to have some fun. I’ll be fine.”

“No, Lena, that’s not –” Kara sighs. “I was serious when I told you they were our friends, you know? They are my friends, but they’re also yours, and they miss you, too. You’re just as important to the group as I am. We can wait until you’re ready.”

“They miss me too?” Lena asks, and Kara guesses that she didn’t mean to say that out loud because a frown crosses her face as soon as she does.

Still, Kara answers honestly. “Of course they miss you! I mean, I don’t know if you knew this, but you’re great. You’re super cool, like, amazingly cool. Winn has been sending me nothing but science memes to make you laugh, and everyone has been asking how you are and if you’re feeling alright. They love you, Lena. We all do.”

Lena is silent for a moment, and Kara’s first thought is that she’s shared too much and scared her off, but then Lena notes, “Game night could be fun.”

What she actually says aloud is just that it could be fun, but that plus the increase in her heartrate is Lena for ‘I might want to go to game night,’ and that takes Kara by surprise.

“Oh!” she exclaims, reeling from the initial shock, but then she takes a moment to recover and tries again, this time with her voice a bit calmer. “Yeah, yeah, it could be fun. Everyone is really nice, and we play super low-pressure games. Would that, um, maybe be something you’d be interested in?”

Lena gives a non-committal shrug, but her pulse is still just as fast as it was before, so it does nothing to fool Kara. “Maybe. I wouldn’t want to make it awkward, though.”

“You wouldn’t! Really, Lena, they’ll all be ecstatic to have you. We have probably some of the most awkward people on Earth in our friend group, so nothing you could do would make them uncomfortable. Seriously, once you meet Brainy, you’ll understand what I mean. Also, Lucy and Maggie are great at drawing attention to themselves, so you wouldn’t be the focus or anything. And if you’re not having fun, you just say the word and I can have them out in a minute flat. It would be super chill, I promise.” 

Lena hums. “That sounds nice.”

“Yeah, I think it would be. It’s totally your choice, though. I know it sounds like a lot. You absolutely don’t have to do it, but I’m think you’ll have fun if you do.” Kara smiles over at Lena, who gives her a shy smile back. “Did you want to try it?”

Lena hesitates for a second, clearly deep in thought, before she seems to make a decision and nods. “Yeah, sure. Maybe I can get Winn to show me some of those science memes you talked about.”

“Really?” Kara asks, unable to hide her excitement, but double-checking that this is really what her wife wants.

Lena nods again, a smile on her face this time. “Really.”

Kara can’t hold in the squeal that comes out of her this time. “I’m so excited! This is gonna be great! Do you want to hear the joke Winn sent me this morning?”

Lena smiles. “Sure.”

“A programmer was headed to work, and his wife said, ‘while you’re out, buy milk.’” Kara pauses for a moment for dramatic effect, and Lena raises her eyebrows. “He never came home.”

The groaning laugh that Lena lets out is worth everything. Kara briefly considers going back to school to get a degree in computer science, if only so she could make Lena laugh like that again, but eventually decides that Winn will just have to provide the jokes for her. After all, it seems as if Lena is going to meet him very soon.

Kara can’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much for reading !!! next chapter will be game night and lena meeting the gang !! also probably more dumb science jokes but imma make them in a variety of disciplines so u dont have to know anything about comp sci to find them funny. lena and winn are best friends and u can tear that headcanon from my cold dead hands
> 
> ALSO im working on a supercorp oneshot based off a tweet that is SIGNIFICANTLY less angsty (lol sorry not sorry for all the angst in this fic) so keep an eye out for that!!! i love u guys so much!!! thank u for sticking with me <3


	8. Lena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First game night with the gang since the accident. Lena tries to adjust to having a family again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote the og version of this fic in 2017 when 2021 was a futuristic far off year, then started the rewrite in late 2019 and kept the year bc i thought i still had tons of time to finish it and now.... it's 2021. wow. lmao.
> 
> i promise this fic will get finished even if i take a billion years between updates, but i hope not to take a literal half year again! if it's been a while since i've posted, i formally give u permission to yell at me in the comments to update!

If Lena has learned anything from the past week, it’s this: Kara Danvers is perfect. 

She was perfect when Lena woke up in a hospital bed with caring blue eyes staring down at her, she was perfect when they got back from Metropolis and she kept to herself because she automatically knew that Lena would want to be alone, and she’s perfect now, with bright green frosting smeared over those perfectly pink lips as she devours a cupcake.

In truth, Lena is a little in awe of how perfect Kara is, and how it doesn’t seem possible at all. She keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop – for her to find out that Kara is a murderer, or she cheated on Lena with her best friend, or she kicks puppies in her spare time – but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. No shoe is going to drop because there isn’t a shoe in the first place. Kara is fucking barefoot.

Really, the only issue Lena can imagine anyone having with Kara is that this bottomless pit of a woman eats enough to effectively bankrupt anyone who isn’t the CEO of a multi-billion-dollar company. Still, even that is infuriatingly adorable, somehow.

_How?_

Kara swallows the last of her second cupcake and reaches for a third, crumpling up the wrapping from the previous one in her hand and setting it on the counter. When she notices Lena’s eyes on her, she smiles encouragingly and offers up one of the uneaten cupcakes, but Lena shakes her head to decline. Her stomach is much too unsettled to think about eating anything right now, let alone what is basically just pure sugar. She’d probably be sick if she did, and that would be a spectacularly terrible first impression on Kara’s friends – or _their_ friends, which is what Kara insists they are.

Then again, does it count as a first impression if they all already know her?

Kara seems to sense her distress, because she licks her lips mostly clean and sets down her cupcake before walking over to the other side of the counter where Lena stands.

“Are you okay?” she asks, and it feels a little like Kara can see straight into her soul as she stares down at her. The piercing blue of her eyes alone would probably be enough to get Lena to crack and spill all her fears if there wasn’t still rich green frosting clinging to Kara’s lower lip, but there is, so Lena just shoots her a reassuring smile.

“I’m good.”

Kara doesn’t seem to believe her, because her brow furrows.

“You don’t have to be good, you know. You’re allowed to be scared. This is really scary, and we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I know it’s a really big step, and I don’t want to pressure you into anything, so we can absolutely cancel. We can just chill out and watch a movie or something, okay? No worries.”

Lena shakes her head.

“No, I’m fine. I’m looking forward to tonight, I promise.”

“Are you sure? It’s no trouble at all to call and ask to hold off until you’re ready.”

Lena smiles again, trying to seem as confident as she can. She can do this, she tells herself. She _has_ to do this, because really, she’s a little scared that if she doesn’t work up the nerve to do it now, she never will.

“I’m sure,” she assures Kara. “Besides, what would we do with all this food if they didn’t come over?”

She extends her arm out to her right, gesturing to the large assortment of food on the counter. There’s a plethora of snacks displayed there, ranging from pretzels and chips to cupcakes all the way to a vegetable platter that Lena _knows_ Kara must’ve bought for her.

Kara’s cheeks flush as she says, “Don’t worry, none of it would go to waste. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up eating most of it even if people _do_ come.”

Lena arches an eyebrow. “Even the vegetables?” she asks, and Kara snorts.

“Well, no, but those were for you, anyway. You’re the only one responsible enough to go anywhere near them.”

Lena is about to joke that not everyone can be a super-powered alien who’s immune to heart disease, but then Kara’s phone buzzes on the counter next to the cupcakes and the blonde picks it up to read it.

“Oh!” she exclaims, “it’s Winn! He says he’s headed up in the elevator right now.” Her mouth is stretched into a smile that looks almost painful with how wide it is, but she schools her features into something somewhat neutral when she looks back up at Lena to ask, “Are you sure you’re okay? I can still tell him to go home.”

“I’m okay.”

Kara beams at that, setting her phone back down on the counter and angling her body towards the door, ready to go.

“Wait!” Lena blurts, suddenly remembering the frosting on her mouth and how it might embarrass her if everyone saw it.

Kara immediately freezes at the noise.

“Are you okay?” she asks again, concern evident in her voice.

“No, I – yes. Sorry, I’m fine. You just have something, um…”

She brings her hand up to the corner of her lip to mimic the act of wiping something off, and Kara seems to get the hint.

“Oh!” she laughs, dragging her fingers over the skin at the corner of her mouth and missing the spot of food completely. “Did I get it?”

Lena shakes her head. “No. Still there.”

Kara brings her hand back up to try again, but then the memory of their wedding video where Lena cleaned frosting off of Kara’s lip with her thumb replays in Lena’s mind, and she hears herself say, “Let me.”

Kara stops in her tracks, obviously stunned, but allows Lena to reach up and swipe her thumb across her lower lip, effectively removing any hint of green.

Lena knows she shouldn’t be surprised at how soft Kara’s lips are – not when she takes into consideration that Kara is _perfect_ , after all – but the impossibly smooth skin under her fingertip still catches her off guard. She feels herself gasp more than hears it, because all she can hear is a rush of blood in her ears. Maybe she should be embarrassed that Kara can see how affected she is by such an innocent touch, but the blonde seems to be just as captivated by the action as she is based on the way her eyes widen, focused intently on the frosting on the tip of Lena’s thumb.

Lena doesn’t know what comes over her – doesn’t know what could possibly possess her to do such a thing – but suddenly she finds herself bringing her thumb up to her mouth to suck the frosting off, just like she saw herself do in their wedding video. Kara seems even more shocked at that, and Lena feels heat rush up into her cheeks as the sugar dances across her tongue.

“Got it,” she murmurs, and Kara just stares.

After a moment of silence, Kara says breathlessly, “You did that at our wedding.”

Lena nods. “I know.”

It takes the blonde a split second to process what’s just been said, but then her eyes grow wide and her face breaks into a hopeful smile.

“You – you know? You remember?” Her voice is reverent and awe-filled as she says it, and then warm hands curl solidly around Lena’s waist as she lets out a wet-sounding laugh. “Rao, Baby, I was so –”

“No,” Lena interrupts, finally finding the courage to speak.

The way that Kara is holding her right now – like she’s the most important thing in the world – startled her a bit, but now that she’s found her way back to her body, now that she’s not frozen in shock, she knows she has to shut the misconception down.

“No,” she says again. “I’m sorry, I… I don’t.”

There’s a long moment of silence before…

“Oh.”

She can see the exact moment that Kara’s heart breaks, the precise instant that her world fractures all over again, because her eyebrows slacken and the smile drops off her face.

“Oh,” she repeats, and she begins to withdraw her hands from Lena’s waist. She removes the light pressure from her grip instantly, clearly regretful of what she’s done, but her hands linger over the fabric of Lena’s sweater for a moment before they move away, as if they have a mind of their own and can’t bear to leave.

“I’m sorry,” Lena repeats, desperate to explain herself. “I remembered it from the video I saw in the hospital, and I just thought… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Kara shakes her head immediately, hell-bent on reassuring her even as her voice cracks with emotion.

“No, you’re fine. I shouldn’t have just assumed that…” She trails off and looks away, and Lena can see moisture pooling behind her lower lashes. She opens her mouth to speak again, gaze still pointed at the floor, but there’s a knock at the door before she has a chance to say anything, and she chooses to focus her attention on that instead, clearly grateful for the distraction.

“That must be Winn,” she says softly, but she doesn’t move to answer it.

They’re frozen in time for a second, Lena trying to ignore the guilt clawing its way out of her chest and Kara clenching her jaw so tightly it looks painful before she shakes herself out of it and ambles over to the entryway. She rests her hand on the doorknob like she’s about to open it, but pauses for a moment before looking over at Lena for permission, silently asking if she’s ready. Lena just nods and swallows down the lump in her throat as she tries to forget the heartbroken look on Kara’s face just a minute ago.

Kara turns away from her to open the door, and a man in a sweater vest who must be Winn beams brightly at her.

“Kara!” he exclaims, setting a large paper bag down on the ground before hurriedly wrapping his arms around her and leaning down a bit to whisper something in her ear. Kara returns the smile, but it doesn’t seem as full of life as it usually does, and Lena feels guilt wind itself around her throat, gripping her in a chokehold.

There isn’t any time to ruminate, though, because then Winn is striding over to where she is by the kitchen island, and it takes all she has not to back away. Winn must know how she’s feeling somehow, because he stops a meter short of her and shoots her a welcoming smile as he waves.

“Hi!”

Lena half expects him to say more, maybe ramble out an explanation the way Kara always seems to, but he stays silent after that.

“Hello,” Lena eventually manages, and that seems to make Winn smile even harder.

(Does everyone in 2021 smile all the time? Are there drugs in the water or something?)

Winn shoots his hand out in front of him, clearly aiming for a handshake as he introduces himself. “I’m Winn. Tech god, jokester extraordinaire, and painfully handsome, if I do say so myself. I don’t know how much Kara told you about the Superfriends, but I named us, so I’m basically the president.”

He grins boyishly at her, dimples forming in his cheeks, and Lena can’t help but smile back at him as she shakes his hand.

“I suppose I’m correct in assuming that it was you who sent the joke about while loops?” she asks, and his grin widens.

“Yeah, that was me! What’d you think?”

“It was awful. It’s exactly as terrible as all truly good science jokes must be.”

“Yes!” he cheers, pumping his fist. He turns to Kara then, who’s standing watch with a gentle smile on her face, cradling Winn’s bag of takeout in her arms like one would a small child. “Kara, you heard all that, right? You have to tell Alex when she gets here that Lena liked the joke!”

He turns back to Lena and explains, “Alex bet Lucy twenty bucks that you wouldn’t laugh at any joke I would tell because it’d be dumb and dorky, but Lucy was sure that you were enough of a nerd to find it hilarious. Ha! In Alex’s _face_!”

Kara’s eyes widen when Winn calls Lena a nerd, panic in her eyes like she’s worried that Lena will take offense at it, but surprisingly, the brunette doesn’t feel at all upset. She’s been called a nerd before, of course – one does not sit through 400 level engineering classes at MIT at just 19 years old without being teased a little – but it feels different this time. In the past, it was always said with spite, in a way that made it clear that it was intended to make her feel badly about herself. Now, though, it feels almost… familial? Like they really care about her.

It’s an odd feeling, Lena thinks, the warmth that blooms in her chest at the light teasing, but it’s something she can definitely see herself getting used to. Kara beams at the interaction, and Lena tries to shake her head free of the litany of thoughts about how impossibly gorgeous Kara looks when she smiles.

“Is this a common occurrence with you all?” she asks Winn, and he scrunches his face up in confusion, so she continues. “Betting on each other’s lives, I mean?”

Kara laughs at that, taking the opportunity to walk away from the door and set the bag of food on the counter so she’s standing in their space.

“You could say that,” the blonde teases, and Winn blushes.

“Okay, fine, we may or may not have had a friend-wide betting association where we would gamble on the outcomes of everyone’s lives.”

“Had?” Lena questions, and Winn’s blush deepens.

“J’onn made us quit after Nia bet Maggie a thousand bucks that I’d cry at yours and Kara’s first dance and then had to move in with Brainy after she lost because she couldn’t afford her rent.”

“Winn,” Kara playfully scolds him, eyebrows raised, “you’re not giving her the full story.”

Winn flat-out _whines_ at that, jutting his lower lip out in a soft pout, looking very much like a toddler and not a thirty-something year old man.

“Come on, can’t you let me save at least some of my dignity?”

When Kara doesn’t relent, he sighs and begrudgingly continues.

“Okay, the reason Nia lost is because Maggie slipped a fast-acting alien sleeping pill in my champagne right before the dance so I’d be asleep during it and wouldn’t be able to cry.” He looks over at Kara hopefully, but she just shakes her head.

“And?”

“And then I passed out in my seat and caused a brief mass panic when Kara and Alex’s aunt found me and couldn’t wake me up. She thought I was having a medical emergency and screamed for help, and you know how people tend to overreact when someone screams for a doctor because they think someone else is dying.” He huffs out an exaggerated breath. “There! That’s the whole story!”

Kara looks satisfied at that by the way she smiles, looking over to Lena and smiling even harder when she sees that Lena’s amused too.

“So, yeah,” Winn continues, “J’onn said we were ‘alarmingly dangerous’ and it was ‘only a matter of time before we led to the destruction of life as we know it,’ so he made us all stop at the risk of having our clearance at the DEO revoked.”

“I see that didn’t last,” Lena deadpans, and Winn rushes to explain himself.

“No, see, J’onn only banned betting on anything for over fifty dollars and physical intervention to win a bet, so we’re still _technically_ following the rules! Twenty bucks is totally acceptable, and no bodily harm has come to any of us so far, so we’re all good.”

He turns to face Kara then, his expression slightly more serious now. “Oh, Kara, remind me to tell Lucy that she owes me half of the money. It was my joke that won it for her, and Mr. Chen’s isn’t getting any cheaper.”

Kara sighs, clearly about to argue, but a loud knock interrupts her. She angles down her glasses and stares over at the doorway before pulling them back up and happily announcing, “That’s Alex and Maggie!”

She looks over at Lena questioningly before making any movement, only walking over to answer the door when Lena gives her a slight nod of approval.

When she does open the door, it reveals two women engrossed in conversation with each other. Their fingers are intertwined and each of them are holding a bag of what smells like Indian food in their unoccupied arms, which causes Lena to furrow her brows. She glances over to where Winn’s bag of takeout sits on the counter, then back to where Alex and Maggie stand with even more food. Winn seems to notice her confusion, because he leans over slightly to explain.

“Don’t worry, it’s totally normal for everyone to bring food. Game night is basically just an excuse for everyone to eat themselves into a food coma. Plus, Kara could probably eat all of this in the matter of a couple hours if she wanted to, so don’t worry about leftovers.”

Lena half expects Kara to turn around at the mention of her name, but she continues talking to the guests at the door, so Lena just nods in response.

“That makes sense. I’ve seen Kara eat more today than I probably eat in a whole week.”

Winn rolls his eyes playfully. “Yeah, don’t I know it. When we were first friends, before I found out she was an alien, I thought she had a tapeworm or something with how much she ate. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for her and everything.”

Lena can’t help but smile at that, both at how awkward it must’ve been for Kara to have to explain her superhuman metabolism without giving herself away, but also because she’s glad that Kara had that sort of support system. She knows that she must’ve become very important to Kara over the years, but it’s comforting to know that Kara wasn’t alone before her, and that she isn’t alone now, either.

Kara, Alex, and Maggie must finish their conversation around the same time Lena and Winn finish theirs, because then a short woman is heading straight towards her with a crooked grin and soft eyes.

“Luthor,” she says. “Good to see you. I’m Maggie.”

Maggie nods the greeting at her and then moves past where Lena and Winn are standing to dump the two bags of takeout on the counter. When she finishes, she turns back around and gestures over for the other woman that came with her, who Lena knows now must be Alex.

Alex.

Fuck.

Alex. _The_ Alex. Kara’s sister, Alex, who has all these expectations for her to be a suitable partner for the most important person in her life that Lena somehow has to live up to now.

That’s not nerve-wracking at all.

Kara must be able to tell that Lena’s freaking out a little, probably by using her superhearing to listen to her heartrate, because she strides over to stand next to her and offers out her hand for support.

Lena doesn’t take it, obviously, but she wants to more than she previously thought it possible to want anything.

Alex is right behind her, walking over to take her spot at Maggie’s side and looping her arm around the shorter woman’s shoulders. She smiles warmly at Lena, too, and even though it doesn’t look like something someone like her should be doing – not with the no-nonsense all black uniform she’s wearing, at least – it looks natural enough that Lena guesses it’s a common occurrence.

“Lena,” she says warmly, “I’m Alex, Kara’s sister.”

Lena is just about to introduce herself as well before she remembers that _they already know her_.

She doesn’t let herself dwell in how weird that feels – how she can practically feel the discomfort dripping into her bloodstream like medication through an IV – just continues on as if this entire week hasn’t been full of the most bizarre things she’s ever experienced.

Instead, she says quickly, “It’s nice to meet you both,” and only after the words have left her mouth does she freeze in her spot.

Wait. That’s not right.

Yes, she’s avoided a complete catastrophe by not introducing herself, but what she’s said is still technically incorrect. They’ve met before, haven’t they? Even if Lena doesn’t remember, it still counts. She feels her heartrate pick up to a frantic tempo as she starts to obsess about how to fix the situation, but then Maggie is smiling back at her and joking, “Same here.”

No one moves for a moment, waiting for Lena to decide what to do, but when she smiles back at the jest, Winn bursts out into an awkward laughter, and Alex and Maggie quickly follow suit.

Kara is looking over at Lena with watery eyes and a broad smile, so at least this isn’t going terribly, Lena thinks. All she really wants is to take Kara’s hand – resting lightly at her side and looking warmer and more inviting than anything she can imagine – but it’s no longer being explicitly offered, and she has no idea how to go about approaching that, so she doesn’t.

Usually, she would clasp her hands together or play with her fingers to release the awkward tension coiled in her body, but they all know her, don’t they? If they’ve been a constant presence in her life for five plus years, they definitely know her nervous tics. If she were to do any of that, go through any of her usual self-soothing behaviors, they’d know exactly what she’s feeling, and admitting that kind of weakness right now just isn’t something Lena thinks she’ll be able to do.

She settles for balling her hands up into tight fists at her side as inconspicuously as possible, but that doesn’t seem any less obvious, because Alex and Maggie both take one glance down at her tensed arms and simultaneously turn to each other to share a concerned look.

 _Shit_ , Lena thinks, clenching her jaw. _They know._

Kara takes the grit of Lena’s teeth as a cue to refocus the group’s attention and claps her hands together to gather their focus.

“Have I shown you guys all the cool snacks I got for tonight?” she asks, and all three of the other occupants in the room reply with some overdramatized version of, “No, what did you get, Kara?”

On one hand, Lena is incredibly thankful to Kara for recognizing that she needed a break, but on the other she knows that the hot burn in her cheeks can only be that of intense shame.

The way everyone immediately went along with Kara’s distraction can only mean that they must’ve known something like that would happen. They knew that Lena would get overwhelmed and need to be coddled so she doesn’t get upset. They were prepared for it – had expected it, even.

Does everyone think she’s soft in this time? Is this who she is now? Someone who allows others to see the inadequacies she’s been taught since childhood to stuff away? She doesn’t know what Lillian is up to now besides the fact that she’s in prison, but she knows her mother would never forgive her for allowing herself to appear so weak.

She focuses on the calming cadence of Kara’s voice while she introduces their many snacks for the night, and within twenty seconds she’s recovered her composure. Just as she’s about to breach her own question of how to rejoin the conversation, Kara stops speaking and perks her ears up, glancing over at the window.

“Oh!” she exclaims. “J’onn and M’gann are almost here. Can you guys go unlock the balcony doors for them?”

The others murmur out agreements at that and amble across the room to do so (even though Lena is sure that none of them can see any sign of the couple outside either) and as soon as they’ve turned their backs, Kara is at Lena’s side, looking at her with concern.

“Are you okay?” she asks, and her blue eyes are sad again, glassy with the threat of tears. “Is this too much for you? I can ask them to leave if you’d like, I can say I have an article due tomorrow morning and I need to be alone to finish it. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, Lena, I didn’t think this through and –”

Lena shakes her head to quiet Kara’s rambling, and the blonde ceases immediately, though she still stares down at her with worry.

“I’m alright Kara, I’m just…”

She closes her eyes and pauses for a moment. She had a denial on the tip of her tongue, was ready to say something along the lines of “I’m just tired” or “My blood sugar must be low,” but something in her stomach churns at the thought of pushing Kara away with a lie like that.

No, she should be honest, shouldn’t she? It’s what 2021 Lena seems to have been doing, anyway, and it looks like it’s working out for her.

So Lena decides to tell the truth.

“I’m a little overwhelmed by all this,” she admits eventually, and Kara hums sympathetically, like she’s not at all annoyed to be taking care of a grown woman who can’t even have a simple get-together with friends without freaking out.

“Yeah, this must be a lot. Do you want me to ask them to leave? I can say it’s my fault. They’ll never know you had anything to do with it.”

Lena shakes her head at that. Besides the fact that there’s no way any of them would believe it was Kara’s idea to send them away, she was having an okay time just a few minutes prior. It was almost… comforting? The way Winn spoke to her, the sparkle in his eyes as he joked between the two women in front of him, like he really enjoyed their company. _Lena’s_ company. Lena can’t remember the last time she had that and, well, so what if she doesn’t want to give it up so soon?

“No,” she reiterates. “I’m okay. I can do this.”

Kara nods, but her brows are furrowed together, forming a crinkle in between them that Lena wants nothing more than to smooth down with her fingers.

(This isn’t the first time she’s wanted to touch Kara – no, not even close – but at least this is explicable. For a reason. She’s excused in her yearning to reach out to Kara this time, to press herself against the woman who looks like an angel come to rescue her and smells like sunshine, because it would be for Kara’s benefit and not hers.)

“Can I help at all?” Kara asks, and Lena gulps.

 _Yes_ , she wants to say. _Yes, yes, please. Touch me, hold me, anchor me when I’m about to drift away._

She doesn’t say any of that, though – not when she’s loath to admit she even _thought_ it – just shakes her head and bites the inside of her cheek to keep a stoic expression.

Still, it’s like Kara knows exactly what she’s thinking, because she reaches out a warm hand again, and Lena feels her face heat up.

Is it that obvious how much she wants it? Has Lena always been such an open book? Maybe that’s why Lillian always knew exactly what to say to cut her deepest, why Lex found her such an easy target, why –

“You used to like this,” Kara says, and Lena is pulled away from her spiral. When she looks back up into warm blue eyes, Kara is smiling softly at her. “When you used to get nervous before, you liked it if I held your hand.”

Lena just nods silently, and Kara continues.

“Can I try again now?”

Lena looks down at Kara’s hand, warm and welcoming with wiggling fingers and an upturned palm, and she can do little else but reach for it herself and tangle their hands together.

Kara’s palm is a bit bigger, her grip wider, but Lena’s fingers are longer, and because of that their hands are pretty much the same size. Lena can’t help but marvel at how well they fit together; like two pieces of a puzzle, or a key in a lock.

The most surprising part, really, besides how easily their fingers interlock, is how _right_ it feels. She remembers touching hands on her first night in the apartment, remembers the tingling electricity she felt between them, but that pales in comparison to this – this sure grip Kara has on her. Kara’s hand in hers is warm and soft and gentle, and Lena’s skin tingles wherever they’re in contact, like energy is being transferred between their epithelial cells. Is this another Kryptonian superpower?

She doesn’t have time to question Kara about it, though, because just as she looks up at the beaming grin on Kara’s face, the balcony doors open and Winn, Alex, and Maggie laugh at the appearance of what must be J’onn and M’gann. Lena thought Kara was just making an excuse to get her alone earlier, but she must’ve actually heard them coming because here they both are, cradling pizza boxes in their arms.

M’gann offers her pizza to J’onn as soon as she’s settled in place, who takes it happily and walks it over to the counter, setting it down with an air of confidence that must mean he’s over here _often_.

Before Lena has a chance to panic over what to say, J’onn opens his mouth to introduce himself.

“Hello, Lena,” he says. “I’m J’onn.” He smiles warmly at her, but doesn’t step any closer, like he knows it might overwhelm her.

It suddenly dawns on Lena that Martians can _literally read minds,_ and she feels herself grow lightheaded at the notion that they must know exactly how freaked out she is. (Well, that along with every embarrassing thing she’ll no doubt think about Kara over the course of the night., but that might be even worse, so she chooses to ignore it.)

She tries to calm herself down by remembering how Kara had written in the packet that J’onn and M’gann purposely tune out people’s exact thoughts, but she still doesn’t feel much better about the fact that they can’t tune out emotions and therefore still know exactly how she’s feeling.

M’gann is close behind him, walking over by J’onn’s side and shooting Lena a similarly warm smile.

“I’m M’gann.”

She doesn’t move any closer either, and Lena finds herself wondering if they discussed how they were going to approach her beforehand. Then she remembers that Martians can speak telepathically, and she’s overcome with the need to badger them with questions as to how that works. However, that’s nowhere near what civilized people do, so she restrains herself and smiles cordially.

“Hello,” she replies as calmly as she can manage, and she feels herself breathe just a bit better after avoiding another faux pas like before. “Thank you for allowing us to borrow your ship today,” she tells J’onn, who smiles warmly at her. “We really appreciate it.”

J’onn just shakes his head, but his smile doesn’t dim, so Lena guesses that he’s used to her relentless formalities.

“There’s no need to thank me, Lena. You are and always have been welcome to any sort of assistance any of us can offer you.”

Lena doesn’t quite know what to say to that, but Kara does, because she squeezes her hand gently and smiles at the Martians.

“We know, J’onn. You know Lena, though, and she’s gonna send you a thank you note anyway.”

Both J’onn and M’gann laugh at this, and even Lena has to crack a grin. Apparently, some things never change.

In her distraction with greeting the couple, Lena fails to notice the others walking over to the front door until it’s been opened, and four more people saunter into the apartment.

 _Loudly_.

She can feel her heartrate spike as she watches the group laugh amongst each other, continuing their conversations casually, and she gulps down the anxiety climbing up her throat. Kara notices this immediately – because, of course she does – and runs a calming thumb along the length of her index finger, pulling her just a touch closer to herself. Kara is warm and comforting beside her, and Lena feels herself begin to breathe easier even as the group take notice to the people already inside the apartment.

There are two women and two men, both couples Lena thinks – if they are indeed Lucy & James with Nia & Brainy like she thinks they are. The shorter woman – Lucy, if she recalls correctly – hands her bag of takeout (possibly filled with burritos? Definitely some sort of Latin food) to her boyfriend, James, and greets Alex, Maggie, and Winn with a group hug as they begin to chatter. The other couple – Brainy and Nia – wander over to where Lena, Kara, J’onn, and M’gann are gathered and smile brightly at them.

“Hello everyone,” says the man, Brainy, and Lena wants to focus on him and his girlfriend so she can get through the second to last group of introductions, but everything is really fucking _loud_ and she feels a little like she might pass out.

Kara falters at this – obviously bothered by Lena’s distress – and wraps her unoccupied arm around Lena’s waist to pull her even closer, squeezing her hand again. It helps a little, but not quite as much as M’gann turning on her heel and shouting at the other group.

“Shut up!”

There’s silence for a moment, everyone staring at M’gann with wide eyes, until Lucy raises her eyebrows in a bewildered, ‘what the fuck’ sort of gesture. The Martian doesn’t dignify this with a response, just stares back at her intensely until she seems to get the hint and raises a hand in apology.

“My bad,” Lucy says casually, lowering her voice and returning to her conversation. Lena half expects M’gann to go over there and talk to her, but she seems to be satisfied with this, because she turns back towards Lena and Kara with a soft smile.

Brainy, to his credit, doesn’t miss a beat and allow Lena to wallow in the embarrassment that comes with acknowledging how everyone knows the scolding was for her benefit, because after that whole fiasco he simply turns to Lena again and greets her specifically.

“Hello Lena, I’m Brainy. You might not recognize me, but I hope you can believe me when I tell you that we’re quite good friends in this time. We’ve worked on countless projects together, and you are actually the inventor of the image inducer I’m using right now. I know you don’t remember inventing it, but it’s arguably the most impressive technological advancement of the past ten years.”

His tone is stiff and his words a bit too formal, but Lena can tell he really means them, and somehow that makes it a bit easier to breathe. She smiles back at him.

“Thank you,” she replies, and to her surprise, she isn’t anything but sincere. She knows Brainy is a twelfth level intellect – whatever that means – and that if he’s complimenting her skills, it must really mean something. “I’m really interested in looking through the notes I made while creating it, because I have no idea how I did it.”

“Through being a genius, of course!” Brainy assures her, and Lena blushes a bit. “The technology you harnessed was unbelievably impressive for someone of this century, let alone the decade. What with the intricacies that come with disrupting the wavelengths that allow someone to appear a certain way, along with the algorithms involved in analyzing facial structure to perfectly mask each feature with the desired –”

“Brainy,” the woman – Nia – interrupts softly, and Brainy immediately ceases his explanation, looking over at his girlfriend attentively.

“Yes?”

“I know you and Lena know what you’re talking about, but the rest of us don’t.”

“Oh,” he says softly. He pauses briefly before asking, “Would you like us to explain it to you?” and Kara freezes.

“No!” she blurts out, shaking her head vigorously. “No thank you!”

The rest of the group turn to stare at her questioningly, and she blushes a bit under their attention but holds her stance.

“Sorry,” she says, “it’s just that Lena tried to explain it to me so many times before, and I still don’t understand anything about it. I don’t really understand Earth technology.”

“Well, that makes two of us,” Nia jokes, pausing for a moment to allow for a few light laughs, before turning back to Lena and smiling softly. “Hi, Lena. I’m Nia.”

Lena knew this, of course, but something about the woman puts her at ease. She’s a bit younger than the rest of them – early to mid-twenties instead of late twenties to thirties like the others – and at first Lena is overjoyed to have someone her age around until she remembers that _she’s_ not even her age anymore. She’s closer in age to Kara, now, not Nia. In fact, it’s nearly her birthday, and she’ll be 28. All over again, she’s struck by the fact that six years of her life have been stolen from her, and there’s no telling when (or even _if_ ) she’ll get them back.

Still, this doesn’t change the fact that she has to be present at the moment, and her Luthor upbringing has trained her to place public appearance over little else, allowing her to calmly greet Nia with a smile and nod of her head. She isn’t sure she’s fooled Kara – not with the way she squeezes her fingers gently in reassurance – and she knows she couldn’t have fooled either of the Martians, but Nia and Brainy seem none the wiser to her little freak-out, and that’s all she can really ask for.

Before the conversation has a chance to grow stale, the loud woman from before, Lucy, groans from across the room and exclaims loudly enough for them all to hear, “I’m fucking starving! Are we ever gonna eat?”

Maggie takes this as her cue to lead the group into their next activity and laughs, escorting the other group over to the kitchen island where the food is.

“Alright everyone,” she says jokingly, “we knew this was gonna happen, but I’m gonna need everyone to remain civil as we all fight for our portions. Everyone remember the rules?”

Brainy pipes up at this. “Only one plate of food at a time, no more than two items from each container on a plate at one time, no seconds until everyone has taken at least five bites from their first plate, and no unfair advantages are to be used in the procurement of more rations.”

Lena is sure she must look a bit confused at that last part, because Lucy smiles kindly at her and explains.

“’Unfair advantages’ were mostly just for the aliens – no superspeed or teleportation and the like to get first dibs before other people.”

“Were?” Lena questions, and Lucy smirks like she’d been hoping she would ask that.

“Well, yeah. Up until you came along.”

Lena feels herself blanch at that.

Until she came along? Her, specifically? Had she done something horrible? Unforgivable? What could she have done that was so awful as to influence the rules like that?

The others must notice her discomfort because the tall man from before – James – scolds Lucy with a gentle shove and clarifies.

“Not like that, Lena, don’t worry. She just meant that… well…” He trails off then, rubbing at the back of his neck, and Lena feels even more unsettled now.

What had she done? Surely they couldn’t count it against her if she can’t remember doing it, but what does she know of this group of people? Maybe they hate her already. Maybe –

Maggie ends her internal torment with a huff. “Jeez, Olsen, you made it sound even worse. All we did was add a definition to ‘unfair advantages’ so that it can also mean no flirting your way into getting people to get food for you.”

There’s a moment of silence before Lena speaks again.

“What?”

“Come on, Luthor” Maggie justifies, a teasing smile still playing on her features, “we had to have some sort of defense! All of our rules are carefully crafted with ample reasoning behind them. There’s the ‘no seconds till people have started their firsts’ rule because people in the front of the line would get through their whole plate before others had even sat down. The ‘no more than two-of-a-kind’ rule because people – mostly Kara, come to think of it – would dump a whole box of cookies onto their plate before anyone else even had a chance to grab them. The no powers rule because people – again, Kara – would superspeed through the selection to get the best pick of everything. You get the drift?”

Lena nods.

“Well, now there’s the no flirting rule because people – _you_ – would bat your eyelashes at Kara and get her to give you anything you wanted. Then Nia and Lucy learned from your tricks to take advantage of their respective partners and it wasn’t a fair free-for-all anymore.”

Lucy shrugs, unrepentant. “All’s fair in love and war. Not my fault Alex won’t budge for your wiles.”

“ _Please_ ,” Maggie retorts, rolling her eyes. “I uphold the law. If anything, _I’m_ the one who won’t fall for _Alex’s_ wiles.”

“You sure fell for them last night,” Alex teases, and Kara groans.

“Okay!” she all but shouts. “Enough! I am not going to hear about my sister’s sex life without at least some food in my stomach, and even that’s under duress.”

“So you’ll let us talk about it once you’ve had some potstickers?” Maggie goads, and Kara narrows her eyes.

“Don’t push it, Sawyer.”

Her tone is harsh, but Lena can tell from the hint of a smile on her lips and the soft grip Kara still has on her fingers that it’s all a show. Still, Maggie lets it drop, taking Alex’s hand and grabbing a plate from the kitchen island to start loading up on takeout. Everyone ambles around to the island, then, chattering amongst themselves, and Kara turns back to Lena.

“How are you doing?” she asks, and her blue eyes are soft and searching when Lena looks up at her.

“I’m fine,” she replies, and even though it’s not completely the truth, it’s less of a lie than she’d thought it would be. This evening has gone surprisingly okay, at least so far, and she’s hopeful it will continue to be that way. Kara seems to understand this, squeezing her fingers gently and changing the subject.

“Okay. Do you want to go get some food? If we don’t hurry, there won’t be anything left for us.”

“What happened to the rules?” Lena asks, smirking, and Kara laughs.

“You can’t trust these monsters to uphold protocol, Lena. It’s a fight to death.”

“Well, it’s a good thing we have so much food, I guess.”

Kara just grins. “You say that now…”

~

Kara is right. The Superfriends are what one might call ‘barbaric’ while loading up on dinner. Everyone except J’onn, M’gann, and Brainy resort to using at least a little physical force to get their portions, but in spite of that, it’s surprisingly cheerful. People fight over containers of takeout and first dibs on snacks, but no one stops smiling to do it.

After a few playfully chaotic minutes, everyone is settled in the living room with their plates. Maggie, Alex, Nia, and Brainy are sitting on the yellow couch, with Lucy, M’gann, and J’onn occupying the other – James plopped between Lucy’s legs on the rug and Winn between Brainy’s so that the two best friends’ feet are nearly touching.

Strangely enough (though Lena wouldn’t call it strange so much as premeditated) the love seat just to the right of Maggie’s spot on the yellow couch is conveniently empty and holds the only two unoccupied seating options left. Lena doesn’t look over at Kara’s reaction, but she can almost feel the way she freezes up beside her when she finally looks up from her precariously balanced plate to scope out where to sit.

If any of the rest of them notice Kara’s discomfort, they don’t let it show, because they continue their conversations and allow Kara to hover around the loveseat and look over at Lena with searching eyes, silently asking if this is alright. Lena doesn’t answer aloud, just settles down on one side and stares at her plate until she feels Kara’s weight compress the cushion beside her.

The two of them are quiet for a few long minutes – Kara probably carefully monitoring Lena’s body language and heartrate for trouble and Lena just trying to concentrate on not spilling anything and making a fool of herself – that by the time Lena refocuses on the conversation around them, the conversation has taken an entirely new turn.

“No, for real, guys,” Winn says, nearly bouncing up and down on the rug in his excitement, “I have a ton more where that one came from.”

Thankfully, Lena doesn’t have to wonder too long about what he’s talking about, because Lucy chimes in.

“Oh, where’d you get them, ‘boring science jokes dot org?’” she teases, and Lena guesses that she’s referencing the while loop joke that Winn sent Kara earlier.

“Ha-ha, very funny, Lucy. If you’d bothered to do any research at all, you’d know that domain doesn’t even exist.”

“It’s like he’s _trying_ to take the fun out of it,” Lucy mutters to James, who reaches up from his spot on the floor to pat her thigh sympathetically.

“But no,” Winn continues, “one of my programming buddies sent me pages upon pages of CS jokes he had saved on his computer when I told him I needed ways to cheer up a friend. I sent them to the group chat and everything! Don’t you guys remember?”

“Come on, you know I don’t open any of the links you send there,” Lucy argues, and Winn sighs.

“Okay, I guess that’s to be expected. Alex?”

Everyone looks to Alex then, who’s preoccupied with shoveling a fist-sized lump of Lo Mein into her mouth and only looks up after a few seconds of silence.

“Wha?”

The group laughs at this, and Maggie rolls her eyes playfully before looping an arm over her wife’s shoulder and whispering what Lena thinks is a brief play-by-play of the conversation into her ear.

“Oh – yeah, I think I opened that one.”

Winn narrows his eyes skeptically. “I guess that means you can tell me one of the jokes from it?”

“Shit, dude, I said I opened it, not memorized it.”

Winn pouts at that, but Maggie placates him. “She’ll open it up right now and read one to us, how about that? Then we can all hear the joke – even those of us who ignore others in the group chat.”

The dig is playfully directed at Lucy, but the woman on the next couch doesn’t even flinch, just kind of shrugs as if to say, _Yeah, that seems fair_. It takes a moment for Alex to pull out her phone and navigate into the link Winn must’ve sent, but soon she’s clearing her throat and reading out the first line.

“Okay, this one says, ‘there are ten types of people in the world: those who know binary, and those who don’t.’”

She doesn’t even have time to react to the joke before Winn is groaning.

“No, Alex, you read it wrong! It’s one-oh, not ten. There are 1 0 types of people in this world.”

Lena chuckles then, getting the joke now that it’s been read out correctly, and Winn puffs out his chest a little, seemingly proud of himself for making her laugh again.

Alex, however, frowns – clearly not amused.

“That’s exactly what I said.”

“No, you said ‘ten.’ It’s one-oh. One-zero. Not _ten_.”

“Did we change our number system or something? Is the numerical representation of ten no longer a one followed by a zero? Am I losing my mind?”

Before Winn has a chance to respond, Maggie lays a gentle hand on her wife’s shoulder and chimes in. “Babe, it’s binary; you don’t pronounce it like ‘ten.’ ‘One-zero’ is how you write the number two, so he’s saying you’re one of two types of people: either you get binary, or you don’t. I think we all know which one you are.”

Nia laughs at the joke then, too, and Brainy smiles dopily over at her. Lena is pretty sure he got the joke much earlier, considering how Kara told her that Brainy and Winn worked on the DEO firewall together and therefore must know binary code, but it’s sort of cute the way he doesn’t seem to find it amusing until he sees his girlfriend smiling.

For a fraction of a second, Lena feels a pang of jealousy that they seem to have what she’s always wanted, but then she remembers that she has it too, apparently. If the teasing is anything close to accurate, before the accident, she and Kara were just like that.

Lena is torn away from her thoughts by Alex’s mumbled protests as Kara laughs animatedly beside her, sending vibrations through the cushions of the loveseat they’re sat on.

“Come on,” Kara teases, “aren’t you a scientist? How do you not know that?”

Alex just huffs out an annoyed breath. “I’m a molecular biologist, Kara, not a computer programmer. Why would I know binary? There’s more than one type of science in the world – and if anything, how do _you_ not know it, Ms. ‘I was almost the youngest member of the science guild’?”

Kara rolls her eyes. “Binary is an Earth language. Numbers on Krypton looked nothing like that, and even if they did, you already know full well that I don’t know how to work your primitive Earth computers.”

There’s a collective outcry from the rest of the occupants in the room and Lena jolts in shock at the noise as Maggie and Nia pick up their drinks and clink them together enthusiastically.

“Strike one!” Lucy calls out from across the room, bringing her beer up to her lips and taking a large swig. She seems to notice Lena’s confusion quickly, because one glance over at her, and she’s speaking again.

“It’s a drinking game,” she explains. “We all take a shot whenever one of the aliens disses Earth.”

“Hey, it wasn’t a diss!” Kara counters. “J’onn, come on, tell them it wasn’t a diss.”

J’onn shrugs. “You definitely just insulted Earth and its technology.”

Kara sighs and looks to M’gann for her opinion, but she just throws up her hands in defeat.

“Sorry, Kara, I have to agree with him here.”

“Brainy?” Kara tries, clearly as a last-ditch effort.

“Well, you were objectively speaking the truth –”

“Ha!”

“– but it was also a clear insult aimed at your sister and her planet.”

Kara frowns, sinking down into her seat and mumbling, “You guys were supposed to be on my side.”

The rest of the Superfriends laugh at her dramatics, which only causes her frown to grow into what Lena thinks is probably a lethal pout. Lena isn’t sure exactly what comes over her, just that she’d do anything to get Kara to smile again, which is how she suddenly finds herself reaching her hand out to grip Kara’s.

Kara’s scowl disappears the exact instant their fingers lace together, and Lena might’ve been embarrassed by the faint blush that overtakes her cheeks at the blonde’s reaction except for the fact that no one else seems to bat an eye at it. Like it’s completely normal for Lena to be able to soothe Kara’s distress with a simple touch, and that the matching pink flushes on their cheeks as their skin touches is nothing out of the ordinary.

 _Damn_ , she thinks. _Maybe we really were as bad as Brainy and Nia_.

She doesn’t dwell on it for too long, though, because then Alex is hastily setting down her drink and calling attention to herself.

“Okay, okay, I got one – and it’s _much_ better than Schott’s.” She glares pointedly at Winn, but it looks weak (even to Lena, who knows next to nothing about her) and Winn just smiles at her, clearly not intimidated in the slightest. “Where do prokaryotes go to buy furniture?”

The room is unusually silent for a moment, and though Alex clearly meant for someone to shout out an answer, she gives in and replies to herself.

“Archaea!”

Winn yawns pointedly.

“Okay, okay, fine. I can tell better ones… Oh! I got it. What do you call an unfriendly acid?”

Lucy slaps her thigh at that, responding Jeopardy-style. “Alex,” she says, “what is ‘the reason I don’t do LSD anymore’?”

There’s a low groan from the yellow couch then, and Maggie laughs. “You’ve been waiting to do that one a while, haven’t you, Lane?”

“Oh, yeah. Since this conversation started.”

Alex just rolls her eyes. “Sorry, but the correct answer is ‘ _a-mean-o acid_.’”

She only lasts three seconds before she bursts into laughter at her own joke, and most of the other Superfriends scoff, groan, or roll their eyes.

“Terrible,” says Winn, and James hums in agreement.

“Come on, that was funny! I bet you guys can’t come up with anything better.”

They do (and they don’t, depending on who you ask) but the rest of the meal goes similarly.

Nia tells a joke about Geology (“One tectonic plate bumps into the other. ‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘My fault.’”) and Brainy laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard, much to the displeasure of Alex, who still holds onto the claim that she had the best joke.

“Okay, okay,” the agent tries again, “get this one. What do you call a number that can’t sit still?” There’s a long pause where no one says anything before Alex answers her own question. “A roamin’ numeral!”

Still, no one laughs, and she settles down into her seat to let Maggie stroke her hair, muttering something about humor and how the Superfriends don’t appreciate it.

Lucy goes next, telling a joke that makes J’onn choke on his food.

(“The term ‘Freudian slip’ sounds complicated, but it’s not. It’s basically just when you mean to say one thing, but you say your mother.”

“Lucy, you motherfucking –”

“Ay, nice one! Sawyer knows what I’m talking about.”)

Winn tells a math pun that James doesn’t get (“The function e to the x is at a bar, and the bartender sees him looking absolutely miserable, so she goes up to him and asks, ‘Come on, e to the x, why don’t you go integrate?’ He just shrugs and says, ‘It wouldn’t make any difference.’”) but James brings it back around to more common knowledge for the group.

“What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?” he asks, and Kara stifles down a laugh at just the question, either having already figured out the answer or recognizing it from their many days at Catco together.

“I don’t know,” M’gann answers politely, and James smiles thankfully at her. “What’s the difference?”

“It’s pretty simple, actually. See, one has claws at the end its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.”

James’ grin only widens when Kara bursts out into laughter at that, and the rest of the group is soon to follow, overcome by the Kryptonian’s contagious cheer. Even Lena can’t help the chuckle that escapes her lips, which only makes Kara laugh harder, eyes squinting up so much because of her smile that Lena wonders if she can even see.

Lena feels… good, she thinks. She’s oddly comfortable, strangely at-ease in this environment with nine total strangers and a woman she’d only really met a week ago. It isn’t until she watches J’onn get up to refill his plate for the third time that she realizes that Kara hasn’t moved once since they sat down together on the loveseat, despite the fact that everything that she’s learned about the blonde would make Lena think she’d be on at least her fifth plate by now. That plus the spotless plate on the Kryptonian’s lap makes Lena think that Kara’s been depriving herself of seconds just to keep close to her and make sure she’s comfortable.

That spoils her mood fairly quickly.

So quickly, in fact, that she sees M’gann stiffen across the room at the exact same time that she does, her expression looking every bit as worried as Lena feels. She tries to stuff the fear into one of her boxes in her head – take the edge off for J’onn and M’gann who have no choice but to live through the chaotic emotions she must be broadcasting right now – but that only seems to make it worse, because M’gann furrows her eyebrows harshly and even Kara takes notice.

“Lena,” she asks, leaning into her space so she can speak quietly enough that the rest of the group doesn’t notice, “are you alright?”

Lena doesn’t know exactly how to reply – “Mostly,” she could say, or maybe “Only if you are,” – so she settles on nodding tightly and shooting Kara a small smile, but that doesn’t seem to help at all because Kara just frowns.

“What’s wrong?” she asks again.

Lena knows she isn’t going to get away with not answering this time, so she does the only thing she can think of and solves the problem.

“Will you come get more food with me?”

She tries to mask any sort of negative emotion on her face as Kara examines her expression, and Kara must be really hungry, because she only does it for two or three seconds before nodding and offering Lena her hand for balance when she stands up.

Lena takes it, grateful to have some sort of excuse for physical contact again, and Kara doesn’t let go of it, even after she’s firmly on her feet Instead, she leads her gently over to the kitchen island and only when they’re far enough away from prying ears to avoid detection does she question Lena again.

“Is something wrong?”

“No,” Lena lies. “Just hungry. Aren’t you?”

Kara narrows her eyes at the answer – clearly suspicious – but it only takes about three seconds for her stomach to interrupt them and growl angrily, and that shifts the focus of the conversation away from Lena.

“Knew it,” Lena says. “Get food with me? Please?”

Kara doesn’t really have any sort of rebuttal to that – clearly starving – and Lena is thankful that she doesn’t push it further, although she does keep a close eye on Lena as they pile food onto their plates.

Lena isn’t _actually_ hungry, of course – honestly, she still feels a bit sick – but Kara is, so she eyes the blonde’s plate carefully and manages to duplicate the portions on Kara’s plate onto her own so that she’ll be able to eat from Lena’s afterwards. If Kara catches on, she doesn’t say anything, just follows Lena back to the couch once they’re loaded up on snacks and digs in, still keeping one eye on Lena at all times.

Kara must’ve been really hungry before, because her plate is picked clean within a matter of three minutes, and Lena is relieved that she can stop pretending to pick at her food and offer it to Kara. Kara blushes at the action – probably having figured out Lena’s motive to getting up earlier – but thanks her and takes it anyway, scarfing it down just as quickly. When she finishes with that plate, too, Lena takes the same approach as before and pretends she’s the one who wants more food.

“Come with me again?” she asks quietly, and Kara just nods this time, content to follow her lead as they repeat the process.

After two more trips to the kitchen island together, Kara seems satisfied, and not a moment too soon, because the group is beginning to get restless. James and Winn are currently playing Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide whether to play Charades or Mario Kart first, and finally – after 25 rounds – Winn gets his way.

“Mario Kart it is!” he yells out to the group, and Lena gulps. She has no idea how to play Mario Kart, and though she isn’t quite familiar with Charades either, at least she knows what it _is._

Kara must either sense her distress or remember having to teach Lena how to play the first time they’d had a game night, because she leans over and explains.

“It’s a video game. You race around a cartoon-y track in cars and stuff, and you use powers to put obstacles in other people’s way or slow them down to keep them from winning.”

Lena hums. “Sounds aggressive.”

“They _are_ aggressive!”

“They?” Lena questions, raising an eyebrow at Kara. “Are you saying you’re _not_ aggressive in this game?”

“Of course not!” Kara protests, putting her hand up to her heart as if she’s offended Lena would even imply otherwise. “I’m a perfect angel.”

Maggie – who Lena wasn’t even aware was listening – laughs at that, and Lena turns to look at her, startled.

“Maggie…” Kara warns, but she detective doesn’t seem to heed the warning, because she just laughs harder, speaking only when she finally catches her breath.

“Kara is the _most_ aggressive at Mario Kart, Lena, you wouldn’t believe it. You don’t even want to know how many controllers she broke while playing before you modified one for her and reinforced it with Aldebaran steel.”

Lena can’t help but grin – both at Maggie’s words and the pretty pink flush on Kara’s cheeks as she hears them. “You broke controllers?” she asks, and Kara nods reluctantly.

“It’s not my fault the plastic is so thin! It’s really hard not to crush them when you’re focusing on trying to win the game.”

Maggie cracks up again at that, and Kara ducks her head in embarrassment. Lena doesn’t think it’s anything short of adorable, though, and slips her hand into Kara’s so she knows just that.

If the blonde’s answering smile is any indication, Lena’s pretty sure Kara got the message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remind me not to make a chapter with 11 characters interacting again bc im not sure this one turned out well :/ at least it's finished tho! im working on chapter 9 rn so hopefully i wont take TOO long to update this time!!!
> 
> Bonus Nerdy Joke: A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. ‘No,’ he says. ‘I’m traveling light.'


End file.
